August 6th, 2011
Congress approval rating bottoms out
Leaders in the Bizarreville Congress got very perturbed this week when they learned that Congress’ approval rating reached a new low. But they were even more concerned with the numbers: a zero percent approval rating for the first time in history. Naturally, they responded that there must be an error in the polling procedure…that there is no way that a zero was feasible, at least one person should have said they liked and approved of Congress.
“We’re confident in our reported numbers,” Ogden Murkrud of the Murkrud Poll responded. “In fact, we expanded the number of people surveyed from our usual sample of 2 thousand surveyees to 237 thousand people. But we were unable to find one single person who thought Congress was worth a crap. One fellow, when asked whether he felt Congress was doing ‘adequate’, initially responded ‘Yes’. However, turns out the respondent thought he had been asked if Congress ‘out to quit’. He apologized, and said he needed to change the batteries in his hearing aid.”
Surveyed citizens seemed most upset about the so-called “Nothing from nothing equals nothing” debt/spending deal reached last week, which helped trigger a mega-drop in the stock market. A group of 3rd graders from Stankville Elementary were asked if they could help the President and Congress figure out how to solve the nation’s increasing money problem. “Stop spending so much,” one student replied. “When my pet turtle Freddie started bloating up like an overblown balloon, I thought he was gonna die, with turtle guts spewed all over my bedroom. I was really scared cuz I really like Freddie, even though he kinda stinks. But so, I decided to stop feeding him so much turtle food every day, and now he’s back to normal. My mom just said to keep him on a diet…whatever that is. Anyway, he’s unbloated now. And now he doesn’t even stink so bad.”
Congress is now in recess, and going back to their homes to figure out how to re-boost their approval ratings. One congressman said he’s going to schedule some free bingo tournaments with his constituents. He said he accumulated some great giveaways, procured with some extra earmark funds he had stashed away. “Freebies always put people in better moods,” he said. “I think I’ll be back up in the 10 to 12% approval rating by September.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you knew that, didn’t you?
