bizarreville

Recently, the President was rumored to have said, in an off-the-record moment, a paraphrase of Kennedy’s famous inaugural speech line:  “Ask not what your country can do.  Ask what’s taking so long to get your friggin’ handouts this month.”  There was allegedly some polite laughter at this line, but most knew there was a ring of truth in the paraphrase.  In today’s day and age, it simply should not take so darn long, or be so difficult to get your entitlements….entitlements that you have earned by dedicated couchmanship.  Obamanomics is committed to getting your welfare checks, food stamps, government-sponsored boondoggles, earmarks, free school lunch tickets, kickbacks, and other sleazy handouts to each and every designated recipient quicker and more efficiently.  Here are some of the details of the new initiatives:

– Direct deposit of entitlement checks so no more messy lines and/or embarrassing questions about whether you are really trying to find a job, or have any intentions of taking any kind of initiative to get off the dole in this lifetime or any other lifetime.  It avoids the unhealthy confrontations that can often drive the lifelong goldbrick into deeper destitution.

– Automated grocery delivery services to your door so you don’t have to wait in endless checkout lines and endure the sneers of cash-paying customers who seem abhorred by your buying $100 worth of cupcakes, mountain dew, twinkies, and nacho chips with the food stamps.  One new service named “Snax for Lax” will focus on speedy delivery of all flavors of fresh potato chips to the entitlee, promising to minimize the percentage of “chip dust” frequently caused from chip bag mishandling.

– “Earmark Express” program that gets those earmark dollars into the hands of shovel-ready project contractors twice as fast as before, with less paperwork and the annoying scrutiny over how the money is spent.  The program will also eliminate the bothersome competitive bidding process, which has proven to slow down the whole process of getting those shovel-ready jobs executed.

– Frequent Sponger Program.  This will give extra reward points such as flatscreen TV’s, ipads, frozen turkeys, and round trips to casino boats for people who siphon-off extra monies from taxpayers above/beyond normal thresholds.  Frequent Sponger Rewards cards are free, and can be obtained at most unemployment offices, post offices, and soup kitchens.

These are just some of the dimensions of the new Entitlement Supply Chain improvement plan.  Obamanomics fully accepts the premise that some people, in fact many people, are just not meant to be workers.  It’s not their fault…they were born with genetic lazy streaks, chronic space-outedness, learning dis-interests, tired blood, and/or attention deficits that have made them quite worthless to employers.  They can actually pose a danger to coworkers due to their inherent bumbling carelessness and their propensity toward running into walls.  Research studies have concluded time and time again that these people are best suited to be perched on couches or worn-out Lazy Boy recliners for the good of society, and kept away from any sort of high-productivity work environment.  Obamanomics realizes that society cannot disparage these poor, unfortunate potatoes, as they are often called, but instead must find ways to make them feel good about themselves, feel safe, feel comfortable, so that they don’t slip into lives of desperation and crime.  Many programs are established to do just that, such as the new “Lazy History Month”, celebrating 78 of history’s most famous slouches, including the creator of the increasingly popular Slouch Pride Parade, which is held annually on Un-Labor Day.  The streamlining of entitlement payouts is just another pride builder.

The bottom line is a renewed, well-oiled machine for fast/efficient delivery of the entitlement packages will boost the entire society.  And when fully implemented, the program is certain to be the envy of any welfare state worldwide.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even though you would swear they are real.