bizarreville

Iran’s continued expansion of their nuclear program has elevated world concern, and once again brought up the subject of various economic sanctions to send a clear message.  The hope would be that these tough-minded sanctions, unlike the ones tried in Cuba for 50-plus years, would stimulate the Iranian people to pressure President Ahmadinejad to make directional shifts in nuclear strategy.  Secretary of State Clinton has been on a tour trying to get China and others to get on the sanction bandwagon, but thus far has had little success.

So, the US may be going it alone.  A task force has been assembled to identify saction items that would deliver a clear, strong message.  The list of sanctions is bold, and includes:  Cheese Balls in Sams Club mega-size buckets, White Castle frozen 12-packs, rabies shots, Bud Light, Ron Jon surfer shirts, Mickey Mouse watches, extra strength deodorant, flip flops, and Malt-o-Meal.

Earlier, there had been talk about sanctioning gasoline, but it was dismissed because Iran could just go to Venezuela or Russia to get that.  “But you can’t get Malt-o-Meal or White Castles from the Rooskies,” smirked a task force member.  “No sir.  We want to deliver a firm kick in the you-know-what so that they can wake up and smell the nachos.”

The task force believes Ahmadinejad will take notice because, allegedly, he is a serious Cheese Ball fanatic.  Rumor has it he will often just sit in front of his TV watching a soccer match, and polish off an entire Sams-size bucket by himself.  His previous doctor had told him to be careful how much of that crap he ate, because of its high fat content and lack of nutritional value.  But Ahmadinejad accused him of being a stinking infidel, and promptly shot him on the spot.  His new doctor takes a more pragmatic approach, says Cheese Balls are good for you, and has suggested that the president even have a second bucket if the mood suits him.

The sanctions are hoped to bring new spirit to Iran’s dissidents who could theoretically pressure Ahmadinejad to back down on the nukes.  But Iran’s president has already shown how he deals with dissidents.  One had the audacity to call him ‘Cheese Ball Willie’ in jest…Iran special forces ended up severing his unit, framing it along with a couple cheese balls, and displaying it at the new Tehran Fine Arts Museum.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.