bizarreville

The joint leadership of Congress declared last week the official end of bipartisanship and any pretense of both sides working together.  The exciting announcement was made together by both parties on the steps of the Capitol, after which the parties gave each other high-fives, chest bumps, then flipped each other the bird.  There was dancing in the street by all the citizens who have been sick and tired of all the mickey mouse for months.  The press corps also cheered wildly, and broke out bottles of cheap champagne to celebrate the end to the silly games of gotcha…although some reporters sadly realized that the funnest parts of their jobs may now be over, and they will have to go back to just reporting plain old boring news.

It was long overdue.  But the recent Health Care bill fiasco finally made all realize that enough is enough.  “We want to take the country into a new, exciting, changed world…a world of marxism, and they don’t,” said a Democratic senator.  “There’s no reasoning with those slobs on the right.  They just want the same old/same old…with policies of minimal government that are so passe that no one in the world subscribes to anymore.  They need to seriously join the 21st century, and get out of their 1776-vintage old fogey ways.  Time to wake up and smell the latte, boys.”

Republicans are also relieved at not having to bother with “finding common ground with skunks,” as one congressman put it.  They had become frustrated after trying for months and months to interject one lousy little idea into the Obamacare bill, but were shot down and shut out on every try.  Conservatives had gotten angry over the secret backroom deals, the Cornhusker Kickbacks, making-up new far-fetched rules on the fly if Dems didn’t like the old rules, and worst of all – using the Constitution for TP.  Finally, they said piss on it…we’ll let the voters decide in November if they want Mao and his buddies running things.  They then bought themselves a round of shots at Murphy’s Bar, and poured them down their gullets.

The party atmosphere is expected to continue through the St. Patrick’s day holiday.  Liberals will be dressed in their customary orange outfits so as to not offend non-Irish people, and naturally are prepared to be cat-called “Protestants” on Wednesday.  All are hoping to avoid confrontations like the ones last year, which unfortunately culminated in one drunken Lib yelling out, “Danny Boy was a tea bagger.”  Naturally this erupted into fisticuffs with several black eyes, before the paddywagons took the drunk and his orange buddies away.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House.  Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need.  One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker.  Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer.  Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way.  Pretty sweet…”

Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd.  Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson.  Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary.  They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.

But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts.  Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection.  They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement.  These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.

Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington.  Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bizarreville reporters have been able to get the inside scoop to help us all better understand Rahm Emanuel’s new shower strategy to pressure various Dems to vote for the President’s liberaloski agenda.  Many pundits had previously thought the shower thing was kind of yang showdown…but further investigation uncovered certain technical problems that made that approach non-feasible.

No, Emanuel is instead trying to break down the shyness barrier that is so prevalent in the country, so that people get more used to the idea of communal showers and public baths.  “After all,” Emanuel said, ” it was commonplace in Roman times for citizens to get naked together, bathe with each other, and wash each others’ private parts.  Why, two thousand years later, are we so nakedophobic now?”

Communal bathing is a key cornerstone in his future vision for the country.  He considers people who have enormous master bathrooms and homes with multiple private toilets as “greedy crappers”.  He has mentioned several times that he converted 3 bathrooms in his own home into small apartments for his in-laws, and replaced one small toilet in the remaining head with a communal trough for multi-users.  Rahm points out that his family saves 2000 gallons of water per year by these buddy-up conservation measures.

For smirkers, Emanuel responds that his setup will be the model for the future, when water rationing becomes law…probably in Obama’s second term.  Meanwhile, he understands that some congressmen will complain about his jaybird strategy.  Female congresspeople could not be reached for comment.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Disproving another adage, Bizarreville is now offering a Free Lunch from 12 noon to 1:00 pm Monday through Friday.  It is being done with no adverse impact to current taxpayers, and no strings attached.  It is totally free, and open to anyone and everyone who wants or needs a lunch.

Free Lunch will be available at the former home of Shanky’s Bar-B-Q, the originators of the baby back donkey ribs and the cabbage-flavored barbeque sauce.  Shanky’s, as most know, went belly-up after the alleged food poisoning epidemic and associated lawsuits.

One word of caution for the lunch freeloaders who might be tempted to take advantage of this enticing opportunity.  The bill of fare consists of a variety of pre-digested, processed, and freshly scooped dog food…somewhat watery in texture and pungent to the nose.  It is not particularly appetizing, but it is free, and free in basically unlimited quantities.  Free Lunch also solves a perplexing environmental problem…but that is the subject of another story.

Free Lunch is brought to you by your friends on the Liberal Left, who believe that quantity is more important than quality, and that everyone has an inalienable right to the pursuit of food.  Free Lunch will be funded by the future, not-yet-conceived grandchildren of Bizarreville taxpayers.  Thank you letters have been written, and will be sent/opened when the babies are born and become old enough to read.  When the kids reach 21 years of age, they will receive the invoice.

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China.  The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China.  Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.

Negotiations had been underway for several months.  China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico.  When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious.  The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert,  a$$#ole.”  Both sides finally settled on Idaho.

The decision was not without controversy.  Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain.  “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone.  Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”

A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state.  An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped.  Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.

One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho.  China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho.  “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Introducing an exciting new product from your friends at Bumco Products Inc:  The “Progressive” short leash for your pooch.  It’s ideal to prevent old Rover from having too darn much freedom, and roaming through the whole yard sniffing your flowers, chasing little critters, and defecating all over tarnation.  It makes cleanup a snap.

The short leash is precisely 3 feet long and made of the sturdiest leather that will snap little Scooter’s neck if he momentarily forgets about this rein.  It comes in 6 different colors so that the dog owner can change it often to make it seem a bit different (of course, your color-blind dog will not know too much difference).  A sequined leash is available at extra cost for true style setters.

The Progressive is a bold product entry that has been extensively market tested.  Some may ask why Bumco is releasing the product when all the market research suggested it is one of the 10 stupidest ideas of all time?  The courageous leadership at Bumco World Headquarters are progressive, forward-thinkers who truly believe they are much smarter than the idiots in the research surveys and focus groups.  They plan to advertise, advertise, and then advertise a little more until people are so sick and tired of the badgering that they just go buy it.  It is certainly a bold marketing strategy that has never been successful in the history of mankind…but there is always a first time for everything, and this may just be that time.

Bumco is also in the final stages of development of an even shorter leash, measuring a mere 2 feet, 6 inches…tentatively named the “Progressive Plus”.  This product, when used with Big Dogs, will prevent them from even raising their heads up completely, but will still allow them to do normal functions like eat and piss.  Some have asked if the ultimate objective is to keep shortening until the dog’s nose is pressed up against the anchor stake…but Bumco responds, “Of course not.”

The product will initially be only offered on-line, since all the Bizarreville pet stores have expressed a reluctance to carry the Progressive line at this time.

The administration announced today that Keith Uberman, famous sports anchor-turned-leftomaniac, has been appointed to the new position of Propoganda Ministry Czar.  He will be able to keep his current position as angry commentator and socialist bureau chief at MS-NBC.

The administration spokesman said that the President has been a big fan of Uberman’s snappy, passionate, over-the-top blathermanship of the extreme liberal agenda.  They see a role for Uberman in creating a series of films, television specials, commercials, and other media delights that will better persuade the naive public to their way of thinking, the proper way of thinking.

“We have tried and tried and tried to explain to citizens the wonderful benefits of socializing medicine, nationalizing industry, sharing wealth, and taxing the piss out of anyone who earns a decent salary…but, I guess, the citizens are just too darn thick-skulled to understand it,” the spokesman said.  “But we blame ourselves for not delivering a clearer message that can be understood by people who are, quite frankly, less intelligently-endowed than us.  That’s where Uberman comes in.  He’ll take pages out of the best propogandists in world history, and apply it to the issues of today.  And to work with him, we will choose from a long list of liberal Hollywood-types to score the background music to tug those emotional strings of the viewers.”

MS-NBC did not offer much comment except to say that occasional loss of Uberman’s service is not expected to have much impact on audience share.  “We may just put a cardboard cut-out of his upper body in his seat, and have a mic’ed impersonator offstage delivering his monologue commentaries.  We’ve tested that concept with focus groups of typical MS-NBC viewers, and honestly they can’t even tell the difference.  We may try to add that Clutch Cargo lip movement special effect to help make it look even more real.”

A spokesman for Conservatives was asked to comment, and said he remembered how funny Uberman was as a sports anchor on ESPN.  When asked about his shift over to hard-left commentary, he said that they all thought he’s just been kidding… just being a deadpan sarcastic wisenheimer all this time.  “You mean he’s actually being serious with all that liberal drivvel??   Ha, ha, ha, ha…could have fooled me!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Continuing coverage of the President’s Health care summit with 5th graders.  Next up for the class is Matt Burpmore:

Q4. How can we make the Health insurance companies themselves more efficient so that insurance costs can come down for the people?

Matt:  Why are the health insurance companies inefficient now?

President:  Part of the problem, Matt, is that there’s not enough competition among the health insurance companies.  When there is less competition, companies are not quite driven to reduce costs…so costs start going up.

Matt:  I see.  Thank goodness there’s not just one company running all insurance…imagine how costs would go out of control if that ever happened!  But is there a way to get more competition going?

President:  One problem is that Health insurance companies can’t compete from one state to another, so that limits how much competition there can be.

Matt:  Why don’t you just let them go ahead and compete in other states?  Is there some reason that wouldn’t be a good idea?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  It’s like if your mom told you that you can only trade marbles with the kids on your street, but not the kids on the next street…because we don’t really know them very well, and they might try to take advantage of you.

Matt:  I don’t care if they’re on the next street.  If some kid there has a marble I like, then I’m going to trade for it.  Wouldn’t you?

President:  Yes, probably.  But there is still a problem with all these insurance companies just making too much money and getting greedy.

Matt:  Yeah, I know what you mean.  Last summer, my friend Johnnie Plunger set up a lemonade stand down the street and was charging 5 bucks for a glass of watered-down lemonade.  That was ridiculous.  He was being greedy, and I went over and told him he shouldn’t be so greedy.  He told me to…well, I better not say what he told me I could do…but I’m not sure if it’s even technically possible.  Anyway, I set up my own lemonade stand and charged 50 cents.  I had a line of customers a block long.  Twelve nano-seconds later, he dropped his price to 50 cents.

President:  Maybe there should be a government rule on the maximum price kids can charge for lemonade?  Say, no higher than a buck a glass?

Matt:  No, sir, I think that would create more confusion, because kids would just keep varying the size of the glass.  I think if you just left us kids to work it out, we’d work it out, trust me.

President:  Perhaps you’re right.  Well, kids, thank you for all your insights on health care issues.  If all of us in Washington were as smart as you, we could solve a lot more problems quicker.  But that would just put all the pundits out of a job.  Have a great day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Continuing coverage from the Health Care Summit between the President and a group of very smart 5th graders.  The next respondent for the class was Rudy Dinglewonk, who took on question two:

Q2.  How can we get insurance for the 30 million people who do not have health insurance?

Rudy:  Well, sir, why exactly don’t these people have insurance?  All the families I know on my block have insurance.  Jimmy Shmellboink had to go to the doctor last week when he sprained his ankle playing Curling on the ice.  His mom told my mom that they had insurance.  If all those millions of people want insurance, why don’t they just go get it?

President:  Well, Rudy, some people are poor and can’t afford to buy insurance.

Rudy:  Why can’t we help the poor people and give them insurance?

President:  We do that already with a program called Medicaid.  It’s a government-run program that helps poor people get health care.

Rudy:  So then if you have Medicaid, why don’t those people just use that?

President:  Well, some people make too much money to be on Medicaid.

Rudy:  If they make too much money, then why don’t they just go buy insurance?

President:  They say they can’t afford it, with all the other expenses and bills that they have to pay for.

Rudy:  Like what kind of expenses and bills?  Is it food, or is it other stuff?

President:  No, they can afford food and other basic necessities.  But with other expenses like cable TV bills, cigarettes, Wii machines, soccer uniforms, Nike Air Jordan shoes, dinners out at Chuck E. Cheese, birthday parties and such…puts a lot of strain on their budgets.  They say that they don’t have any extra money for health insurance.

Rudy:  Couldn’t you just give them some kind of Discount Coupon to help them, so they could go get insurance?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We could expand Medicaid, but unfortunately that’s a pretty inefficient, cumbersome, disorganized, bureaucratic nightmare program already.  Expanding it might make it even more screwed up.

Rudy:  Why don’t you just cancel it if it’s not that good…and go with something that is good?  I know.  I used to buy SuperSlump comics last year, but they started getting real boring, and now I buy AstroClod.  It’s a lot better, and pretty funny, too.

President:  Hey maybe we need an AstroClod makeover in our Medicaid program, Rudy.

Rudy:  I’d say go with something that works.  Don’t try to fix something that’s totally broken.  My little brother tried to fix his bike after it got run over by a pickup truck.  Man, that was a waste of effort.  He kept falling down and busting his head.  Dad finally bought him a new bike for Christmas and we threw that old piece of junk in the garbage can.

President:  Maybe your “Discount Coupon” idea could work.  I suppose we could just apply it to our existing Health insurance companies, and throw Medicaid in the garbage with your brother’s bike.  The insurance companies are not perfect, but you know, overall they work pretty well.

Rudy:  Yeah.  My bike’s not perfect, but I like it.  I wouldn’t want to throw it away.

President:  Let’s move on to question three…

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The President called a Health Care Summit conference at the White House with a select panel of 5th graders who had been contestants on the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”  He did this after coming to the conclusion/realization that a handful of 5th graders were smarter than the entire body of Congress put together, could probably cut through the mumbo jumbo, and develop workable solutions to the health care issue.  The President asked 4 questions for the 5th Graders to deal with.  Little 5th grader Billy Smith responded to the President on the first question:

Q1. How can we cut the cost of Health Care?

Billy:  Mr. President, well, what’s causing costs to go up so much, sir?

President:  Doctors are charging more and more for their services and procedures to help people get better, Billy.

Billy:  Well, why are they charging more and more?

President:  Because their costs keep going up.

Billy:  Why are their costs going up?

President:  Doctors say because Malpractice Insurance cost is rising so fast.

Billy:  What is Mel Crack Diss?

President:  Malpractice, Billy, is when people sue doctors because they think the doctor did something wrong when he was treating them.  They sue them for millions of dollars.  And they get the money because everyone figures it’s just the insurance company that will be paying it.

Billy:  My doctor is a pretty smart man, and a real nice guy.  He’s got 3 kids.  I don’t think he would do anything wrong.

President:  You’re right, Billy.  Almost all doctors are very good doctors and do the right thing.  It’s extremely rare when a doctor is truly negligent.  But still, people keep suing and suing and getting lots of money for it, regardless if the doctor really did something wrong.

Billy:  That doesn’t seem too fair.  If a doctor is trying hard and doing his best, he shouldn’t be punished for that.  I know when I get punished for something like leaving the seat up, and I didn’t do it, I get mad.

President:  Well, the doctor doesn’t really get punished.  It’s the insurance company that pays the tab.

Billy:  But didn’t you say that the insurance company just goes ahead and charges the doctor more money?

President:  Well, yes…

Billy:  Why can’t we stop people from getting lots and lots of money when the doctor didn’t do anything wrong in the first place?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We don’t want to stop people from being able to sue a doctor when he really did something that was grossly negligent.

Billy:  I thought you said that was extremely rare?

President:  Ummm, I did…..I did say that…uh…let’s see.  Well, it’s like this…you see, the lawyers…ummm…the lawyers find out about these cases by hanging around hospitals a lot.  Now the lawyers are very nice people too, you see….ummmm…I tell you what, let’s move on to the next question.

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.