November 26th, 2009
Thanksgiving Day: still the controversy on turkey emissions
Most citizens in Bizarreville are expressing joy and giving thanks on this Thanksgiving Day today. They reflect on the year of triumphs and challenges, give thanks that they somehow made it through it all, then start carving into a plump turkey at the dining table. It would seem to be one day in the year free of whining and belly-aching.
But no. The Vegetarian Society of Bizarreville cannot resist the opportunity to have a march. This day, in particular, irks the hell out of them because of the shear volume of meat product and by-product that is wolfed down across the land. They rail about the enormous turkey farms in Midwest Bizarreville that create so much uncontrolled putrid odor that poisons the atmosphere with turknyacin (a word, we believe, they made up). “The turknyacin emissions are also being inhaled by birds, which has proven to cause a chemical reaction in their digestive tract. This produces an epoxy-like substance that, when their feces drops, becomes almost impossible to scrape off windshields. We have a bonefide 2009 Birdologist University study and our own windshields and bent scrapers to prove it.”
The Veg Society will have a communal dinner tonight at Gluffner’s Greenhouse Emporium. In the center of the table will be giant roasted broccoli sprigs, which will be meticulously carved by the Veg president. Members will feast on steamed yams, rutabagas, collards, lima beans, zuccini which was all donated by Hank’s Market. Hank said he was getting ready to throw it all out into the dumpster anyway, so was happy to divert it their way.
Many in the community are not happy with the “Veg-balls”, as they call them. They would prefer the members just eat their beans and shut up…”and have your university scholars study your emissions from all that bean processing, while you’re at it.” The Veg Society responds, “They’re just angry because they are forced every year to have to watch the Detroit Lions on TV. Yeah…that’s enough to bring out disgruntlement in anyone…even us.”
