bizarreville

Bizarreville will feature a series of economic lessons which will attempt to illustrate the principles of Obamanomics in order to better educate the public on how these elements will stir the economy to fast, sustainable growth for the short term and long term.  The first lesson is the Trickle-up theory.

First, we must debunk the preposterous trickle-down theory.  This flawed theory believed that tax benefits given to the high-end of the paying spectrum would incent these business leaders to invest the windfalls into expanding their businesses, creating more economic growth, new jobs, new research and development into product and service improvements.  Of course, as anyone can see, the truth is that the rich guys just squander the wealth on larger neo-xanadu’s, barns full of classic Oldsmobiles, ridiculous amounts of philanthropy that generate no wealth, 48-dollar aged steak entrees at their exclusive snooty clubs, and vacations at Bertha’s Vineyard.

A better theory is the Trickle-up theory.  This idea starts with giving big tax breaks to people who pay no tax.  Unquestionably, these dollars will immediately go into consumer spending for twinkies, bar tabs, Lotto tickets, premium brand cigarettes, Natty Lights, grazings at the golden corral troughs, and jaunts to ripoff casino boats…the foundations of sustainable economic growth.  But, more importantly, these immediate actions will then have ripple effects that will generate even higher economic activity:

– Increases in junk food consumption will generate rises in obesity, spurring escalated activity in weight-loss plans, and new clothing purchases as the old XL sizes no longer fit and must be replaced with 3XL.  Stretch pants that have gone beyond stretch limits will need to be discarded and upsized.

– Associated increases in medical treatment spending as heart disease, lung cancer, and diabetes rise.  Pharmaceutical R&D  spending will increase to find new cures for new epidemic-level ills and new surefire weight loss pills.

– Job growth, as the need for new cops rises to handle increasing drug trade, and WalMart fights between customers for that last flowery size 22 blouse or chintzy video game.

– Weapons and ammunition sales increases as people want additional personal protection from drug thugs and parking place stealers.

– Expanded garage sales, to redeploy newly outgrown clothing.

– Exciting upgrades to trailer homes, by purchase of new curtains, indoor/outdoor carpeting for living rooms, and cheesy landscape artwork for their simulated paneling walls…the latter spawning a new generation of low-end artists who previously had struggled getting real jobs due to lack of motivation and/or lack of desire to wake up early in the morning.

The new flurry of economic activity will prompt creation of new, innovative discount store concepts.  These new retailers will find new ways to merchandise bargain basement goods to a group seeking the ultimate discount on flimsy stuff they didn’t even know they needed.  Some discount chains may conceivably even add check-out cashiers to ease the mile-long check-out lines…although this is considered by many analysts to be wishful thinking.

The trickle-up theory is a more practical concept in that assumptions do not need to be made in terms of how the recipients will act on their new benefits.  The tricklers will spend them immediately, as their past practice has proven…no ifs, ands, maybes, or wait and sees.  Historical data has proven this behavior to be true:  that there will be no stash-aways into some future college fund, or rainy-day fund.  It will be spent, and spent quickly…and begin the leveraging effect of widespread economic activity that will produce jobs.  The trickle-up theory is one that more and more wise people are glomming onto, and represents a foundation of new progressive thought.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including economic lessons.

The Bizarreville Congress just announced passage of a new law that will require all cigarette makers to put photos of dead guys on their packs.  Security was beefed-up during the press conference, expecting angry protests and disorderly behavior from various smoking advocate groups.

Quite the contrary.  Smoking advocates applauded the move, stating that it was the first time in recent memory that the government has done anything to help the ailing cigarette industry.

Turns out, the government will subsidize the artwork development, printing setups, and packaging modifications to adopt the Dead Guy specifications.  Each tobacco company will be able to choose its favored Dead guy art…among hundreds of funny-looking cartoons, caricatures of dead movie stars with superimposed cigarettes, and photos of various disfigured and toothless dead people pretending to be puffing away in the afterlife.

“I think it’s a hoot,” laughed one industry spokesman.  “I think this could be one of the best publicity enhancers we’ve seen in decades.  Did you see the Elvis artwork?  Man…I crack up every time I think about it.”

The industry spokesman was questioned whether he thought that young people would be dissuaded from smoking because of the graphic images of dead smokers.

“Are you s#!**ing me?  Kids are gonna snap these packs up like they were Slurpees at the 7-11.  Probably have that Elvis pack on back order from Day one.  Listen, Elmer, kids know that cigarettes are bad for you.  Duhhhh.  They know that swilling a 12-pack of beer, having pre-marital unprotected sex, driving 50 in a 30 zone, wolfing down triple cheeseburgers with extra-greasy fries are bad for you, too.  Double-duhhhh.  But let me tell you one thing…they’re gonna love these new cigarette packs (ha ha, ha).  What a riot!”

The spokesman was then asked how his company plans to change their production schedule.  “Called the plant this morning, and told them to crank it up 30 percent.  Just hope we can keep up.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are, of course, fictional.

After Northern Bizarreville government workers were forced to have to pay 5 bucks a month toward their Health Care costs, a backlash emerged in the Unionistas.  One of their leaders, former Labor secretary Rodberd Reich, was particularly miffed, and called a quick press conference.  Reich, who teaches “Marxism, Communism, and other Liberal Whackisms” at Bizarreville College for the Low SAT Scorers (BCLSS), appeared desheveled as the organizers had forgotten to bring a stool for him to stand on, so he could get his head above the podium.  A heckler in the audience made a slurring remark about shipping all midgets to Funkwater Island, and was quickly whisked away by security guards.  Several other Anti-Midgites who had created a disparaging puppet show in the rear of the audience, were also asked to leave, when laughter began to get disruptive to the business at hand.

“Friends and comrades,” Reich began, “It is time for us to climb out of our Strato-loungers, put the beer back in the fridge, and start organizing again.  This little insulting incident up north is just the tip of the iceberg…that, incidently, is melting fast due to global warming.  It’s 5 bucks now, but soon it will be 6, 7, 8…how high might it go?  10?  11?  It could happen.  And all the work that you have done…your fathers and grandfathers have done…to suck the life out of corporations and big government agencies, will be spinning down the commode and into that billion dollar 8-stage, environmentally-friendly sewage treatment plant that produces water of better quality than Perrier.  Trust me, I’ve drank both.  It’s true.”

“Organize now, before it’s too late.  Next thing you know, they’ll eliminate free parking at employee parking lots, install pay urinals, and replace the Coke products in your vending machines with generic brand colas, taste-free oranges, and Fizzies…”

At this point, one of the legs of his stool broke.  He uttered a few curse words, aimed at tall people in general.  That little rampage seemed to shock audience members, most of whom were non-midgets.  A chorus of boo’s rang out, and a few tomatoes were hurled toward Reich, all missing the Secretary, but one smacking into the podium microphone, causing it to go into a piercing feedback screech.  The infuriorated Reich hustled off stage, flipping the double bird to the now hostile audience.

“You F*#%heads better wise up and get with the bloody f*#%ing program, before it’s too f*#%ing late.  Big Brother has got your number, and is gonna stick it up your tall person a$$#oles,” he shouted while dodging additional tomato mortar-fire.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  But you already knew that.

Make it a funny Christmas.  Buy a friend (or adversary) a copy of Tales of Obamaland to jam into his/her Christmas stocking.  Tis the season to lighten up. 

Click on one of the e-retailers on the right ->

Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA.  Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true.  Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.

A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there.  When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere.  He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that.  Slam Futon sucks.  He’s barely worth a hill of beans.”  Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.”  The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.

But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window.  The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna.  He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home.  Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.

Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history.  With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent.  He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

The Bizarreville Tea Partiers assembled at the Monument Saturday morning, numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  Speakers talked about returning the nation to simple core values, prayer, personal responsibility, and pragmatic leadership.  Speaker after speader took to the podium to express his or her idyllic vision for the future. 

The crowd was initially very enthusiastic.  But they began to become restless, anxious, and soon became agitated when it became quite apparent that no tea was going to be served.  No earl grey, no english breakfast, no darjeeling, no afternoon delight.  No tea.

A small group of tea-drinkers in the back of the crowd started chanting, “We want tea.  We want tea.  We want tea.”  Before you knew it, the whole crowd seemed to erupt into the Tea chant.  The keynote speaker desperately tried to get the rally back on track by talking about tax reductions, investment incentives, and federal budget balancing…normally sure-fire themes.  But clearly the crowd wanted brewed refreshments, probably settling for anything of a brewed nature.

The speaker explained that the “Tea Party” was just a metaphor for the government’s wanton disregard for citizens’ input in regard to tax policy, individual freedoms, health care policy, government bailouts, reckless spending, and arbitrary law-making.  He explained that the nation was wandering in darkness, and needed a movement to help shine the light on their leaders’ misguidedness.  A citizen in the front row yelled out, “Yeah, we’re with you on the darkness thing.  But we still thought you were springing for the tea, man.  I’m parched.”

Eventually some of the rally organizers scrambled, bought out the tea inventories at nearby convenience stores, and started handing out bottles.  But by this time, a large throng of partiers had bailed, and were rumored to had reconvened at several nearby watering holes.

“Next time, don’t forget the friggin’ tea!” the keynote scolded as he stormed out of Monument Park.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

G. Marvin Shlonk, the CEO of Bumfunk Motors, just announced plans to step down from his post effective Monday.  Shlonk took over the position 4 years ago, after successfully taking Lardmark Airlines into bankruptcy and applying for several government bailouts, handouts, and kickbacks.  He has generally been regarded as a liquidation expert, and used his skills to downsize Bumfunk from 6 carlines down to 2, shutdown over 500 dealers nationwide, and reduce operating costs by eliminating Product Development and other non-essential functions.  He was not widely loved by employees, but he had claimed that he did not care anyway.

Shlonk’s claim to fame at Bumfunk was the introduction of an innovative line of wind-up rubberband vehicles that required no fuel whatsoever, and fit the President’s vision of energy efficiency.  The cars also employed the patented Flintstone braking system, considered “leading edge” in terms of energy efficiency.  Shlonk converted several old-fashioned assembly lines that had produced highly successful, but gas-hog sports cars into modern lines to produce the new vehicles he named WhizzerFunks. 

Marketing studies had suggested the public was clamoring for this type of car, and would line up to snap them up.  Turned out, however, that people became discouraged after discovering the car required 600 cranks to travel about 3 miles.  Back-packing eco-nerds loved the car.  The rest of the nation’s car-buying public just laughed, and stepped over to the gasoline models, at Bumfunk’s competitors.  Miles of rubber band supply stock still sit idle in Bumfunk warehouses.

The true downfall of Mr. Shlonk came when he referred to Bumfunk as “Bizarreville Motors” shortly after receiving a 3rd government bailout and making all Bumfunk common stock worthless.  That little slip of the tongue was an embarrassment to the Board, who immediately demanded his resignation.

Shlonk has expressed optimism for his future.  He said that there are plenty other pathetic companies out there who need bailouts, liquidations, and his style of indiscriminate makeovers.  He hinted that he is headed for the consumer electronics business segment to seek opportunities.

“Good morning, it’s 7:42 and we’re back with Fat Talk.  Are you as outraged as I am about these new proposed regulations in Bizarreville that would put a 50-cent tax on every can and bottle of non-diet soft drinks?  I mean, first it was the flap about having to pay for 2 airline seats if you were over 275 pounds…now this?  Call me at 1-800-CHUNKSTER, lines are open.  These feeble attempts by the government to thin us down to some pre-determined limit have gone too far, and it’s high time we rebel.  Our layers are bought and paid-for.  But here comes Big Brother again feeling a new social calling to manage personal behavior.  1-800-CHUNKSTER.  First call is from some skinny guy in Flumplard.”

“Yeah, first time caller, long-time listener.  You know you fat slobs sit around all day eating box after box of Oreos, bag after bag of nacho cheeseballs, Twinkies by the carload.  You don’t exercise, you don’t jazzercize, you never consider dieting, you just eat, fart, and s#!$ around the house…”

“So…..what’s your point?”

“My point is:  you and your tub-master listeners need to stop continually jamming your pie-holes.  Your obesity is affecting your health, and all of us skinny taxpayers are picking up the tab.  Most of you are too fat and too lazy to work, so you end up sucking away on the government dole.  Even without a job, you somehow still find ways to overeat, even if it mean sacrificing the roof over your head to get that double cheeseburger.”

“You sound like you need some Anger Management therapy, my friend.  There’s a good therapist …right next to the Main Street Bakery in Flumplard…mmmm…best peach cobblers I’ve ever eaten.  Like a peach explosion in your mouth.  And cupcakes.  Once bought a dozen of their red velvet cupcakes…melt in your mouth awesome.  Try it.  Next caller…?

“Hi.  I was going to make a point about the soft drink tax, but you reminded me of another bakery in Flumplard.  It’s right on the corner of 4th and Flumplard Boulevard…called Creamy Dreams, or something like that.  They make their own fudge that they spread over giant pecan danish pastries.  Never had anything like it.  You should try it.”

“Mmmmm…sounds good.  I may go there after the show is over.  You know, while we’re on the subject of bakeries, I just heard a rumor that a new business is opening up in Shlonktown to DELIVER fresh bakery items to your home…right to your front door.  That’s right …something we have been advocating for years…reminiscent of the old bread trucks, but this time with trays of all kinds of yummy baked goodies.  Don’t even have to get off the couch.  Call me if you know anything about this at 1-800-CHUNKSTER.  It can be such a hassle to traipse down to a bakery a couple times a day.  And, if you’re like me, you smell the place and never want to leave…here’s another skinny guy on the line.”

“Why don’t you just move into a bakery?  Do your whole show from inside a freaking bakery every day?  That way you could just blather for 3 hours about all the smells and new concoctions the baker is whipping up…put all your listeners into a sugar-induced fantasy trance…”

“Not a bad idea….hey, Johnnie, put that on our list for next week.  Man, I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  Got any more of those Ho-ho’s or Ding-dong’s hidden in your console back there, Johnnie?  Be honest, you chubby twerp.  Hand ’em over.   Back in a minute….”

With the Bizarreville public school system in such an utter financial mess and facing infrastructure collapse, officials have formed committees, task forces, and special focus groups to help develop solutions.  The School Commission retained noted pollster Dimbleweed and Frumpp Inc. to gauge public acceptance/relunctance to enact a tax increase to aid the struggling school programs.  Over 2000 people were surveyed and interviewed from a cross-section of citizens.

The poll found that 49% of people surveyed favored a tax increase to pour good, new dollars into previously failed school programs.  39 percent opposed any sort of new tax, while 12% did not understand the question.

Initially, analysts thought this was a shocking result.  On closer examination, however, the picture became clearer.  Nearly all of the 49 percent favoring increased taxes were people who pay no taxes themselves, and are card-carrying bonefide lunks who sponge off the system.  Exit poll interviews with them revealed a strong desire to soak the rich a little more, especially those with jobs, savings accounts, credit cards instead of debit cards, and/or families without one or more deadbeat dads.  Interviewees felt that the best way to solve the school system problems was to piss away more money at it, especially since it was not their money.  One interviewee, to make a point, dropped his drawers and peed on a nearby mailbox. 

“Education is important,” another survey-respondent said, “and we need to support our schools.  In fact, we need to give all the teachers a raise, build some new buildings, and rehire teachers who were fired just because they’re not so good at teaching.  And while we’re at it, we need more free lunches with better food besides just pizza and salads.  And different flavor shakes besides just chocolate and vanilla…get some variety.”

It is still not certain how the Commission will use these poll results in determining how to bolster the sagging system.  Taxes may be part of the answer, but since fewer and fewer people actually pay tax anymore, there will need to be a broader-based solution.  A sub-committee has been formed to deal with non-tax proposals, but so far has not come up with any ideas.

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions.  Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general.  Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks.  His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background.  Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to.  The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation.  “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator.  It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated. 

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville.  People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release.  And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck. 

But the last charge was a huge concern.  “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said.  “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.”  A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said.  “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that.  I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him.  I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”.  I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar.  It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war.  It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma.  Voting is expected by week’s end.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

Please join our band of CPAs as they apply the final nail to assure that any form of tax simplification will be dead and remain dead.  This is part 18, and the final episode in our popular Simpli-Tax cyber-drama. Enjoy—————->

 And remember, it was all brought to you by Tales of Obamaland, a fun book of fables and tales, satirizing everything that is stupid.  Please click on Amazon or any other e-retailer on the right to order your copy.  Buy one for Dad as a belated Fathers Day present, or buy one for your son to thank him for the ugly tie he bought you.  Buy one for your politically-savvy friend who needs to lighten up a bit.  You will love it.