bizarreville

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House.  Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need.  One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker.  Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer.  Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way.  Pretty sweet…”

Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd.  Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson.  Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary.  They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.

But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts.  Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection.  They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement.  These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.

Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington.  Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bizarreville reporters have been able to get the inside scoop to help us all better understand Rahm Emanuel’s new shower strategy to pressure various Dems to vote for the President’s liberaloski agenda.  Many pundits had previously thought the shower thing was kind of yang showdown…but further investigation uncovered certain technical problems that made that approach non-feasible.

No, Emanuel is instead trying to break down the shyness barrier that is so prevalent in the country, so that people get more used to the idea of communal showers and public baths.  “After all,” Emanuel said, ” it was commonplace in Roman times for citizens to get naked together, bathe with each other, and wash each others’ private parts.  Why, two thousand years later, are we so nakedophobic now?”

Communal bathing is a key cornerstone in his future vision for the country.  He considers people who have enormous master bathrooms and homes with multiple private toilets as “greedy crappers”.  He has mentioned several times that he converted 3 bathrooms in his own home into small apartments for his in-laws, and replaced one small toilet in the remaining head with a communal trough for multi-users.  Rahm points out that his family saves 2000 gallons of water per year by these buddy-up conservation measures.

For smirkers, Emanuel responds that his setup will be the model for the future, when water rationing becomes law…probably in Obama’s second term.  Meanwhile, he understands that some congressmen will complain about his jaybird strategy.  Female congresspeople could not be reached for comment.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Doctors across Bizarreville were surprised and shocked that the AMA came out in favor of Obamacare.  They asked how can this be true when 90% of doctors are totally opposed to this belligerent, radical takeover of the Health Care industry?  Many doctors are claiming they will retire when/if this nightmare comes true.  They are puzzled that the AMA somehow “doesn’t get it”, or has chosen to flip the bird to the people they represent.

The truth behind this story has been discovered.  Our investigative reporters have dug deep into the bowels of this issue, and found the facts.  Turns out, the members of the AMA Leadership Council were held up at gunpoint several weeks ago, while taking a casual stroll along the Potomac.  A masked man wearing an “Obama loves me” wife-beater shirt and smelling like a Liberal accosted them, threatening to take their $75 million funding away if they didn’t play ball.  One of the leaders became outraged and screamed ‘No way, Jose’….and he was promptly shot.  Luckily the assailant’s gun was a squirt gun, and he was shot with 12 ounces of horse piss.  But it ruined his suit, and the event was enough to terrorize the other wimpified AMA Leaders into blubbering a tacit acceptance of the gunman’s demands.

Even the sprayed doctor agreed to play ball after considering that the Obamacare thug might visit his personal home and spray his whole family, his Beemer, and his cigar humidor.  “You think it’s funny,” the sprayee cried.  “But let me tell you, that horse piss is nasty stuff and hard to wash off.  I can still smell it on that suit…had it dry cleaned twice and it still wreaks like formeldehyde or monofrodian moxolate….ugghhh!  Probably will have to give it to Goodwill.”

Many doctors across the land have pledged to drop their horse piss-tainted AMA membership in response to this weak-kneedness to stand up and fight for them.  “Hey, I’ll buy the doc a freaking suit,” one doctor yelled in anger.  When asked if he would be willing to buy the guy’s Beemer, however, he responded, “Probably not.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Continuing coverage of the President’s Health care summit with 5th graders.  Next up for the class is Matt Burpmore:

Q4. How can we make the Health insurance companies themselves more efficient so that insurance costs can come down for the people?

Matt:  Why are the health insurance companies inefficient now?

President:  Part of the problem, Matt, is that there’s not enough competition among the health insurance companies.  When there is less competition, companies are not quite driven to reduce costs…so costs start going up.

Matt:  I see.  Thank goodness there’s not just one company running all insurance…imagine how costs would go out of control if that ever happened!  But is there a way to get more competition going?

President:  One problem is that Health insurance companies can’t compete from one state to another, so that limits how much competition there can be.

Matt:  Why don’t you just let them go ahead and compete in other states?  Is there some reason that wouldn’t be a good idea?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  It’s like if your mom told you that you can only trade marbles with the kids on your street, but not the kids on the next street…because we don’t really know them very well, and they might try to take advantage of you.

Matt:  I don’t care if they’re on the next street.  If some kid there has a marble I like, then I’m going to trade for it.  Wouldn’t you?

President:  Yes, probably.  But there is still a problem with all these insurance companies just making too much money and getting greedy.

Matt:  Yeah, I know what you mean.  Last summer, my friend Johnnie Plunger set up a lemonade stand down the street and was charging 5 bucks for a glass of watered-down lemonade.  That was ridiculous.  He was being greedy, and I went over and told him he shouldn’t be so greedy.  He told me to…well, I better not say what he told me I could do…but I’m not sure if it’s even technically possible.  Anyway, I set up my own lemonade stand and charged 50 cents.  I had a line of customers a block long.  Twelve nano-seconds later, he dropped his price to 50 cents.

President:  Maybe there should be a government rule on the maximum price kids can charge for lemonade?  Say, no higher than a buck a glass?

Matt:  No, sir, I think that would create more confusion, because kids would just keep varying the size of the glass.  I think if you just left us kids to work it out, we’d work it out, trust me.

President:  Perhaps you’re right.  Well, kids, thank you for all your insights on health care issues.  If all of us in Washington were as smart as you, we could solve a lot more problems quicker.  But that would just put all the pundits out of a job.  Have a great day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Continuing coverage from the Health Care Summit between the President and a group of very smart 5th graders.  The next respondent for the class was Rudy Dinglewonk, who took on question two:

Q2.  How can we get insurance for the 30 million people who do not have health insurance?

Rudy:  Well, sir, why exactly don’t these people have insurance?  All the families I know on my block have insurance.  Jimmy Shmellboink had to go to the doctor last week when he sprained his ankle playing Curling on the ice.  His mom told my mom that they had insurance.  If all those millions of people want insurance, why don’t they just go get it?

President:  Well, Rudy, some people are poor and can’t afford to buy insurance.

Rudy:  Why can’t we help the poor people and give them insurance?

President:  We do that already with a program called Medicaid.  It’s a government-run program that helps poor people get health care.

Rudy:  So then if you have Medicaid, why don’t those people just use that?

President:  Well, some people make too much money to be on Medicaid.

Rudy:  If they make too much money, then why don’t they just go buy insurance?

President:  They say they can’t afford it, with all the other expenses and bills that they have to pay for.

Rudy:  Like what kind of expenses and bills?  Is it food, or is it other stuff?

President:  No, they can afford food and other basic necessities.  But with other expenses like cable TV bills, cigarettes, Wii machines, soccer uniforms, Nike Air Jordan shoes, dinners out at Chuck E. Cheese, birthday parties and such…puts a lot of strain on their budgets.  They say that they don’t have any extra money for health insurance.

Rudy:  Couldn’t you just give them some kind of Discount Coupon to help them, so they could go get insurance?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We could expand Medicaid, but unfortunately that’s a pretty inefficient, cumbersome, disorganized, bureaucratic nightmare program already.  Expanding it might make it even more screwed up.

Rudy:  Why don’t you just cancel it if it’s not that good…and go with something that is good?  I know.  I used to buy SuperSlump comics last year, but they started getting real boring, and now I buy AstroClod.  It’s a lot better, and pretty funny, too.

President:  Hey maybe we need an AstroClod makeover in our Medicaid program, Rudy.

Rudy:  I’d say go with something that works.  Don’t try to fix something that’s totally broken.  My little brother tried to fix his bike after it got run over by a pickup truck.  Man, that was a waste of effort.  He kept falling down and busting his head.  Dad finally bought him a new bike for Christmas and we threw that old piece of junk in the garbage can.

President:  Maybe your “Discount Coupon” idea could work.  I suppose we could just apply it to our existing Health insurance companies, and throw Medicaid in the garbage with your brother’s bike.  The insurance companies are not perfect, but you know, overall they work pretty well.

Rudy:  Yeah.  My bike’s not perfect, but I like it.  I wouldn’t want to throw it away.

President:  Let’s move on to question three…

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The President called a Health Care Summit conference at the White House with a select panel of 5th graders who had been contestants on the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”  He did this after coming to the conclusion/realization that a handful of 5th graders were smarter than the entire body of Congress put together, could probably cut through the mumbo jumbo, and develop workable solutions to the health care issue.  The President asked 4 questions for the 5th Graders to deal with.  Little 5th grader Billy Smith responded to the President on the first question:

Q1. How can we cut the cost of Health Care?

Billy:  Mr. President, well, what’s causing costs to go up so much, sir?

President:  Doctors are charging more and more for their services and procedures to help people get better, Billy.

Billy:  Well, why are they charging more and more?

President:  Because their costs keep going up.

Billy:  Why are their costs going up?

President:  Doctors say because Malpractice Insurance cost is rising so fast.

Billy:  What is Mel Crack Diss?

President:  Malpractice, Billy, is when people sue doctors because they think the doctor did something wrong when he was treating them.  They sue them for millions of dollars.  And they get the money because everyone figures it’s just the insurance company that will be paying it.

Billy:  My doctor is a pretty smart man, and a real nice guy.  He’s got 3 kids.  I don’t think he would do anything wrong.

President:  You’re right, Billy.  Almost all doctors are very good doctors and do the right thing.  It’s extremely rare when a doctor is truly negligent.  But still, people keep suing and suing and getting lots of money for it, regardless if the doctor really did something wrong.

Billy:  That doesn’t seem too fair.  If a doctor is trying hard and doing his best, he shouldn’t be punished for that.  I know when I get punished for something like leaving the seat up, and I didn’t do it, I get mad.

President:  Well, the doctor doesn’t really get punished.  It’s the insurance company that pays the tab.

Billy:  But didn’t you say that the insurance company just goes ahead and charges the doctor more money?

President:  Well, yes…

Billy:  Why can’t we stop people from getting lots and lots of money when the doctor didn’t do anything wrong in the first place?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We don’t want to stop people from being able to sue a doctor when he really did something that was grossly negligent.

Billy:  I thought you said that was extremely rare?

President:  Ummm, I did…..I did say that…uh…let’s see.  Well, it’s like this…you see, the lawyers…ummm…the lawyers find out about these cases by hanging around hospitals a lot.  Now the lawyers are very nice people too, you see….ummmm…I tell you what, let’s move on to the next question.

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

Senator Evan Bayh from Indiana announced his plans to retire from the Senate, sending a shock wave across the Democratic side of the aisle.  At one time he was a formidable presidential candidate, and on a short list of contenders for Obama’s VP slot.  But his biggest flaw was that he was the voice of reason and common sense, traits that simply could not be tolerated, nor reconciled with the Giga-Lib agenda.

Bayh said that he was sick and tired of sucking up to the knuckleheads on the Left, whom he claims “seem to have left the Planet Earth to explore brave new worlds”.  He indicated he is also fed up with the chicken s#!# in the Senate when just trying to do simple stuff.  “You need to schedule a caucus to cut a fart around here.”

The crowning blow was when he decided to vote for the whacky Obamacare health bill, against his better judgement and intuition…then found himself vomitting over the stool later that evening.  He said it reminded him of the time he drank a quart of Ripple wine followed by a quart of Schlitz Malt Liquor while back in college. 

But he also said that the nonsense about Cap & Tax, the faux Jobs bill, and the secret plans to takeover the Breakfast Cereal industry…supposedly because Corn Flakes just aren’t crunchy enough anymore… was more than Bayh could take.  “Does this kookiness ever have an end?” Bayh questioned, rhetorically.

Bayh also indicated that he had seen a doctor who had diagnosed him with Demagogue Fatigue Syndrome.  This is a little known affliction which can crop up when a politician has just heard enough BS to the point his ears start to turn brown.  The only cure is to get far away from Washington, DC.

Democratic party leadership had no official comment beyond saying that he was whole on his coffee dues, and always paid his Super Bowl office pool bets on time.  But privately, Dem insiders said that they look forward to putting forth a first-class candidate, Oliver Spunkle.  Spunkle is a professor who teaches Marxism and Crocheting at Indiana University, is a staunch vegetarian, has never held a real job, and still wets the bed.  “We think Indiana voters will vote for him because of his affiliation with IU and because he had played basketball at his small-town Indiana high school,” the insider commented.

Opponents point out that Spunkle played on a team that went 0-20 his senior year, only had 6 players on the whole team, and Spunkle rode the bench.  But of course that was before he became a vegetarian.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The President announced that he has scheduled a meeting with Republicans in Congress to air out their ideas on health reform.  He also indicated that he will be using the newly released Bumco “Deaf Ear Listener” unit during the meeting to help get him through the meeting he described as “potentially excuciatingly boring and anti-productive”.

The Deaf Ear Listener(DEL) is an innovative new product that appears to be ideal for Democrats in government.  It is a very small unit that fits snugly in each ear, camouflaged to look like excess ear wax buildup.  The DEL effectively blocks the wearer from hearing any external sound, while a small chip inside the unit gently plays “The Best of Bread” songs inside his/her ears.  It just came out and sells for $59.95 a set, but there is already a hefty order backlog.

Inside sources say that the President will maintain a pensive, thoughtful look on his face to make it look like he is actually listening to the Republicans.  A reporter asked about what the President will do if someone asks him a question.  “Simple,” the White House spokesman replied.  “He will just give some canned response that will have nothing whatsoever to do with the question asked…basically just like he does now.  It is doubtful that anyone will know the difference.”

The insider said it is important for it to look like the President is listening to contrary ideas, especially in front of cameras.  “But at the same time, all that squealling and chattering could potentially stress the President out…may even cause him to lose his appetite at dinner.  The DEL is an excellent choice to protect his health and well-being.  More American ingenuity at work!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers.  He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves.  “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President.  “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes.  You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service.  “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama.  “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague.  The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats.  Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet.  “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people.  But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens.  “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said.  “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome.  But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls.  For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything.  But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way.  I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues.  “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Many of the obscure cable networks are licking their chops at what could be a major, major ratings opportunity for them tonight.  Programming chiefs are scurring to rearrange schedules and poring through their archives to find and offer their best programming material for this once-in-a-blue-moon special night.

The excitement began to brew when recent polls were released showing that a record number of people would NOT be watching the President’s State of the Union diatribe tonight.  Viewership could reach the lowest level since the Eisenhower administration.  Citizens who participated in Focus Group interviews showed frustration bordering on exasperation with the government’s ineptitude when it comes to listening to the voices of people on the major issues of the day:  jobs, economy, jobs, health care, and jobs.  Respondents said, “If these candy-asses won’t listen to us, then we won’t listen to them.  Bring on the Animal Planet’s Greatest Hits.  Bring on Paula Dean to give us a primer on the use of butter.  Bring on that thrill-packed basketball match between WhoCares College and Bum F*$#!  University.”

With all the major networks and many news-oriented cable networks committed to covering the boring State of the Union speech, the even boring-er Republican response, and the epitome of boring Talking Head analysis of what was just said, tens of millions of TV watchers will be power-pushing the remote button to find something, anything that would have just a modicum of interest.

Many obscure cable networks have sent emergency emails to their advertisers informing them that ad rates will be going up by 50% or more during this 2-hour time slot…almost like their version of SuperBowl Sunday.  Not surprisingly, the networks have said they have gotten very little pushback on this hike.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.