January 28th, 2010
Thousands break-out in yawn flu last night
An epidemic of Yawn Flu was reported by hospitals nationwide last night. Doctors are puzzled by this sudden outbreak of cases that have numbered in the hundreds of thousands. Emergency rooms were reported to have been backed up several blocks long in the wee hours.
Normally considered a rare affliction, Yawn Flu forces its victims to yawn almost continuously, resulting in breathing difficulties. Causes are not completely understood, but onset appears to be caused by some kind of external force that sucks all the oxygen out of its victims. In many cases, the event seems to have been accompanied by an excruciatingly boring event that leaves an indelible pock mark on the victim’s brain.
The treatment that works best according to yawnologists is to lay the victim down in bed, strap on an oxygen mask, and have the victim watch non-stop Three Stooges reels, featuring Curly. Doctors say that Shemps are not nearly as effective, and are discouraged from use. A more controversial treatment is to play Jimmy Buffet songs in the background, put a couple parrots in the room, and load the victim up with frozen margaritas.
Recovery can often take several days or weeks before the boredom toxins are fully flushed from bodily tissues. And even after released, the victim can become reinfected by things as simple as watching a high school band perform during football halftime, calling a mother-in-law, or even waiting in line at a Starbucks. So caution should always be used to keep the victim as far away from boredom triggers as possible.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already knew that.
