bizarreville

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs.  It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax.  If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements.  If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons.  It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out.  Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options:  the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month.  Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In.  But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points.  But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday.  This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed.  Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway?  What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something?  We need to expunge that day for sure.”  Others chimed in,  “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest?  Who harvests anymore?  We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket.  I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves.  Yeah, that’s been good.”  Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants.  Stay tuned.