October 25th, 2009
First confirmed case of hairy reed sends panic in Bizarreville
Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville. “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”
Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body. Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears. In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice. Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products. This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.
Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage. The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain. The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need. The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment. He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel. Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says. He may begin advocating destructive behavior. It is very, very sad.
Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage. There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.
The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible. For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures. Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.
