bizarreville

Executives from Goldman Sachs were on Capitol Hill today, answering questions to a Senate subcommittee probing the events leading to the charge of fraudulent behavior during the recent financial crisis.  In particular, Goldman had allegedly loaded up on hedge funds shorting the housing market, while peddling clients mortgage backed securities containing toxic mortgage loans.  Lloyd Blankmind, CEO of the firm, was thoroughly grilled by the Senators for selling securities to unsuspecting customers that were “shitty”.  But Mr. Blankmind denied any wrongdoing saying that Goldman deals in shitty deals all the time, some much shittier than others, and some deals that are so shitty that flies won’t go near it.  He explained that’s what being an investment house is all about…sweet deals, and deals that are pure crap.  “If you want something in between, either go to your local First Bumf#*k  Bank or stuff your cash inside the mattress.  If you are a gutless cheeseball, we don’t want to do business with you here.  Off you go.  Sayonara.  Have a nice day.”

Several other Goldman executives were questioned, including trader Fabreeze Doorag who stated he had done nothing wrong whatsoever.  But when Senators asked whether he would take his own hard-earned money and put it into one of Goldman’s flaky investment portfolios, he said hell no.  He started laughing uncontrollably, then started coughing and choking, and had to be ushered out of the Committee room.  It appeared he may have peed his pants.

The Senate committeemembers were stunned by this arrogant attitude, and finally called Mr. Blankmind back to the microphone with hopes of an apology or at least explanation of the rude, disrespectful behavior of his people.  But, unfortunately, the green chile jalapeno taco salad Blankmind had wolfed down for lunch kicked-in as he approached the microphone, and moments later the hazmat squad donning Scott air-packs was in the chamber fumigating the place.  One beligerent senator tried to stick it out, refusing to leave the room until he got a response from Blankmind.  But he was eventually overcome, and had to be carried out by two colleagues.

The committee had originally planned to reconvene with more in-depth questioning tomorrow, but toxicologists warned members to stay out of the room for at least 48 hours, or until the litmus paper test no longer turns brown.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that you’d swear are true.