September 28th, 2010
Survey: Fat people don’t read calorie signs
A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets. The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.
Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers. “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo. “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King. Durrrrr.”
The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation. Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit. Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason. “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said. “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control. If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”
Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable. “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee. “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.
