December 7th, 2009
Early bail-out payback plan forces bank employees to actually have to work
Executives with Bank of Bizarreville (BoB) announced Friday that they will be paying off their $40 billion government Bail-out loan early, probably within the next 2 months. This news shocked the Bizarreville financial community so much that many accountants had to remove their green eyeshades to wipe their brow. 
BoB is hitting this hard, not messing around. Some of BoB bank managers, in fact, had to work past their normal 3pm quitting time, in some cases cancelling tee-off times, and in one highly unusual case, showing up late for the family dinner. “We’re in extreme times and that calls for extreme actions,” stated one Bank VP. “Our entire team is pulling together, shortening lunch breaks to 1 hour, cutting morning and afternoon coffee breaks down to 15 minutes, and putting a time clock at the restroom doors.” The VP had a tear in his eye as he spoke of the pride he had in his guys, and said he would probably double the bonuses that the managers received last year to show the company’s appreciation.
The Bank is not out of the woods yet. They will issue a new stock offering to allow the debt repayment within the next 5 weeks. Current shareholders are up in arms, since this action would cause major dilution and likely drop the share price 50 percent. “What are they bellyaching about,” asked a Bank VP. “The stock was selling 80% lower than current price six months ago. They’ll still be up over 30 percentage points. C’mon now. I guess they’re just a bunch of greedy bastards.”
