bizarreville

…You people with jobs need to pay more of your Fair Share of taxes.  I’m tired of arguing with you, and really tired of you and your Tea Party buddies whining about paying more tax.  “Pay up, Shut up” is gonna be my new slogan.  Pay up, shut up.  You don’t seem to grasp that we have a recession going on.  No, no, you don’t.  And most of you in this room have jobs.  Am I right?  Well, you job-people need to help the non-job and the sub-job portions of our population.  You need to step up to your responsibilities to pay…yes, sometimes paying out the fabled ying yang…to get this debt under control.

You, over there.  You with the salmon-colored polo shirt.  You have a job, right?  Right.  And how much do you figure you pay in taxes, percentage-wise?  Forty-two percent…is that what you said?  42 lousy percent.  That means you’re taking way over half of your wages home with you every paycheck.  I’m guessing your blowing it on food, beer, a fancy shmancy house in the burbs, polos shirts for every person in your family…Nike shoes, right?  Not Bilford Athletic Econo-shoes…no, sir.  Nike.  Are you expecting the rest of the country to get by with Bilfords?  Is it fair that your kids can wear Nikes, but the bum’s kid out there on the street gets stuck with Bilfords?  Is that the kind of country we want to be…one with an ever-widening shoe gap?  Is it??

Pay up, shut up.  Fork over a few more measly dollars so that no one has to wear Bilfords unless they choose to.  Let’s erase that stigma from our society.

You know, you may find yourself needing help some day.  That’s right.  None of us are immune from the so-called green weenie, the axeman, the Chain-saw Al, the Neutron Jack, the pink slip.  I’ll bet a lot of you don’t have 2 cents in a savings account, living paycheck to paycheck, bar tab to bar tab.  You may well find yourself destitute and looking for someone to sponge off of one day.  That’s when you’ll see it all from the other side.  That’s when you’ll be saying Pay up, Shut up along with me.  You…you in the back row, nodding…yeah, you know what I mean.  Pay up, shut up doesn’t sound so bad, does it?  Exactly.  Why wait for it to happen?  Join us now, see the future.  Your future.  Let’s all say it together…Pay up, shut up, pay up, shut up, Pay Up, Shut Up, PAY UP, SHUT UP…that’s right…PAY UP, SHUT UP…now we’re talking.

My friends, trust me when I say that you will all feel better by just paying a little more.  You will have an enormous wave of self-satisfaction sweep over you as you realize your taxes are helping so many people live a better life.  You’ll take great joy as you see a raggety old bum shuffle into a Starbucks for a free cup of latte, perhaps for the first time ever.  You’ll get a tingle when you see an obese lady able to buy a grocery cart load of National brand potato chips with her food stamps.  You’ll have a sense of satisfaction watching 10 government-subsidized workers filling a pothole on Main Street, knowing that each will be bringing home a paycheck to momma.  And it’s all because you Paid Up and Shut up.  Join us.

Good night, friends.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including town hall secret tapings.

Welcome to Presidential Idol.  Well, we’re down to 5 contestants who YOU have selected to become the next Presidential Idol.  Let’s get right to it.  First up to sing tonight for your votes is Barack Obama…

Will grab a hold of you…yeah.

Hold it, hold it, hold on, Dog (ha, ha, ha).  Listen, now I need to make this real, you know what I mean.  I’m not totally sure what KEY you were singing in…was that key even in the musical scale?  Whoa!  Think it was in the key of “J” or something.  Got a call from the Chairman of Karaoke International and he said Stay Away, Stay far far away, brother.  Anyway, even though you can’t hold a note, and the lyrics were askew from what the writer had written…despite all that…you know what?  I kinda liked it.  Yeah.  And you have a fan base out there, pretty good-sized fan base of tone-deaf groupies, that seem to love your quirky, pitchy, gravelly, off-beat kind of singing.  They lap it up like a pack of camels after a desert safari, dude.  So, guess what?  We’re putting you through to the next round.  Congratulations!!

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the simulated TV shows.

Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.

A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out.  “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression.  The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”

He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly.  “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline.  Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s.  Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis.  No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”

One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason.  The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert?   Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University?  Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up.  These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff.  You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”

Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave.  But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard.  The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions.  Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general.  Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks.  His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background.  Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to.  The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation.  “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator.  It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated. 

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville.  People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release.  And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck. 

But the last charge was a huge concern.  “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said.  “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.”  A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said.  “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that.  I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him.  I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”.  I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar.  It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war.  It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma.  Voting is expected by week’s end.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

The President announced that he could no longer tolerate smart-alec insubordination and disrespect in his commanding general.  So he put his ass on a slow boat to Cleveland, and fired him on the spot.

The General had told Lazy Funk magazine that he didn’t care for the President’s choice of underarm deodorant.  “He’s got B.O., and the cheddar cheese fragrance of the roll-on (that he apparently gets from Cracker Barrel) makes the whole Oval office smell like a 400-pound jogger,” said the General.  “If he’s going to shop at the Barrel, maybe he ought to see if they have something a little less dairy.”

Even though the General has had a distinguished 35-year career, and has led the nation in defending against nasty enemies and lunatics while risking his life, the B.O. comment was just too mean, too cruel, and very inappropriate, according to the President.  “The General should have just held his freaking nose like the rest of us,” an Insider said.  “Maybe he could have just shot him a Ralph Lauren fragrance gift pack for Christmas, and let nature run its course.”

The General said he has had a lot of offers and looks forward to joining the private sector.  Several cologne companies have allegedly made him attractive offers to be their spokesman, parlaying his notoriety as a sudden odor expert, and a solid defender of the right to not have to breathe stale air.  “It’s in the Declaration…life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness…no way you’re going to be pursuing happiness in a stink pot,” he said.

The President appointed General Lucius Munkfard to the post as his replacement.  Munkfard is a highly decorated officer, who coincidently lost his sense of smell in Vietnam during heavy chemical bombing many years ago.  He said he can pretty much withstand any foe, whether it be enemy combatant or just pure unadulterated stink.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the stinky ones.

The President, in a desperate attempt to change his pansy image, attended the National Asskicker Society meeting this week.  Members unanimously voted him Honorary Chief of the Society for “showing the mean angry face of a determined bully who meant business and would take no prisoners.”  The President was humbled so much in this designation that the Board almost decided to take the honor away from him.

The Chairman of the Society, Elfred DeJong, officially known as the F#?%Head Supreme, said that the President has made great strides in flushing out his inherent weenyness that had made him the lapdog of the bleeding heart liberals.  “But we need to see more than just a snippet or two of tough talk,” he said.  “We need to see him chasing down those Washington idiots across the White House lawn and literally be kicking their asses along the chase.  We want it to look like a bloody Three Stooges routine.  He needs to be Moe.  That’s when we’ll be truly convinced of his ability to earn the honor bestowed upon him today.  We’ll be watching.”

A spokesman for the President said he is going to seriously try hard to be an A-1 Asskicker, even though it runs against all his natural instincts.  He has started watching old James Cagney face-slapping movies, and some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies to better learn classic jerkism.  He has even considered pulling out the old strap on his kids.  The President has cancelled his memberships in the Mamby Pamby Society, the Gutless Wonders Association, and the Men With Tears.  “He’s committed.  There will be no tear sheds around here, believe me.”

As the President left the National Asskickers Society meeting, he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face.  “There’s still work to do,” the President said as he brushed off his Armani suit.  The Society Chairman said that they could always retract the honor if he returns to acting like a boob.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!!  You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright.  Whooop, whooop, whooop.  Okay contestants, here we go.  Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!!  These are not just any jobs.  They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever.  From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy.  Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker.  Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery.  Harry?

Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs.  Come on, give me a break.  I’ll say $78 billion.

Okay, now we’re getting serious.  Joe….you’re next…

I’ll bid one dollar.

One dollar for 100 jobs??  Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind.  Okay, one dollar.  Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price.  It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy.  These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning.  And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs?  You can’t ….

Barack, Barack….please, man.  Just shut up.  Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.

$62 billion.  There….you happy now?  You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr,  mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….

Thank you.  Retail price….$62 billion!!  Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot.  How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob.  He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers.  He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal.  If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion.  Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw.  Am I right?  A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy?  Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob.  I don’t care if he always wins.  I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity.  We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will.  Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job.  No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz).  I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today.  But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements.  Until then,  good night friends.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows

The White House just announced plans to change suppliers of their official hand-wringing towels.  They claim that the current supplier has failed to deliver a consistent quality  product that can hold up to the demands of their intense users.

A White House spokesman indicated that the previous towels provided by Waaah Waaah Inc literally turned into shreds during the current BP oil spill crisis.  “They just were not up to the task,” the spokesman said.  “We had a group of 10 of us in the Oval Office wimpering, crying, and wringing the snot out of those towels.  9 out of 10 basically disintegrated, turning into a mangled mess of sloppy thread.  The 10th was used by a staffer who apparently dozed off during the meeting.”

Waaah Waaah has said that they never warrantied their product line for this enormous level of wringing that the towels recently were subjected to.  They said that they would have normally expected the Chief Executive to stop crying, and start doing something at this stage of the crisis, as all his predecessors would have done by now.  “This Chief has just thrown us for a loop,” said Frank Waaah, CEO of the company.  “It appears we are in a new age of fret, that may require us to totally rethink how our product line is designed.”

The new supplier, Boohooski Wet Mops Inc., promised to deliver hand-wringers made out of heavy-duty denim with kevlar wire reinforcement.  They say that their towels are strictly made for wringing, and caution the texture is much too rough for facial skin contact.  They claim that they will guarantee the steady performance of their Max Wring Whinecloths for either the entire length of the BP oil spill crisis, or 2 years, whichever comes first.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

California, the newly emerging leader in the nanny-state movement, is trying its best to set the pace in government control of those whacky kids in the state.  The problem stems from the fact that most parents in California have given up trying to discipline their children, preferring rather the lay-back approach to just let things take their course.  The result has been an outbreak in fat kids, some weighing over 500 pounds before they reach 4 feet tall.  One school system reported that a busload of these obese monstrosities actually caused the rear wheels of the bus to go flat when they all waddled to the back of the bus.  The bus company spokesman said that they have implemented new seat assignment rules for the uber-chunksters, and are asking for state government stimulus help to help pay for repairs to tires and suspension system damage, as well as brake system upgrades to handle the hefty new loads.

The California government is taking swift action on the jumbo problem.  They recently enacted rules that prohibit the sale of toys in Happy Meals, and restrict the availability of GatorAde at schools to begin to address calorie intake.  But they say that this is just the beginning.  They are now putting together legislation that will put chubby little Johnnie on a diet he will never forget.  It will include immediate incarceration of any flabmaster eating a cheeseburger in public, a non-diet soft drink, an ice cream cone, or anything that doesn’t look like and smell like a granola bar.  If taken away, the chubblers will go to a special juvenile detention center where they will be fed saltine crackers and bottled water for 30 days, or 30 pounds, whichever comes first.  Supermarkets will be prohibited from selling taco chips, cheesecake, doughnuts, pork chops, or cream puffs to any family who has a certified chunkolunker.  Any father found guilty of buying restricted food for his child will have his beer card taken away for 6 months.

Many citizens have become outraged at this new restriction in basic freedom and this trend of becoming such a nanny state.  One mother said, “We like our Johnnie to look well fed.  You never know when the next depression will hit us, and if it does, Johnnie will be all set for probably 6 months or more.  You wait and see.”

But other families are taking it in stride, and think the whole movement is a good idea.  “Our Freddie has become such an enormous chowhound that we have found him wolfing down dog food during the late evenings,” one citizen reported.  “Puppy chow by the bag full.  Old Rover has started getting pretty pissed off about the whole deal, and has been doing his business on the carpet lately.  If these laws get Freddie off the dogfood bag, well, I’m all for it.”

Doctors are also weighing in on the issue, in favor of the nannyist movement to slim kids down.  “We are finding so many children with knee problems and back problems because their enormous stomach weight is wreaking havoc on their spinal system and joints throughout their bodies,” said one orthopedic.  “Besides, when these elephant-kids come in, they steal all my suckers and I have to go to WalMart and replenish them.  It’s time for action.”

It’s not clear whether the aggressive rules proposed will fly, but many say the fight will go on until no child weighs more than 250 pounds.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Within moments of Arizona passing its tough-minded new law to deal with the flood of illegal immigrants, the mayor of San Francisco took to the microphone.  He informed the public, and in particular the City employees, that effective immediately there would be no more boondoggles of City employees to any part of Arizona.  This included no sidetrips to the Hoover dam on any City summits or symposiums to Vegas, or any special City Issues Conferences and Golf Outings in Scottsdale.  “If those cowboys down there want to start 3rd degreeing every ordinary citizen they come across…well, we will have no part in it,” the mayor said.

Reporters questioned the mayor whether the true reason for his pronouncement was because perhaps he had illegal Mexicans on his staff.  The mayor became outraged, “What…are you guys now going to enjoin this whole McCarthyism program and start badgering the good staff of citizens who make our city work so well?  Did I just fall asleep and wake up in Nazi Germany or something?”

After San Francisco broke the ice, a number of other cities jumped on the bandwagon, instructing their staffs to rebook their boondoggles to non-Arizona destinations.  One large city mayor immediately switched to one of the Dakotas.  When staffers complained that there was nothing to do in the Dakotas, the mayor said, “What about Mount Rushmore??  I’ve been there 7 times and plan to go again next summer.  You can’t get enough of that place, in my opinion.”  A reporter asked what about the flood of illegal Canadians that keep crossing the border and pouring into the Dakotas, literally unwatched and unregulated.  He replied, “Now that you mention it, there are a lot of people up there who put ‘Eh?’ on the end of their sentences.”

Other mayors and even some state governors are scrambling to reschedule their boondoggles in order to avoid the spotlight.  Many saw what happened when the group of City officials from Mixfart, Idaho, who were on a “business development” mission to Phoenix started getting questioned and scrutinized by protesters and reporters while they dined at a 5-star restaurant.  “Often Joe Public does not fully understand the value that these fact-finding trips uncover,” a senior Mixfart official said.  “They just see a bunch of city people lounging around, drinking cabernet around the pool at a luxo-resort, eating surf and turf, and getting in a few rounds of golf or tennis on the taxpayer tab.  They totally miss those mid-morning meetings where we talk details about city business…serious details, for sometimes over an hour.”

Many cities are under time pressure to get these trips in.  Some have been funded with Federal Stimulus program money, and could be under pressure after November.  But most are confident they can find alternate places to go.  One official said, “We’ll go to Europe if we have to.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

A Look inside the book….

Chapter One.

The tyrant-wannabe must first understand that it is not as easy being tyrannical as you would think.  It takes time, persistence, a willingness to go that extra mile in demonstrating consistent nastiness in a new, exciting unpredictable ways.  Many potentially world-class tyrants have failed to reach the pinnacles because they became too predictable…particularly in the ways they mistreated and tormented their people.  Best practice has always been to gin up a new element of creepiness each and every day that is radically different from the creep show the day before.

It is important that the tyrant-in-training first decide which type of tyrant he/she wants to be:

1. Benevolent tyrant who claims to be taking total charge in order to help people, particularly those who have not been able to realize full happiness in their lives.  These people may have pursued happiness, only to discover that some jerk took it away.  The benevolent tyrant will promise leveling things out, and naturally break that promise on a regular basis.

2. Taskmaster tyrant who decides, by gosh, he’s got a job to do, and will get it done by shear force.  This tyrant believes he has a mandate from his adoring public to do whatever it takes, and feels he has total authority over his whole domain.  He will command his subjects to fulfill his wishes.  Head beatings may be necessary for slackers to his orders.

3. Ruthless tyrant who takes the taskmaster tyrant flavor one step further.  He normally discovers the root of all society problems is confined to certain people whose behavior is abhorant to him.  He spends most of his time trying to figure out ways to mum these people.

The irony in the tyrant choice decision is that it doesn’t really matter which flavor you choose.  All end up essentially behaving the same way in time.  But most successful tyrants prefer to look like #1, the benevolent tyrant, because it plays better in the press.  It allows the creation of an image of empathy, which is effective at tricking the gullible public into believing he will truly help them out of their situation.  Of course, by the time they realize that they just stepped into a bucket of s#!&t, it’s too late, baby.

Next, it is very important for the tyrant trainee to engage in Mirror time.  He must practice the various tyrant “looks”, with at least 6 reps of 20 minute look drills per day, especially in the early days of the tyranny.  He should practice the look of growling at flunkie interruptions, eyeball popouts during any staff disagreement, furled eyebrows at idiotic citizen comments, total disgust at any sort of bad news, rage at any insubordination, and generally a scowl as a default look.  Repeated practice will make these looks come natural to the tyrant when the situation arises, since often there will not be a mirror available when needed.

The tyrant will want to quickly begin to develop his own henchman security force, who will bust heads, bust chops to enforce your agenda.  It’s good to start early and create a probation program that will sort the true stars from the hench-talkers who talk a good game, but cannot truly clock a guy with one swift swipe.  Alignment training will be required, formerly known as brain-washing.  Brain-washing was never a very adequate term to use, since technically brains were never truly being washed in the detergent sense of the word.  In modern times, terms like visioning, developing common purpose, and execution are more politically correct terms to use to describe getting your henchmen’s priorities right.

In the next chapter, we will discuss other important early aspects of creating that tyranny that historians will talk about for millenia, including the importance of selecting the proper gold and/or gem-encrusted throne that speaks to your individual personality.

The President, during his “Suck up to America” national tour was given a surprise pop mid-term exam by an Econ 101 instructor.  It was a simple 1-question exam.  She asked:  With the incredibly horrible economic conditions and so many people out of work, do you think now would be a wise time to roll-out your proposed tax increases?  Most onlookers thought this was an easy “A” for the President.

Of course, the correct response was a simple “No”.  Just for good measure, 100 onlookers were given the chance to also answer the question, and 93% got it correct…even 5 pre-teens who did not even know how to spell Economics, and one well-trained poodle.

Unfortunately, however, the President did not provide the correct answer…he did not provide the simple “No” response.  Normally, this would have earned him a flat “F”.  But the President went on blabbering for a full 17 minutes in response to this simple yes/no question, rambling into off-tangent subjects such as How to keep jamming Health Care down throats, nationalizing the Porta-john businesses, and improving foreign relations with Mozambique.  When he completed his ramble-thon, he asked the puzzled instructor whether he had answered her question. 

The Test Board had no choice but to issue him an F-minus on this mid-term for “incoherency beyond obnoxion, and a profound lack of basic economic knowledge.”   Sad.

But the Test Board reminded him that it is not too late.  He still has an outside chance to Ace the final, and still get a passing grade.  Clearly he will have to buckle down, stop eating CheetO’s, read his assigned Econ 101 material…not just look at the pictures or grab the Cliff Notes version of Basic Economics…and study a little harder.  He must also avoid the temptation to read the “alternate” revisionist version of Economics authored by such crackerjacks as Homer Simpson, Keith Ubernerd, Michael Moore, or Pee Wee Herman…unless, of course, he wants to become the Millard Fillmore of the 21st Century.  He will have to demonstrate that he has a grasp on what it takes to create real jobs, as opposed to the hypothetical virtual job creating stats that his flunkies keep feeding him. 

He may be forced to dust off a Milton Friedman text or even listen to Bill O’Reilly bloviations to rinse out whatever Obamonomic toxins are clouding his thought process in order to get that passing grade.  Fans are pulling for him. 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.