bizarreville

For the past year, the Administration has purposely avoided the term ‘War on Terror’ when describing the war on terror, mainly because it was a term coined by the Bushites.   So, four weeks ago, they launched a contest to all citizens to come up with a new creative name for this Whatever thing against Whoever.  The first prize is a week stay in the luxurious William Henry Harrison room in the White House basement, plus a royalty arrangement whereby he/she will get 1 cent for every time the new phrase gets used by a government official.

Entries were supposed to have been closely guarded, but our intrepid investigators have searched through White House trash receptacles to find some of those ideas that have made the first cut:

Critics have expressed outrage with this silliness, and cannot understand why the Administration just won’t stay with War on Terror.  But officials argue back, “Who is ‘terror’?  Is that some high school bully who gives you a wedgie?  Is that a graffiti creep who scratches obscenities in john stalls?  You can’t be that ambiguous when it comes to this kind of thing.  Plus, we need something a little catchy.”

White House staffers are considering retaining Marketing wizards that dream up snazzy names for new cars to submit ideas.  This would include those legendary visionaries who came up with such beauties as LeBaron, Fierenza, Cobalt, Cordoba, Tempo, LTD2, and Edsel.  They feel certain that these folks will come up with at least one LeBaron-quality idea.

They have also tried to enlist Muhammed Ali to come up with a clever “Rumble in the Jungle” kind of phraseology, but allegedly he told them to kiss off.

Insiders say that results should be finalized by next week, at which time they can start developing posters, buttons, and banners.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The mayor of Bizarreville has volunteered to move the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial to Bizarreville.  This comes on the heels of hearing that New York City did not want any part in having the trial in their city for cost and safety reasons.  KSM will be tried in Judge John Axmaniac’s court, who has guaranteed a speedy, no-nonsense process, total openness, and a fair outcome.

The judge will actually hold court at the 12,000 seat Bizarro Arena basketball stadium.  The public will be welcome,and will be charged 10 bucks a head for a daily ticket, but each day will include a concert by the Bizarreville Jazz Orchestra immediately following trial proceedings.  Dancing will be available.

Normal concessions will be served, including dogs, beer, cheesy nachos, and other sports-type refreshments.  To simplify matters, all items will be priced at $10 each, correct bills are required.  The concession company will also serve fresh tomatoes that can be optionally thrown at KSM and/or his lawyers if fans don’t like what they see or hear during testimony.  Tomatoes will also be priced at $10 each, but fans can get 3 for $20 or a “frequent thrower” package of 10 for $50.

Film will be taken of the proceedings, and will later be turned into a feature length comedy movie, featuring Bill Murray as KSM and Dennis Miller as his hapless lawyer.  The Director will intermix real trial footage with comedy hijinx to make a film the whole family will enjoy.  Hilarity should reach a climactic peak when they all start throwing food at each other, a newly-trained apprentice underwear bomber gets knocked-out by a flying bench,  while the Judge keeps pounding his gavel until the head flies off and hits the bailiff in his private parts.

On a more serious note, the mayor understands the seriousness of the threat by Islamic terrorists during the trial, so he will have extra security people armed with bazookas at strategic spots near the arena.  Citizens in vans and SUVs will be warned to stay clear of the stadium’s entrances, so that they don’t get inadvertantly bazooka’ed.

As mentioned earlier, the Judge promises a speedy trial process. Much of the prosecution evidence is considered Top Secret, and will just be accepted as factual material without disclosure of details.  Defense has already agreed to not develop lame theories of the case.  And, in a surprising move, the Defense has agreed that during cross exam, prosecution witnesses can answer with a variation on the 5th Amendment, which they affectionately call the “Up yours, you friggin creeps” response to certain questions.

All in all, Bizarreville authorities think this could be a big money maker and are excited to get started ASAP.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Iran’s continued expansion of their nuclear program has elevated world concern, and once again brought up the subject of various economic sanctions to send a clear message.  The hope would be that these tough-minded sanctions, unlike the ones tried in Cuba for 50-plus years, would stimulate the Iranian people to pressure President Ahmadinejad to make directional shifts in nuclear strategy.  Secretary of State Clinton has been on a tour trying to get China and others to get on the sanction bandwagon, but thus far has had little success.

So, the US may be going it alone.  A task force has been assembled to identify saction items that would deliver a clear, strong message.  The list of sanctions is bold, and includes:  Cheese Balls in Sams Club mega-size buckets, White Castle frozen 12-packs, rabies shots, Bud Light, Ron Jon surfer shirts, Mickey Mouse watches, extra strength deodorant, flip flops, and Malt-o-Meal.

Earlier, there had been talk about sanctioning gasoline, but it was dismissed because Iran could just go to Venezuela or Russia to get that.  “But you can’t get Malt-o-Meal or White Castles from the Rooskies,” smirked a task force member.  “No sir.  We want to deliver a firm kick in the you-know-what so that they can wake up and smell the nachos.”

The task force believes Ahmadinejad will take notice because, allegedly, he is a serious Cheese Ball fanatic.  Rumor has it he will often just sit in front of his TV watching a soccer match, and polish off an entire Sams-size bucket by himself.  His previous doctor had told him to be careful how much of that crap he ate, because of its high fat content and lack of nutritional value.  But Ahmadinejad accused him of being a stinking infidel, and promptly shot him on the spot.  His new doctor takes a more pragmatic approach, says Cheese Balls are good for you, and has suggested that the president even have a second bucket if the mood suits him.

The sanctions are hoped to bring new spirit to Iran’s dissidents who could theoretically pressure Ahmadinejad to back down on the nukes.  But Iran’s president has already shown how he deals with dissidents.  One had the audacity to call him ‘Cheese Ball Willie’ in jest…Iran special forces ended up severing his unit, framing it along with a couple cheese balls, and displaying it at the new Tehran Fine Arts Museum.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers.  He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves.  “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President.  “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes.  You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service.  “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama.  “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague.  The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats.  Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet.  “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people.  But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens.  “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said.  “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome.  But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls.  For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything.  But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way.  I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues.  “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Attention all shoppers.  For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before.  Everthing must go.  Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door.  We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes.  One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to.  They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk.  But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities.  And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster.  Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat.  As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters.  These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers.  Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product.  The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost.  While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”.  This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players.  It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts.  We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore.  We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase.  But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point.  Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.

The Bizarreville Skunksprays football team finished once again in last place with a pitiful 0-16 record.  There will most certainly be plenty of handwringing and February quarterbacking about why their team is sub-dysfunctional and why their performance is litterbox-ready.

But after the last game of the year, Bill “Skinny” Skurff, the retired coach from Bizarreville High School, had the whole problem figured out.  “The Offensive team does NOT like the Defensive team, and vice versa,” he said.  “I mean, they really hate each other.”  The coach went on to say that their mutual dislike prevents each side from focusing on what’s important, and ultimately stymies the Skunksprays from coming together as a team to become successful.  “That, plus the players mostly suck.”

Video tapes of the seasons lowlights confirm that Skurff is right.  In one game, after an inadvertent fumble by a runningback deep in their own zone, you can see the Defense coming onto the field flipping the bird to the Offensive players.  Later, after the Offense drove 92 yards to score a touchdown, you can see the quarterback unloading the F-bomb on the Defensive line players resting on the bench.  Then later in the game, when the score was close and the game was on the line, both sides were engaged in some “kiss my ass” banter, which ultimately resulted in a crucial Delay-of-Game penalty that became their undoing.

In another game, video tapes show both sides mooning each other during a TV timeout, while the opposition team members just watched dumbfounded in amazement.  “What’s wrong with those idiots over there?” spouted the opposition quarterback, who later threw for seven touchdowns in an 81-3 win over the Sprays.

Coach Skurff said that if both sides could show more respect and truly work together to help each other, results would certainly improve.  But they first must come down off their high horses, remove boards from certain crevices, develop a little humility, and start thinking of themselves as ONE team, not two teams.  It’s called team bipartisanship… recognizing that Defense and Offense can be adversaries and see things differently…but can also find common ground.  Each side has different roles, different skills, different ideas how to win.  But acting as one team and all players executing their roles well, supported by coaches who build and bring people together could take them out of pathetic perrenial last place dwellers up to perhaps a solid “mediocre” level.  And who knows….get rid of a few no-talent scumbuckets, replace them with skilled, smart players who don’t deficate in their own pants…and it could be conceivable that the Skunksprays could break .500, maybe not likely, but possible.

It’s hard to teach an old Skunk new tricks, so miracles are not expected.  Bookies are giving short odds on another 0-16 season next year.

Many of the obscure cable networks are licking their chops at what could be a major, major ratings opportunity for them tonight.  Programming chiefs are scurring to rearrange schedules and poring through their archives to find and offer their best programming material for this once-in-a-blue-moon special night.

The excitement began to brew when recent polls were released showing that a record number of people would NOT be watching the President’s State of the Union diatribe tonight.  Viewership could reach the lowest level since the Eisenhower administration.  Citizens who participated in Focus Group interviews showed frustration bordering on exasperation with the government’s ineptitude when it comes to listening to the voices of people on the major issues of the day:  jobs, economy, jobs, health care, and jobs.  Respondents said, “If these candy-asses won’t listen to us, then we won’t listen to them.  Bring on the Animal Planet’s Greatest Hits.  Bring on Paula Dean to give us a primer on the use of butter.  Bring on that thrill-packed basketball match between WhoCares College and Bum F*$#!  University.”

With all the major networks and many news-oriented cable networks committed to covering the boring State of the Union speech, the even boring-er Republican response, and the epitome of boring Talking Head analysis of what was just said, tens of millions of TV watchers will be power-pushing the remote button to find something, anything that would have just a modicum of interest.

Many obscure cable networks have sent emergency emails to their advertisers informing them that ad rates will be going up by 50% or more during this 2-hour time slot…almost like their version of SuperBowl Sunday.  Not surprisingly, the networks have said they have gotten very little pushback on this hike.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Pundits in Bizarreville had been anxiously anticipating to have an Argument field day with the latest Supreme Court decision opening the floodgates for Corporations and Unions to dump bucket loads of cash into political candidate campaigns.  Many feel this could greatly impact election results, by ushering-in the quid pro quo set with pockets full of cash ready to buy influence at discount prices.

But at a recent charity dinner attended by Bizarreville’s top CEO’s, it would appear there is not much to worry about.  “They all suck,” spouted William O. Burff, Chairman of BizarroBank.  “Why would we want to piss money away on those two-bit clowns?  Would rather take the cash and use it as a wipe…at least that would serve one purpose.”

Gerald Funkshmitz, CEO of Bizarreville Rubber and Rubbers agreed.  “If one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour runs for office, say that Larry the Cable Guy fellow, for example…well then, yes, we would probably kick in some major dough for his campaign.  The rest of those knuckleheads out there running?  Just a bunch of friggin’ lawyers who missed becoming partners.  Why would I trust those  f*#*$!rs?”

The President of the IBEW local had similar statements.  “If none of these bozos can figure out how to create more good jobs in Bizarreville, they can all go to hell.  I’d be happy to buy them a 1-way ticket.  Is that allowed in this stupid new law?”

The Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce Executive Director tried to counter this by saying that he was certain there would be plenty of other corporations and unions who will pony up bucks when push comes to shove.  But as a true Chamber ambivalent professional, he later said he felt very strongly on both sides of the issue, and would fight with every fiber in his being to defend either or both points of view.

Meanwhile, pundits are throwing in the towel on this issue, and turning their respective rages on other screwball political matters on the docket.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Bizarreville Studios has just announced plans to begin shooting a new movie in Washington, DC.  The movie will be another sequel to the Dumb & Dumber comedy series, with the working title “Dumbest, Period.”  PR people at the studio say that it will be the funniest yet, with hijinx and situational bizarrity galore.

The script, which is still in development with new hiliarious vignettes being written every day from real-life antics, will be about the Obama administration fumbling around with new programs, rules, and pronouncements out the ying-yang, but they never quite figure out that the real problem is Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.  Early in the movie, there will be a precious situation when the EPA Secretary tries to convince the President they will create 100 thousand new jobs with the so-called Cap&Tax program by increasing paperwork, permits, stupid reports, and general red tape.  Laughs become side-splitting as former productive factory workers stumble along trying to fill-out meaningless paperwork with work gloves on.

Then, the Treasury Secretary persuades the Cabinet that increasing taxes will increase jobs…by intentionally overcomplicating the Tax Code, eliminating those bothersome Short forms, so that no one can fill out their own taxes.  Hilarity is in abundance as regular Joes cuss, kick doors, and pee on the new forms before they finally throw in the towel.

But the best part of the story is when advisors keep telling the President that he should focus on Jobs…and within minutes, he develops temporary amnesia and keeps forgetting and forgetting.  His Aides have him write down “Jobs” on a piece of paper, but he keeps losing the paper.  Then he writes “Jobs” on his palm…but when he reads it back, he thinks it says “Joes” , and goes out for a seafood dinner.  Comedy hits its climactic peak when a football stadium full of people chant: “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, but the poor President thinks they are saying “Slobs, slobs, slobs” and just gets pissed.  The team on the field finally runs up to his box and dumps a bucketload of Gatorade on his head, as the scoreboard reads: It’s the Jobs, Stupid!!  And everyone ends up dancing on the field to the final song:  Take this job and shove it. 

Casting is well underway.  The Casting Director is looking for specific types of actors who can not only act dumb, but also just look dumb with a funny dumbness air about them…kind of like a 1950’s Jerry Lewis look.  The Director would like to hire some of the real officials in the administration for some of the parts, because clearly they possess the skills and personal attributes they’re looking for…and would be perfect in the roles.

The movie has a fairly small budget, but no matter:  They just plan to overrun it.  Would you expect anything less?

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously.  Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives.  Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.

Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing.  The big banks have helped the President’s case  by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry.  The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact.  Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.

The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion.  The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant.  There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay.  The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats.  By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.

But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery.  One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation.  Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets.  But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size.  When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!”  The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.

Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape.  “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said.  “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.” 

It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.