bizarreville

The mayor of Bizarreville wanted to declare Super Bowl Monday a Bizarreville holiday.  His reasoning was simple:  the game is being played later and later every year, with parties now ending after midnight, making it very tough for him (and others) to make it into work the next day…especially after downing a 6-pack of Dogfish Head during the pre-game and scarfing another sixer during the game itself.  The mayor thought his proposal would be a slam dunk for approval, particularly this year with all the interest around the two competing teams.

But, unfortunately, he did not realize that most of the Council members were not football fans.  In fact they were un-fans.  They did not even tune in for the cute, creative Super Bowl commercials.  No, they preferred to watch the 12 billionth rerun of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, followed by the exciting reality tales of Ice Road Truckers.  They reminded the mayor that February is not a good month for holidays…they had already lost one when they combined Lincoln and Washington’s birthdays.  And the only way it could be done would be to eliminate one other holiday sometime during the year.

Of course, when the mayor suggested eliminating the Friday after Thanksgiving, he was promptly pummeled with obscenities and sneers by the 5am shopping faction of the Council.  They threatened to march down to every retailer in Bizarreville and tell them all that the mayor was trying to ruin the most important retail sales day of the year.  They would call him anti-business, anti-retailer, and anti-turkey.

The mayor was up for election in November, and knew that he could not recover from being labeled anti-turkey.  He gave up the fight, and came to terms that he would gut-out a Super Bowl Monday hangover.

The mayor of Bizarreville has volunteered to move the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial to Bizarreville.  This comes on the heels of hearing that New York City did not want any part in having the trial in their city for cost and safety reasons.  KSM will be tried in Judge John Axmaniac’s court, who has guaranteed a speedy, no-nonsense process, total openness, and a fair outcome.

The judge will actually hold court at the 12,000 seat Bizarro Arena basketball stadium.  The public will be welcome,and will be charged 10 bucks a head for a daily ticket, but each day will include a concert by the Bizarreville Jazz Orchestra immediately following trial proceedings.  Dancing will be available.

Normal concessions will be served, including dogs, beer, cheesy nachos, and other sports-type refreshments.  To simplify matters, all items will be priced at $10 each, correct bills are required.  The concession company will also serve fresh tomatoes that can be optionally thrown at KSM and/or his lawyers if fans don’t like what they see or hear during testimony.  Tomatoes will also be priced at $10 each, but fans can get 3 for $20 or a “frequent thrower” package of 10 for $50.

Film will be taken of the proceedings, and will later be turned into a feature length comedy movie, featuring Bill Murray as KSM and Dennis Miller as his hapless lawyer.  The Director will intermix real trial footage with comedy hijinx to make a film the whole family will enjoy.  Hilarity should reach a climactic peak when they all start throwing food at each other, a newly-trained apprentice underwear bomber gets knocked-out by a flying bench,  while the Judge keeps pounding his gavel until the head flies off and hits the bailiff in his private parts.

On a more serious note, the mayor understands the seriousness of the threat by Islamic terrorists during the trial, so he will have extra security people armed with bazookas at strategic spots near the arena.  Citizens in vans and SUVs will be warned to stay clear of the stadium’s entrances, so that they don’t get inadvertantly bazooka’ed.

As mentioned earlier, the Judge promises a speedy trial process. Much of the prosecution evidence is considered Top Secret, and will just be accepted as factual material without disclosure of details.  Defense has already agreed to not develop lame theories of the case.  And, in a surprising move, the Defense has agreed that during cross exam, prosecution witnesses can answer with a variation on the 5th Amendment, which they affectionately call the “Up yours, you friggin creeps” response to certain questions.

All in all, Bizarreville authorities think this could be a big money maker and are excited to get started ASAP.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Iran’s continued expansion of their nuclear program has elevated world concern, and once again brought up the subject of various economic sanctions to send a clear message.  The hope would be that these tough-minded sanctions, unlike the ones tried in Cuba for 50-plus years, would stimulate the Iranian people to pressure President Ahmadinejad to make directional shifts in nuclear strategy.  Secretary of State Clinton has been on a tour trying to get China and others to get on the sanction bandwagon, but thus far has had little success.

So, the US may be going it alone.  A task force has been assembled to identify saction items that would deliver a clear, strong message.  The list of sanctions is bold, and includes:  Cheese Balls in Sams Club mega-size buckets, White Castle frozen 12-packs, rabies shots, Bud Light, Ron Jon surfer shirts, Mickey Mouse watches, extra strength deodorant, flip flops, and Malt-o-Meal.

Earlier, there had been talk about sanctioning gasoline, but it was dismissed because Iran could just go to Venezuela or Russia to get that.  “But you can’t get Malt-o-Meal or White Castles from the Rooskies,” smirked a task force member.  “No sir.  We want to deliver a firm kick in the you-know-what so that they can wake up and smell the nachos.”

The task force believes Ahmadinejad will take notice because, allegedly, he is a serious Cheese Ball fanatic.  Rumor has it he will often just sit in front of his TV watching a soccer match, and polish off an entire Sams-size bucket by himself.  His previous doctor had told him to be careful how much of that crap he ate, because of its high fat content and lack of nutritional value.  But Ahmadinejad accused him of being a stinking infidel, and promptly shot him on the spot.  His new doctor takes a more pragmatic approach, says Cheese Balls are good for you, and has suggested that the president even have a second bucket if the mood suits him.

The sanctions are hoped to bring new spirit to Iran’s dissidents who could theoretically pressure Ahmadinejad to back down on the nukes.  But Iran’s president has already shown how he deals with dissidents.  One had the audacity to call him ‘Cheese Ball Willie’ in jest…Iran special forces ended up severing his unit, framing it along with a couple cheese balls, and displaying it at the new Tehran Fine Arts Museum.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Attention all shoppers.  For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before.  Everthing must go.  Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door.  We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes.  One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to.  They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk.  But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities.  And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster.  Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat.  As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters.  These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers.  Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product.  The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost.  While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”.  This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players.  It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts.  We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore.  We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase.  But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point.  Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.

Please click on the Simpli-tax page to see the latest chapter in our series…as the CPA’s desperately pull out all stops to prevent all attempts to simplify the Tax Code —>

Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months.  The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.

Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges.  Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers.  But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale.  Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.

Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy.  One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.

Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own.  NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available.  A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage.  Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.

The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility.  As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons.  He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.

The Bizarreville FBI office announced Monday with great pleasure, that serious crime such as murder, manslaughter, and mayhem dropped 10 percent in 2009.  This came as a surprise, given the tough economic conditions all year, which have historically caused sharp crime increases as the unemployed became whacky, desperate, and search for adrenaline-activating activities to occupy their idle time.

When asked to explain this unexpected outcome, FBI officials pointed to the increase in unemployment benefits, new entitlements, expanded food stamps, and assundry handouts to anyone who wants them, and other freebies which have negated much of the desperation factor.  “It’s a lesson for us all in how to reduce crime…just hand people what they want, when they want it, with minimal fuss and muss.  Stop all the greedy hording, and learn to share with your brothers and sisters.”

A Bizarreville News reporter challenged the FBI spokesman that this sounds a lot like Socialism, a socio-economic system that has typically produced more widespread desperation, expansive black markets, and high crime where/when tried…normally requiring expansion of policing agencies such as the FBI and other head-clobbering security forces.  The reporter was quickly whisked away by 4 large, fully-armed Agents, who indicated that they wanted to do more ‘exploratory questioning of his provocative, intriguing theories’.

The FBI spokesman went on to suggest that reducing the desperation factor could also apply to the country’s problem with hard drugs.  “It all comes down to the same desperation=crime formula.  In the Office, we are currently developing something we call the Nome Theory….here’s how it goes:  Let’s say we made all hard drugs legal in, say, all the northern counties of Alaska…made drugs relatively easy and cheap to obtain up there.  First, it would make the drug problems go away in northern Alaska.  But then…then, all the druggies across the country would begin to flock to northern Alaska, drawn by the ease of availability and ease of transaction…ultimately eliminating their desperation factor.  Yeah, you’d probably have some junkhead, spaced-out wonks crashing into each other in snowmobiles…might have a few frozen, tripped-out carcasses stretched out in the tundra…might have some illicit deals with the Eskimo mob.  Who cares?  The point is the Nome theory would hoover up the whole drug problem and dispose of it to an area where desperation could be ‘managed’ quite effectively at 20-below Farenheit.  The Nome Theory….pretty interesting, huh?”

The spokesman then asked if there were any more questions among the reporters, who all seemed a bit glassy-eyed at this stage.  But there were none.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Bizarreville retailers have reported that the December 26 Christmas present return lines were 15 percent shorter than previous years, sending a wave of concern among economists that the recession might be readying for another dip.  Customers interviewed on the retail scene commented of the distinct lack of traditional barging-in, exhaustive sighing, and shouting favorite sayings like ‘Can we get this  f*^&!ng  line moving, slowpokes?’  When asked whether they opted for using their return money to buy junky picked-over merchandise or just receiving store credit, nearly 65 percent said ‘store credit’.

Some analysts have suggested the outside possibility that the people across the land might just be happy with their gifts this year.  “With a tight economy, it’s conceivable that buyers have taken more time and been more deliberate in carefully choosing the right gift for the right person, rather than just buying the first piece of crap they see on a shelf,” commented Bill Stufford, Christmas analyst with Bahblong Financial Services.  “Of course, we’ve also seen the rise in Starbucks gift card purchases by customers who say ‘Screw It’ to the whole gift selection process…those cards rarely get returned.”

Economists from the prestigious Paranoid Economic Institute (PEI) are worried that any little blip in consumer confidence could rapidly evolve to a snowball effect, racing down the hill and picking up trees and skiiers in its path.  Critics of the PEI say, “Yeah, I saw that holiday cartoon, too….what was it a Bugs Bunny or a Road Runner?  Cracks me up every time.”  Nevertheless, the PEI says it’s never too early to start hand-wringing, and making sure pantries are fully stocked with canned goods and protected with a sturdy padlock.  They continue to suggest buying Gold, even those flimsy gold-plated hoaky commemorative coins that have dropped in price to $19.95 limited time offer.  It should be noted (and PEI readily admits) that they have a substantial equity stake in FlimsoMint LLC, the leader in minting and huckstering of commemorative crap of dubious perceived value.

Other economists and professional egg-heads are awaiting to see January results, normally a month of meaningless irrelevance.  But this year, they say, it might be different…or it might not.  They say they’ll wait and see, then make their conclusions afterwards…sort of like they do with everything in economic analysis…while cleaning the grime off their rear view mirrors.

To all our friends in Bizarreville Nation:

Sorry about the little problem earlier today.  Some crazy nutbags tried to hijack our beloved site.  But fear not.  We are back on line.  Lost a couple posts in the hubbub, but we will recreate them this weekend, assuming the New Years Eve hangover is not too gruesome.  Thanks to our growing numbers of fans for the nice comments recently…keeps us motivated to dream up even more bizarrity.

The management

The saga of the CPA’s march to kill the Simpli-Tax initiative continues, as the fruits of their Lobbying begin to blossom.  Please click on Simpli-Tax, the series ———>

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference.  Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia.  Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases.  To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look.  Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite.  It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers.  Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd.  This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters.  There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers. 

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter.  “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged.  Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place?  Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”