bizarreville

Attention all shoppers.  For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before.  Everthing must go.  Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door.  We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes.  One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to.  They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk.  But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities.  And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster.  Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat.  As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters.  These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers.  Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product.  The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost.  While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”.  This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players.  It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts.  We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore.  We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase.  But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point.  Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.

Please click on the Simpli-tax page to see the latest chapter in our series…as the CPA’s desperately pull out all stops to prevent all attempts to simplify the Tax Code —>

Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months.  The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.

Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges.  Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers.  But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale.  Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.

Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy.  One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.

Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own.  NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available.  A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage.  Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.

The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility.  As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons.  He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.

The Bizarreville FBI office announced Monday with great pleasure, that serious crime such as murder, manslaughter, and mayhem dropped 10 percent in 2009.  This came as a surprise, given the tough economic conditions all year, which have historically caused sharp crime increases as the unemployed became whacky, desperate, and search for adrenaline-activating activities to occupy their idle time.

When asked to explain this unexpected outcome, FBI officials pointed to the increase in unemployment benefits, new entitlements, expanded food stamps, and assundry handouts to anyone who wants them, and other freebies which have negated much of the desperation factor.  “It’s a lesson for us all in how to reduce crime…just hand people what they want, when they want it, with minimal fuss and muss.  Stop all the greedy hording, and learn to share with your brothers and sisters.”

A Bizarreville News reporter challenged the FBI spokesman that this sounds a lot like Socialism, a socio-economic system that has typically produced more widespread desperation, expansive black markets, and high crime where/when tried…normally requiring expansion of policing agencies such as the FBI and other head-clobbering security forces.  The reporter was quickly whisked away by 4 large, fully-armed Agents, who indicated that they wanted to do more ‘exploratory questioning of his provocative, intriguing theories’.

The FBI spokesman went on to suggest that reducing the desperation factor could also apply to the country’s problem with hard drugs.  “It all comes down to the same desperation=crime formula.  In the Office, we are currently developing something we call the Nome Theory….here’s how it goes:  Let’s say we made all hard drugs legal in, say, all the northern counties of Alaska…made drugs relatively easy and cheap to obtain up there.  First, it would make the drug problems go away in northern Alaska.  But then…then, all the druggies across the country would begin to flock to northern Alaska, drawn by the ease of availability and ease of transaction…ultimately eliminating their desperation factor.  Yeah, you’d probably have some junkhead, spaced-out wonks crashing into each other in snowmobiles…might have a few frozen, tripped-out carcasses stretched out in the tundra…might have some illicit deals with the Eskimo mob.  Who cares?  The point is the Nome theory would hoover up the whole drug problem and dispose of it to an area where desperation could be ‘managed’ quite effectively at 20-below Farenheit.  The Nome Theory….pretty interesting, huh?”

The spokesman then asked if there were any more questions among the reporters, who all seemed a bit glassy-eyed at this stage.  But there were none.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Bizarreville retailers have reported that the December 26 Christmas present return lines were 15 percent shorter than previous years, sending a wave of concern among economists that the recession might be readying for another dip.  Customers interviewed on the retail scene commented of the distinct lack of traditional barging-in, exhaustive sighing, and shouting favorite sayings like ‘Can we get this  f*^&!ng  line moving, slowpokes?’  When asked whether they opted for using their return money to buy junky picked-over merchandise or just receiving store credit, nearly 65 percent said ‘store credit’.

Some analysts have suggested the outside possibility that the people across the land might just be happy with their gifts this year.  “With a tight economy, it’s conceivable that buyers have taken more time and been more deliberate in carefully choosing the right gift for the right person, rather than just buying the first piece of crap they see on a shelf,” commented Bill Stufford, Christmas analyst with Bahblong Financial Services.  “Of course, we’ve also seen the rise in Starbucks gift card purchases by customers who say ‘Screw It’ to the whole gift selection process…those cards rarely get returned.”

Economists from the prestigious Paranoid Economic Institute (PEI) are worried that any little blip in consumer confidence could rapidly evolve to a snowball effect, racing down the hill and picking up trees and skiiers in its path.  Critics of the PEI say, “Yeah, I saw that holiday cartoon, too….what was it a Bugs Bunny or a Road Runner?  Cracks me up every time.”  Nevertheless, the PEI says it’s never too early to start hand-wringing, and making sure pantries are fully stocked with canned goods and protected with a sturdy padlock.  They continue to suggest buying Gold, even those flimsy gold-plated hoaky commemorative coins that have dropped in price to $19.95 limited time offer.  It should be noted (and PEI readily admits) that they have a substantial equity stake in FlimsoMint LLC, the leader in minting and huckstering of commemorative crap of dubious perceived value.

Other economists and professional egg-heads are awaiting to see January results, normally a month of meaningless irrelevance.  But this year, they say, it might be different…or it might not.  They say they’ll wait and see, then make their conclusions afterwards…sort of like they do with everything in economic analysis…while cleaning the grime off their rear view mirrors.

To all our friends in Bizarreville Nation:

Sorry about the little problem earlier today.  Some crazy nutbags tried to hijack our beloved site.  But fear not.  We are back on line.  Lost a couple posts in the hubbub, but we will recreate them this weekend, assuming the New Years Eve hangover is not too gruesome.  Thanks to our growing numbers of fans for the nice comments recently…keeps us motivated to dream up even more bizarrity.

The management

The saga of the CPA’s march to kill the Simpli-Tax initiative continues, as the fruits of their Lobbying begin to blossom.  Please click on Simpli-Tax, the series ———>

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference.  Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia.  Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases.  To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look.  Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite.  It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers.  Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd.  This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters.  There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers. 

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter.  “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged.  Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place?  Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”

Bizarreville Senate leader Harry Dweed has got the whole Health Care issue figured out.  He has, however, had to bank on a new, not yet fully recognized branch of Mathematics to make the numbers come out right…a branch he has named “Bizarreville Math”.  PhD mathematicians worldwide are scratching their collective heads to decipher the pretzel logic on this one.  It could be a candidate either for the Nobel Prize in Math, or the Gobel Prize in comedy.  We’ll see.

Dweed proposes to expand Medicare to people in the age group 55-64, whom he says desperately want to early retire from their boring, mundane 40 hour/week jobs.  “These people have golfing and gardening to do, and it’s getting harder to get it all done just on weekends,” Dweed advocated.

At the same time, Dweed proposed drastic cuts in Medicare coverage, such as limiting all hospital stays to 1 day max, and eliminating so-called “discretionary” procedures such as heart bypass surgery, hip replacements, and cataract surgery.  “There’s alternatives for all those procedures that are far cheaper,” said a lib senator who apparently owes Dweed a favor.  “My mother-in-law is a working example of 1 of those.  I just bought her a beautiful guide dog for 200 bucks.  That’s what we call ‘fiscal responsibility’ in our household.”

Dweed said that his program will make Medicare solvent once again, using Bizarreville Math concepts and fully endorsed by Bill Smith Accounting and Waste Disposal Services LLC.  Critics have challenged the analysis, but Bill Smith gave a simple answer on how it works.  “Senator Dweed just gave me the answer, and all I had to do was plug the numbers to make it come out right.  Could not have done this years ago.  But with new Microsoft Excel spreadsheet technology, it makes it so much easier to do the reverse math.”

Dweed responded that it’s not quite that simple.  He claims that he used sophisticated algorithms, linear regression, and multi-variate analysis of inputs to derive the proforma calculations.  “But I guess we came out with the same answer, so who cares?”

(thanks for the idea, Mark)

Bizarreville leaders made another impassioned plea to the Pakistan leadership group to ask for their help in fighting Taliban in their border areas with Afghanistan.  In particular, they would like to find one of the new up and coming Taliban leaders Oscummo bin Shizbak, who has been sending Facebook messages and instructions to Islamo-terrorists worldwide.  Fortunately, not too many people have signed onto his Facebook because he is so darn butt ugly.  Rumor is he’s now trying to set up his Facebook page without a face.

Pakistan leaders have refused to provide help in the past.  “We don’t want to go in those freaking, nasty, allah-forsaken ghettos…nor any of those rabies-infested moldy caves,” said a Paki spokesman.  “You kidding?  If Oscummo or any of his revolting buddies shows up in Islamabad, we’ll cuff ’em and stuff ’em.”  Syndicated reruns of Hawaii Five-O just made it to Pakistan. 

But they’re not expecting Oscummo or his chums to show.  Talibanners rarely venture into big cities.  “They’re the Mother of all Dirt Bags.  They never buy new clothes, or for that matter, even clean the clothes they wear.”  They don’t bother with what they call capitalist luxuries like taking baths or other acts of personal hygiene.  They can fart, and no one can even tell.  “Soap, what’s that?  More infidel foolishness and waste,” Oscummo once said addressing a crowd at an Afghanistan soccer game that he was referreeing. 

Pakistan authorities reiterated that these creeps avoid cities like the bubonic plague (which ironically has recently outbroken in some of their filthy camps).  “If you see a Taliban in a city, he’s probably there to suicide bomb something.”

Another exciting adventure as our CPA heroes get on board with the Skunkfunk Lobby group to fight against tax simplification.  Their very jobs are at stake! ————————————–>