August 28th, 2012
Senate candidate accosted
An aspiring Senate candidate was accosted yesterday by a gang of unhappy fellow party members, disgruntled over the nominee’s refusal to drop out of the Senate race after making some legendary stupid comments about rape and abortion. The candidate was reportedly hospitalized to treat various brutal insertions into bodily cavities, and for some psychological treatment for trauma. He is expected to recover in time for the Fall election.
One question asked by a television reporter, after hearing about this attack, was whether the act was going to be considered legitimate rape or illegitimate rape. Rape experts have been sought to help answer the question, but they have said that precedent is not clear on this type of personal violation. If the act had been done by opposing party members, the experts believe that it would have most certainly be classified as “legitimate”. But since it was done by people from his own party, they say that it is most likely going to be considered illegitmate rape, thereby carrying much less punitive sanctions, perhaps merely a hand slap and a stern lecture from a social worker.
The candidate has responded that, while he may be walking funny for the next few weeks, he plans to stay the course in his Senatorial bid. Public outcry has suggested that this will provide a landslide win for his opponent, who is already the incumbent. The candidate admitted that he misspoke in the interview, and that he was fairly ignorant on the subject…but that in no way should ignorance disqualify him from being in the Senate. Many agree.
Asked how he will physically cope with the tough demands of campaigning, he answered that doctors have told him that the male body has ways to shut down this kind of pain. He said he expects to be dancing the Charleston by October.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.
