bizarreville

The President made a special trip last weekend to Massachusetts trying to pull all stops in order to avoid losing the critical Ted Kennedy seat in the special election today.  But his personal charm and charisma may not be enough, as Independent voters, exhausted from vomitting over the Reid/Pelosi commode, are switching allegiances by the droves, according to recent polls.

Many liberal pundits have lamented that losing the Kennedy seat will fly in the face of everything Senator Kennedy stood for…collosal bureaucracy, government control over all life functions, and irresponsible spending like drunken sailors out for a joy ride…right at the cusp of having all those dreams really coming true.  They have urged the President to do something, anything.

So the President has been busy trying to find new payola buckets that can be rolled out to the Massachusetts citizens quickly.  “It’s got to be more pragmatic than the Louisiana or Nebraska payoffs,” said an unnamed insider.  “It must be fast cash in the pockets, no fuss, no muss.” 

Insiders say the President, who just met with major bankers last week to shake them down for paying employees enormous bonuses, may have secretly launched a landmark deal.  In the deal, registered Independent voters will be emailed a special password today that will allow them to go to any Massachusetts ATM and withdraw up to $1000 free cash…today before 7pm only.   The four largest banks will foot the bill as a penance for just too much bonus greed, accounting tom-foolery, and general poor eating habits and farting at the table.

Sources say that the Independent Free Cash program will clearly demonstrate to voters that they, the Democrats, are the party of freebies, benny’s, and other good stuff on silver platters.  Privately, they acknowledge that many Independents will eventually understand the fallacy in all this.  But they are banking on the 1-day euphoria factor to get through the special election before they think it all the way through.  The nice new 46-inch flat screen TV on their credenza might help with their internal struggles, as well.

A Republican party spokesman was asked to comment on the proposed Free Cash program, and just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots.”  A bank CEO who had been listening-in said, “I’ll second that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Taking a page out of the Al Qaeda playbook, Democratic leaders were able to successfully convince several senators to suicide bomb their careers by voting Yes on the Health Care bill.  These were senators whose home state constituents were overwhelmingly opposed to the bill, and who initially indicated that they would vote against it.  But, by using proven Al Qaeda-type brainwashing techniques learned during interrogations at Gitmo, the Dem leadership persuaded them convert to their way of thinking, and got them to agree to be thrown under the bus, careerwise.

But it did not come without cost.  Each trans-voter was promised 19 virgins who will be at their beck and call in their senate afterlife.  At the senator’s choice, they can be male, female, or a mix of both.  The virgins will be commissioned to satisfy any of the senators’ wild fantasies, some of which are expected to be quite bizarre.   Requisions for pudding-like food substances, pogo sticks, cases of lard, and air horns are among the items that have surfaced thus far in the negotiating process.

Some other senators have raised objections to the virgin handouts scheme.  They have cited that they have been dependable/reliable voters, toeing the party line, but are not being given these kind of perqs.  In fact, they say they get very little supplemental recognition, complaining that leaders are taking them for granted, and their votes for granted, just because they have no independent thought.  Dem leaders have responded that there is no truth to the charge, and assures them that there will be ‘severe repercussions’ if they ever get out of line.  “I think that proves we don’t take them for granted.”

Leaders are, however, considering throwing a bone to the steady-eddie senators.  “Maybe we’ll give them each a virgin or two to shut ’em up.”

Meanwhile, the soon-to-be-ex-senators are starting to announce resignation plans before the 2010 election process commences.  Their new lame duck status will allow them to totally disengage from senate activities, be able to spend time designing and building their new virgin playrooms, and most importantly, load up on ED meds.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

With Democratic members of Congress nestled tightly behind locked doors debating/negotiating final language in the upcoming Health Care bill, the public has been left wondering what monstrosity-from-the-deep will emerge.  Pundits have questioned why the process has been so secretive, particularly when the President promised that the negotiations would be transparent, with cspan television coverage.  Some in Bizarreville are saying this is yet another broken campaign promise, and the latest in the 2010 Misrepresentation Olympics.

A White House spokesman met with reporters yesterday and said that, yes, the President misspoke when he said it would be transparent.  He meant to say “translucent”, an easy and forgivable mistake for someone to make who is not an optical scientist.  The President apparently always gets the two words confused.  He said that the meetings are indeed translucent in that people know there that there are some people moving, shuffling, and fumbling around in the room, but they just can’t see what their doing or saying.  But, he said, you can probably guess that it has something to do with adding layers of bureaucracy, and piling up costs to fix something that isn’t broke…duh.

Reporters questioned why the meetings weren’t being covered by cspan, as the President had promised.  The spokesman indicated that cspan had brought in cameras and put on special frosted-glass type lenses to get the translucent effect…even had a few Aides watch it and comment.  “The picture was very blurry and just did not seem to be very effective,” he said.  “Plus, not having any audio made the whole thing seem like you were just watching a TV test pattern.”  Congress people had considered taking off the frosty lenses in order to have a clearer picture.  But it showed just a little too much intimate detail… a lot of touching, scratching, and pants dropping, that might not be considered appropriate for their PG-level viewership.

The spokesman said that the President is committed to having high levels of translucency in all policy matters during his administration.  “You might not be able to see the details, but you’ll know something is happening.  And that is what change is all about.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they are real.

Bumco Motivational Tools Inc has just launched its new line of hydraulically-operated motivational tools, specifically targeted to help citizens motivate their stubborn legislators who refuse to vote their constituency.  With more and more legislators choosing to be total ignoramuses on bills like the Health Care bill, Bumco feels the market for these new tools could explode.  They see expansion of the whole product line, including their high-performance “Wake Up Call” face slapper, and their classic “Anal Redriller”.

The Inept-o-vator 9000 has a number of new features, including a new special “Wanker” setting which can deliver 70 boots per minute to the new breed of pesky stubborn spacetakers who just won’t respond to the subtle approach.

Liberal critics point out that the Bumco tools are dangerous and have been known to create permanent physical damage to some unfortunate legislators.  But Bumco officials are quick to point out that when used properly, there will normally be no permanent damage unless the legislator continually refuses to heed the will of his/her people.  Bumco also points out that there have been rare cases when citizens have mispositioned their legislators on the unit, causing certain sterility issues.  And, bruising can happen if the targeted legislator has not yet developed sufficient ass lard.  So, the company has issued new operating instructions with pictures that “even a congressman could understand.

Bumco offers a satisfaction guarantee warranty that its products will provide proper motivation to even the thickest of the thick-skulled meat-heads.  Rather than money returns, Bumco promises to send out a team of technicians to properly set tool parameters and/or bring other Bumco Motivational Tools to the scene.  The bottom line, according to the company, is to get the job done.

A new, venture-capital financed startup is emerging on the scene to take full advantage of the new Bizarreville Health Care program – Placebo Brothers Medi-quirk (PBM).  The company will focus on development and marketing of new/better placebos which will be sold stand-alone, and also mixed in with generic drugs to reduce the cost of an average 30-day prescription.

Elmer Squirp, Marketing Director for PBM, says that studies have shown that most patients can’t tell the difference between real medicine and placebos.  Sprinkling in 25 to 30 percent placebos into a prescription will be unnoticable to Joe Average out there because the placebos will look and taste like the real thing.  Squirp says, sure Mr. Average may take a day or two longer to get over his ailment…but what’s the diff?  Furthermore, the placebos will allow the body’s own natural defense mechanisms to better kick-in, to attack the problem.

Squirp went on to say that the PBM principals presented their intriguing proposition to a group of elite liberal senators who promptly fell in love with the concept, and diverted a quick billion of stimulus funds to finance the venture.  “They told us this fits right in with the new government-run Health Care program, and helps reduce the multi-trillion dollar deficit that the Health Care program will be creating.”  The placebo program will also be properly rubbed in the noses of the prima-donna brand name drug companies and their high and mighty arrogance.  Squirp said that the Era of the Brand Name Drug, with their high-cost, smoke and mirror research and development mumbo jumbo, is quickly coming to an end.  PBM will be there to fill in the pill gap, so that the country will not run out of pills to take.

Critics say that this is yet another example of the “dumbing down” of the world’s greatest health care system, and turning it into a system that any 3rd world country would be proud of.  But PBM officials reply that patients are already dumb, they don’t read the labels or check out the side-effects on the Internet sites…they just pop the pills, brainlessly.

Meanwhile, the new PBM Marketing department is busy combing through 19th century advertisements for various snake oils and magic elixers, the golden age of chicanery.  They plan to roll out a separate product line of placebos touting it can ‘cure all ills of mankind, invigorate the soul, and reduce gas pressure’.  PBM expects to roll out the new line, tentatively called ‘Shmunx’, by Spring 2010.

A new book has been released by Bizarreville Press authored by Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, describing his painstaking journey from a career as a prestigious politician to a cheap skanky prostitute.  It is a career shift that few, if any, have made…and certainly no one has done it quite like Ben.  It’s great reading for the whole family and a lesson to the youngsters out there:  anything is truly possible if you have the will, a will that can overcome stupid things like scruples.

Many people are shocked and amazed that he would make such a change.  Others are amazed that anyone would pay for his services…whatever services those might be.  The intriguing story points out that the lives of politicians and prostitutes are not that much different from each other…both entailing much back-scratching, butt-scratching, and sucking…lots of sucking.  “You get what you pay for” is a theme that threads its way through the book, suggesting a thick wallet is the key to achieving high aspirations and/or getting a good ride.

The author points out that people make choices, and some of those choices can be difficult.  He brings in his personal experience voting for the Health Care Plan as one of the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life.  Nelson admits that he knew that the Plan was pure malarky, destined to literally destroy the world’s greatest health system.  Furthermore, he clearly understood that it would bankrupt the country’s financial system, already rocketing down the highway on a crash course.  He acknowledges that his constituents back in Nebraska overwhelmingly disapproved of the stupid Plan, and showered him with emails and phone calls, suggesting he might want to consider the bizarre concept of actually representing his people.  “But, man, when they brought in those exotic dancing girls who just kept pouring me great Champagne and tickling me with those feathery things…well, it made me realize we must live for today…just like the song…don’t worry about tomorrow.  It was one of those epiphany moments.”

The book concludes that sometimes Leaders must make tough decisions, ignoring their instincts, dismissing hard facts, pushing aside advice from trusted colleagues, and totally blowing-off the will of the people.  “That’s why they pay us the big bucks…as the old cliche goes.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that sound like they could really be true.

B-Mart, Bizarreville’s largest discount chain, unveiled a new exciting strategy yesterday – its plans for entry into the primary medical care business.  Company spokesmen indicated it fits extremely well with the new government health care program, which will be seeking high-volume, quickie-care providers to displace the soon-to-be-obsolete model of slower deliberate medical care.

B-Mart is particularly well-suited to this new model of care.  The company built its enormous business on providing cheap consumer crap to the masses.  “This is exactly what the new health system will be wanting…especially when demand skyrockets as whiney hordes want their noses wiped, just as more and more “conventional” doctors bolt and retire.  Someone needs to fill the void, and it might as well be us.”

B-Mart plans to displace their underperforming Auto Parts department with this new, fast-growth department.  “Who buys their own oil filters anymore?  Go to Jiffy Lube.”

B-Mart’s creative engineering team has come up with an innovative moving sidewalk approach to maximize patient throughput.  The people mover will be similar to what one might see at some airports today.  Patients will jump on board, and travel from station to station:

– Patient will swipe their credit card at the start, and punch the ailment button from a menu choice

– At the first station, vitals will be checked by an octogenarian quasi-nurse, just promoted from the Greeter job, and given an official looking nurse hat.

– Next station: urine test station, which may get a little tricky and will require some degree of coordination and dexterity to prevent making a disgusting mess.

– Pass through a combination x-ray/CAT scan machine for a quick flash.  The pictures are never developed nor used, but it gives the patient the confidence that something real is happening.

– A real doctor (not necessarily the brightest bulb in the fixture, but one who does have a bonefide shingle) will do what real doctors do:  look down your throat and ears, ask you to cough, thump a few things, then write down a lot of blurbage on a record of some sort.  If time permits, the doc may ask you what specifically your problem is, but this information is not critical to the overall process.

– An automated shot dispenser gives you one in the hiney of some predetermined concoction of goop.  Meanwhile an automatic printer spits out a fresh prescription for you to take over to the Rx counter.

B-Mart thinks they will revolutionize meatball health care just like they revolutionized mass junk retail.  They are thinking an introductory price would be $9.95 per visit…and that cost may even be picked up by the government in the Public Option.  Clearly, innovation is back in full swing at B-Mart and they are ready for the next wave of mass customers.

Reports are surfacing of much sinister deal-making by Leaders squirming to get votes to pass the new Bizarreville Health Care program. It’s going to be a close vote, so they’re exercising their creativity like never before.

Allegedly, leaders promised one lawmaker that his district would get funding for an all-new theme park if he voted YES on the bill.  The park would create thousands of new jobs.  When Leaders were challenged about this shenanigan, the Whip explained it would be a “Medical Theme” theme park with roller coasters that look like giant arteries and coaster cars outfitted to look like clots.  There would be simulators that take riders on exciting, adventurous trips up the human bowel.  “It would be an educational experience like no other for the kids, and a perfect fit with the intent of the proposed Health Care bill to better educate the public,” said the Leaders.

Another lawmaker was wavering on his vote, so Leaders threw him a bone…funding to rebuild each and every highway in his district.  The decision was rationalized by saying those potholes and rough roads were creating teeth-jarring impacts on backs and spinal columns, running up health costs for the citizenry.  Fixing the roads and reducing these costs would greatly help pay for the huge bureaucracy that would be necessary to drive the whole program.  The Lawmaker tried to hold out for all concrete roads, but reluctantly settled on some asphalt in the final negotiated deal.

A 3rd lawmaker, Ernest Drooper, wanted his back scratched at least as much as those other two.  Drooper and the Leaders wrestled through several negotiating sessions to delve into what greasing-of-the-skids would be needed to change his vote.  Finally, they agreed to build a modest-size pharmaceutical research laboratory focused on eliminating corns on baby toes…apparently a huge problem among his constituents.  The Corn Toe Lab will break ground early next year.

So, it’s looking like the Health Care bill is getting the bolstering it needs for passage.  There could be some additional vote leakage as word gets out of the flim-flamming going on, and other lawmakers demand their fair share of beak-wetting.  But Leaders plan to hurry the bill through, while Pandora’s box is still partially closed.

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

As the health care debate continued in Bizarreville, the discussion eventually turned to Tort Reform.  Truth is, the people of Bizarreville were definitely sue-happy…it was almost an official pastime where the mayor would throw out the first whiffle ball at the opening of sue season.  Seems everybody would look for any excuse to sue their friend, neighbor, or (especially) doctor in order to get something for nothing:  “Why work and slave when you can just sue your buddy, get a rich out-of-court settlement, and kick back on the back porch with with a pitcher of margaritas?”  Made sense.

But, in spite of this seemingly ideal state of things, there was a semi-lunatic fringe element bellowing about how all this was causing Health Care costs to skyrocket.  Malpractice insurance was getting so high that many doctors just said Screw It, and bailed.  One doctor got sued for $1 million because some lady’s hang nail got infected, causing her months and months of mental anguish.  The doctor replied, “I was treating you for a swollen ankle!”  But the lady said, “You should have noticed the hang nail.  That’s the trouble with you so-called ‘specialists’.”

The Legislators tried to put an Amendment on the Health Care bill to place limits on malpractice claims, which also included strict guidelines on what was/wasn’t covered.  It would no longer recognize pain/suffering claims, would limit coverage to out-of-pocket expenses, and put strong burden of proof on the claimant to show cause that a case was truly malpractice.  It would save hundreds of gazillions of dollars in phony baloney claims and bogus legal proceedings.

The legal lobby strongly objected.  The powerful Ambulance Chasers International (ACI) decried that this would give doctors free-rein to run rough-shod over our poor patients, do slip-shod meatball surgery at will, forget to take the forceps out of grammaw’s tummy after her gall bladder-ectomy.  They rolled-in poor Mr. Shlumbunk to the hearing who had gone to the hospital for a skin irritation, and ended up mistakenly getting his full package cut off by some renegade doctor, whose only comment was: “Ooops”. 

“Patients need to have recourse on these mavericks.”  And there were boatloads of hound dog lawyers ready to sniff out any crevice to make a case.  And sniff they did.  Sniff, sniff, sniff…

Meanwhile, the Doctors were appalled by these ACI loudmouth charges, and sued the lawyers over defamation of character.  But they couldn’t get any lawyers to try their case, so they filed another suit about restraint of trade/monopolistic practices.  The lawyers counter-sued when the doctors threatened: “Yeah, well, in the unlikely event that you can find an MD who will treat you, better be prepared for a full body cavity examination.”  Ouch.

The Legislators dropped Tort Reform amendments.  They realized that suing each other was just too central to the Bizarreville culture.  Plus, the lawyers were such great contributors to their political campaigns…much better than those stingy old penny-pinching doctors who threw quarters around like they were manhole covers.