bizarreville

Retailers across Bizarreville were high-fiving each other after what they viewed as a successful Black Friday shop-athon.  More shoppers than expected had flocked to the malls, creating that rich tradition of constipated parking lots, bumper-car shopping & shoving excursions, and of course the endless lines.  Many retailers adopted the new Black Friday tradition of minimizing sales staffing on that Friday so that checkout lines were especially long, creating the impression of huge crowds inside their store to any passers-by.  It all seemed to work, as crowds were near record-level.  Missing from their wild exuberence was one minor detail:  no one was spending much money.

Particularly hit by the shop/no-buy paradox was Eldberd’s House of Flatscreens.  Old Eldy has been in the TV business for 50 years, expanding bit by bit.  But recently he decided to go “All In” in the growing Flatscreen market and built a showroom the size of a football field – boasting 1000 Flatscreens of every permutation of size, pixel, Hertzage, techno-nonsense, and plasmology.  Even found some metric screen sizes for European wannabe’s.

Eldy opened his doors at 3am, with typical ads for 30% off one obscure model:  a 3700 millimeter, paisley-colored, 82 Hertz Bullshmitz LCD television, but only carried 2 total units in stock.  Naturally those were snarfed up quickly.  Many other disgruntled customers were surprised to find all his other models were at full or nearly full price…causing considerable grumbling and grouching as they were still wiping sleep from their eyes and wondering why in the  f*@!  did they set the alarm and wake up for “this”?  Nevertheless, they roamed the great Hall of Same to marvel at the units upon units, with few actually plunking down ten C-notes to garner one of these trinkets.  One woman approached a beleaguered sales associate with the question, “Which one would you recommend?”  The sales person was restrained from throttling her by several onlooking customers.

Someone forgot to tell Eldberd that this ain’t your father’s TV business anymore.  Eldy still remembers the day when the only new feature on the next year’s model TV was a slightly different color on the vinyl fake-woodgrain overlay.  They forgot to tell Eldy that his vast array of Flatscreen inventory would all be obsolete in less than 9 months…replaced with all-new models with obsolesence-creating zinkrofaddles and dorkuloids.  Poor Eldy doesn’t even know what a fankerfloyd does…tsk, tsk.

The saga continues as the weary, bleary-eyed CPA’s try desperately to woo a new Lobby firm to take on their cause.  Click on “Simpli-Tax the series” to find out more —->

Don Smerfnerd of Smerfnerd Investments is urging all customers to load up on gold, and do it now.  He says he is personally jumping on the bandwagon, joining the new cast of Gold Fever who have been coming out of the woodwork, citing the recently released Shlunkmann Economic Study that, he says, predicts gold could go as high as $2000 per ounce.

But the truth is, the Shlunkmann study, if anyone took the time to read it, never predicted gold would go to 2000.  The study itself was about self-fulfilling prophesies, the Pygmalion effect.  But it used the example if enough nutcases started predicting that gold would double in price, and ginned-up enough fear in the marketplace, it could all set in motion events that would actually cause the price of gold to double.  So, then what’s the deal with Smerfnerd?  Many of his colleagues have been wondering the same thing…why is Smerfnerd, a conservative investor, doing this?  He has never been one to buy at the high end of the market and get shmucked.

Turns out, our intrepid investigative reporter discovered that Smerf and a couple of his ex-Amway buddies devised a Buy Gold pyramid scheme.  It goes like this:  You buy some gold, then go pitch/grab some buddies to buy gold, who go hawk even more people to buy it, who then shake down some of their friends/family…and so on.  Feed the fear factor of world economic collapse, and roll out some drivel likening our situation to the fall of the Roman Empire.  Get someone to do a story of a family storing canned goods in their 60’s -era fallout shelter.  Toss in a Nostradamus prediction or two.  Develop a network of gold sellers, and grab a little commission on every layer in the sales pyramid.  Pocket some serious dough.

At some point, like all good pyramid schemes, it will all come crashing down.  Smerf will eventually run out of nimrods to suck into his web, and some people will start doing a little bit of gold dumping….then the gold price will plummet.  But by then, Smerf will likely have bailed on all his stash, pocketed a tidy profit, raked in enough commissions, and will be laughing all the way to the Caymans.  Smerfnerd could not be reached for comment.

Most citizens in Bizarreville are expressing joy and giving thanks on this Thanksgiving Day today.  They reflect on the year of triumphs and challenges, give thanks that they somehow made it through it all, then start carving into a plump turkey at the dining table.  It would seem to be one day in the year free of whining and belly-aching.

But no.  The Vegetarian Society of Bizarreville cannot resist the opportunity to have a march.  This day, in particular, irks the hell out of them because of the shear volume of meat product and by-product that is wolfed down across the land.  They rail about the enormous turkey farms in Midwest Bizarreville that create so much uncontrolled putrid odor that poisons the atmosphere with turknyacin (a word, we believe, they made up).  “The turknyacin emissions are also being inhaled by birds, which has proven to cause a chemical reaction in their digestive tract.  This produces an epoxy-like substance that, when their feces drops, becomes almost impossible to scrape off windshields.  We have a bonefide 2009 Birdologist University study and our own windshields and bent scrapers to prove it.”

The Veg Society will have a communal dinner tonight at Gluffner’s Greenhouse Emporium.  In the center of the table will be giant roasted broccoli sprigs, which will be meticulously carved by the Veg president.  Members will feast on steamed yams, rutabagas, collards, lima beans, zuccini which was all donated by Hank’s Market.  Hank said he was getting ready to throw it all out into the dumpster anyway, so was happy to divert it their way.

Many in the community are not happy with the “Veg-balls”, as they call them.  They would prefer the members just eat their beans and shut up…”and have your university scholars study your emissions from all that bean processing, while you’re at it.”  The Veg Society responds, “They’re just angry because they are forced every year to have to watch the Detroit Lions on TV.  Yeah…that’s enough to bring out disgruntlement in anyone…even us.”

The Bizarreville Labor Dept is proud to announce that another 50 thousand job losses were avoided last month.  This marks the 6th consecutive month of job loss avoidances, which Dept officials cite as evidence of a significant rebound in the economy.

As you know, Job loss avoidances are determined by telephoning a sample of businesses and asking them “If things don’t get better fast, will you have to shut down?”  Then asking them, “Do you know that Congress recently passed a Stimulus bill?”  If the answers are YES to both questions, that is considered an official Job Loss Avoidance.  Numbers are then tallied, and statistical extrapolations are used to determine the nationwide estimate.

Unfortunately, slightly dampening that good news was the report that there were 30 thousand Job Gain Avoidances during the month.  Several large expansions by Bizarreville companies were abruptly cancelled, when certain favorable tax incentives were dropped.  Legislators had called for these tax revisions, claiming that the firms were getting “just too darn greedy”, and needed to pay more of their Fair share.  One of the firms, Melfnerd Industries, decided to pull up stakes altogether and move the company to Botswana where the economic climate is better, and Leaders actually want the jobs there.  Many legislators have dismissed the Job Gain Avoidance number as being “totally speculative and hypothetical, aimed at dampening an otherwise rosy picture.”

The Labor Dept also reported that Mean Wage Gain Avoidance was high last month, but Executive Compensation Loss Avoidance was much less than expected.  “More evidence of the growing Avoidance disparity between the high-end and low-end of the pay scale,” cited liberally-minded Dept officials.  “With consumer price inflation avoidance less than expected and crude oil price decline avoidance less than originally projected, there continues to be a ratcheting squeeze on the lower middle class…particularly those who failed to avoid the mortgage crunch.”

A night class is being scheduled at Bizarreville Community College to explain economic avoidance theory.  At this point, however, the College is still searching for someone who would know how to teach it.

Many, many years ago on the East side of Bizarreville, an epidemic of weed growth overtook many of the grassy lawns.  The weed outbreak spread from lawn to lawn to lawn very quickly, prompting fear among all Bizarreville citizens.  At Town Hall meetings, people cried out for solutions.  Finally Frank Gorbasluff suggested “Let’s build a wall.  We’ll quarantine off the East side so the weed spores stay over there, and can’t migrate over here.”  The people applauded the idea, and immediately started to work on building the wall.  They also installed checkgates so that Easterners who had weed spores on their shoes could not enter the West side until they took a shower and fully cleansed shoes, socks, and other garments.

But over the years, the wall became a major political issue. segregating the Weedy Eastern Bizarrevillians from the Non-weedy Westerners.  Easterners would call the other side Weed Virgins, while Westerners would respond back calling the other side Weed  F#*^!#*$.  As you can imagine, it became very divisive.

About 20 years ago, President Reagan was passing through Bizarreville on his way to a Bar-B-Q restaurant somewhere.  Reagan heard about the rancor between East and West, and decided to pitch-in and help.  He tracked down the originator of the whole wall idea, and said the famous words, “Mister Gorbasluff, tear down this wall.  Go spray some freaking weed-killer over there, and that’ll take care of it all.  Trust me.”

Of course, as all know, that’s exactly what Gorbasluff did, and the rest is history.  They tore down the wall, double-sprayed with Weed Exterminator Plus, and green grass proliferated.  And East shook hands with West, although both applied that hand disinfectant afterwards…hey, true reconciliation takes a little time.

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Join our merry band of CPA’s as they meet up with their long-time, high-powered Lobbyists that they think will help them stop the whole tax simplification movement.  Imagine their surprise when the Lobbyists tell them that they have switched alliance, and now will be advocating for the other side…to push hard for the simplified tax structure.  What will happen?  Will there be a brouhaha?  Click on Simpli-tax, and join the fun.

Suddenly, its seem there is a nouveaux love affair with the bizarre teachings of Mao among some of the Port tack whacks.  Mao?  Killer of millions of his own people?  That Mao?  Huh?

Turns out, it was all a big mistake.  They weren’t quoting that nutball Mao…they were quoting Delwood Mou, the old red-neck who lives down at Slobson Creek.  Yeah, that guy.  The one who once said:  “Showers?  Baths?  Who needs ’em?  What a waste of our precious water resource!”  Or who said, “The only thing those f#&@*!  deer understand comes from the barrel of a gun.”  And…”When you put the power in people’s hands…well they’ll probably just fart if off.”   And finally, “Class stuggle is a problem in society… because some people like to go to classes, and others like me like to ditch.”  That Mou.

Mou is garnering more and more followers to his profound teachings.  He wrote a book chock full of his favorite sayings, but he forgot and left the original manuscript in a public restroom at the bus station.  Next morning:  gone.  He put out a $3 reward if anyone found it, but so far, not so good.  But with all these Libs now quoting Mou, he thinks the manuscript may surface.

Mou got much of his material…the provocative sayings, philosophy, and pretzel logic…from his grandfather, Papa Hooma Mou, who was a deeply religious preacher and part-time bass singer in a funky country music quartet.  Critics called the elder Mou “off key”.  The elder Mou would often bellyache about large corporations and capitalism.  They say that he was bitter, ever since being fired from Flummox Inc. for excessive absenteeism, sleeping on the job, general laziness, and using bad language.  “No way did I ever use bad language,” Papa Hooma Mou replied.  “I was flippin’ railroaded.  And that’s the problem with big companies…they’re out to fire all their workers…constantly on the look-out for who can we fire next?  They all need to be put in jail.”

When asked if he would prefer socialism, communism, marxism, or fascism as an alternate, old Mou would answer: “Sure.”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

Headline only.  More information to come.

Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville.  “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”

Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body.  Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears.  In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice.  Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products.  This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.

Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage.  The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain.  The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need.  The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment.  He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel.  Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says.  He may begin advocating destructive behavior.  It is very, very sad.

Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage.  There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible.  For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures.  Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.