bizarreville

Now that Kamala is the presumptive Democratic nominee for President, the Democrat Party leaders are wondering how to spin her.  After all, she amassed the worst record as a Vice President since Spiro Agnew.  Her one major work assignment, to fix the southern border crisis, was a legendary screw-up, with millions and millions of illegal aliens flooding into the country under her watch.  Many feel, with her as President, that Putin will invade New Mexico, set up his own gambling casinos, while shutting down the Indian casinos.

Party leaders are certain they can put lipstick on any barnyard animal and can turn Kamala’s pathetic approval ratings into golden McNuggets.  All Democrat party members have been instructed to put on the “Love Kamala” face pronto, or risk being rebranded as a bigoted MAGA, and find a space under the bus.  And, they better jump on the Socialism bandwagon if they want to live in a nice tenement apartment after the revolution, get priority when standing in bread lines, and receive allocations of the better vodkas.

Senior leaders are not worried.  They were able to convince 80 million citizens to vote for Old Drifty Head last time, so should be able to rope them in for Comrade Kamal this go around.

Disclaimer:  stories in Bizarreville are fiction-ish.

Many Democrats are hanging tough, supporting President Dead Head, after his debate train wreck last week.  The President was unable to answer a single question coherently, claiming that he did not get enough sleep the night before.  Most bystanders said it looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep for about 3 years, and could probably use a 4-year rest.

Senior Democrats disagree, however.  They point out that glibness is way overrated, and intelligence makes leaders feel like they are Mister Know-it-Alls.  “Give me a stumbling, bumbling bozo any day of the week,” one anonymous spokesman said.  “And you’ll have a President who is not argumentative when we tell him to shut up and just sign stuff.  Look at our opponent who is running for President.  He will argue and pester you to death, demanding all kinds of information before he signs one lousy Executive Order.  Drive you nuts.”

Many Independents who had been leaning toward voting for Biden are now saying they cannot vote for someone so mentally diminished.  They say they would face too much ridicule at neighborhood picnics, if they ever admitted voting for such an empty head.  For those who can’t seem to push the lever for Trump, they say they will stay home and watch Wheel of Fortune reruns.

All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until they become true.

Bizarreville Press has published its latest bit of satirical brilliance, titled “Joe Stalin in the ‘Burbs’.  The story imagines Joe being transported from the 1940’s to present times and trying to figure out how to adapt to a suburban lifestyle with the wife and kids.  Needless to say, the despicable murderer/dictator encounters a variety of challenges as he gets invited to a neighbor’s potluck party, and gets pressured on how to properly mow his lawn.  He establishes a forge shop to produce swords, battle axes, and machetes, but soon realizes that demand for these wartime instruments is very slow.  Reluctantly, he decides to convert his operation to producing low-end golf clubs.

It’s a fun read for peasants and normal people alike.  Click on the book cover on the right to order from Amazon. ——>

Many Biden Left-wing supporters were outraged when stories about the President hiding old Classified documents in his garage next to his Corvette recently came to light.

Corvette?  Corvette??  The supporters were apparently unaware that their Chief owned and (worse yet) cherished a 1967 Corvette, with a gas-guzzling, pollution-spewing 325 cubic inch V8 engine.  When new, the car got about 13 miles per gallon; however, due to age/condition, the number is down to about 8 now, making it one of the worst fossil fuel gulpers of any car on the globe.  On top of that, the car does not have any sort of emission control equipment and does not come anywhere close to meeting environmental standards.  It would not even be allowed on the road in places like California.

The Progressive supporters cannot understand why the President has not hauled this car to the junkyard, and had his Secret Service people oversee the crushing/demolition, like what was done in the Goldfinger movie.

“He cannot go around shaming Americans for their lack of passion about global climate change, then go do a burnout, laying 5 pounds of rubber on the pavement and fouling the air with clouds of burnt rubber smoke,” one Insider said.  “What kind of leadership is that?  Scratch that.  We know the answer.”

It’s another bad look for the Hypocrite-in Chief.  The man simply can never seem to get his mouth and feet in synch with each other.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  The man does own a 67 Vette, though.  That much is true.

There has been much speculation on how Nancy Pelosi will adapt to her new role as Ms. Irrelevant.  She has, after all, relished her previous role as The Most Hated Speaker of the House in history.  She has often said that it is important to be seen as a Hateful Person, when you’re a stupid, ornery little pip squeak, who could only demonstrate her power by ripping up a President’s State of the Union speech on national TV.  “You gotta make a name for yourself,” she would say, “when everyone sees you as an insignificant moron.  Once I ripped up that speech, people began to recognize me as a person to be reckoned with.”

Many people feel that now she will have time to go back to her home district in San Francisco, and do something to turn that place into something other than the piss hole it has become in recent years.  The city has become inundated with crime… with car jackings, shoplifting, and public urination totally out of control.  Pelosi has dismissed these issues as being minor in nature, even showing solidarity with the rapidly growing vagrant population by urinating in public herself.

In the short term, however, she plans to take on the role of Chief Agitator representing the Liberal Minority in the House.  She understands that she will be unable to get her Socialist agenda passed through Congress now, but will do all she can to disrupt Republicans and create as much chaos as possible.  After all, that is what a Ms. Irrelevant is expected to do.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Anyone could have figured that out, right?

Architects around the world are being solicited to submit bids for a new memorial carving, to be sculpted in the mountains of Oregon, with a working title of Mt. Flushmore.  The carving will display the heads of the 3 worst U. S. Presidents in history:  Joe Biden, Jimmy Carter, and Herbert Hoover.  This will provide a needed cultural balance to the sculpture at Mt. Rushmore, displaying 4 heads of some of the best Presidents.

Hoover, of course, was the President who managed to kick off the Great Depression, and did absolutely nothing to change the country’s course as it sank into near ruin.  Carter was nicknamed the Malaise President for his incompetence in dragging the country’s morale to new lows, while watching interest rates skyrocket to 17 percent.  Biden, however, is currently seen as the worst President of the three, mainly because of his brain meltdown and allowing radical morons to run the government and turn the country into a mess of high inflation, no border security, and high crime in all major cities.  The 3, in combination, certainly paint a picture of legendary pathetic leadership.

The sculpture is being funded by the Association of Major Losers (AML), who in the past have supported many left-wing, ultra-liberal candidates for Congress, mostly who ended up losing their elections.  The Association believes that it is unconstitutional to keep focusing on winners/achievers in our society… a policy which tends to make normal people feel inadequate, inept, and stupid.  The sculpture will encourage citizens as they gaze upon the artwork, to believe that, at least, they are not as bad as Hoover, Carter, or Biden.

“Giving prominence to these 3 morons,” an AML spokesman said, “who almost singlehandedly drove the country into oblivion, gives a sense of pride to the millions of Average-minus people out there, who can see that there were high-ranking people who were way, way worse than them.  They can then realize that being mediocre ain’t so bad.”

Some citizens in rural Oregon have opposed erecting the monument in their backyard, feeling that it will attract the scumbuckets of the land to visit there, and goober-up their homeland.  They suggest putting the sculpture in the ghetto of New York City, or Hoboken, or some other scummy place like that.

“We can’t do that,” the AML spokesman said.  “There are no mountains in either of those cities.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just in case you were thinking this was a national media story.

With the Democrats looking like they will be having big problems in the upcoming midterm elections, there is a desire among Liberal Leaders to switch up the narrative.  The President decided to call a meeting of the Liberal Braintrust last week, which included himself, Vice President Harris, and Mayor Lightfoot of Chicago, to come up with some messages that would resonate and turn the trend around.

After 27 hours of debate and coming up with absolutely nothing worthwhile, the threesome finally decided to just go with the standard Lying and Denying approach to messaging.  Their advisors convinced them that the Lying/Denying theme has worked for decades in getting Liberal candidates elected.  It should work now.  And, while the key elements of the Administration’s performance are at all-time horrendous levels, most voters are too ignorant to know the difference and will believe whatever you tell them.  Remember that the national media is even dumber, and certainly won’t challenge the lies… may even go as far as claiming the deceptions are the absolute truth.

The Leadership group has come up with snazzy tee-shirts and ball caps to pound the messages that there are no problems with the Economy, Inflation, the Southern Border, Violent Crime in the Cities, and our Country’s Reputation in the World.  But they add, if anyone is challenged, just say, “Yeah, but it would be a lot worse with Trump.”  Fits perfectly with the Lying theme.

The shirts and hats are available at Brainzo.com/Let’sGoBrandon.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least until they become true.

Another key element in the President’s “Money For Nothing” strategy is this new forgiveness of student debt program.  The cost of the program is estimated to be over $500 billion, which is not being paid for in any way, and will increase the average burden on U.S. taxpayers by $2500 per person.  In other words, the normal everyday taxpayer will be footing a bill because some student shmoe hasn’t figured out how to get a decent paying job to cover his/her own debt.  Some have suggested that it is especially difficult for those students who majored in Basket-weaving and Mosquito Health and Safety to find the kind of job that will produce any sort of salary that would allow them to chip away at their loans.  The students who were minoring in Beer Pong face even bigger difficulties, especially if they continued their Pong studies in graduate school and beyond.

A further concern is that the reckless spending by the President and his team are expected to have the near-term impact of cranking-up another layer of Inflation on the fragile economy.  His team simply cannot understand that all these giveaways and nutty spending programs are wreaking havoc on monetary policy, thus causing inflation to hit levels of 9 percent or more.  The Federal Reserve is now attempting to rein in inflation by jacking up interest rates, but even they are having trouble keeping up with Joe’s spending binge.

Mid-term elections are coming soon.  It is expected that many of these irresponsible spending blitz actions will be cancelled or tempered once the adults are voted back into power.  Until then… hold on.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones with Beer Pong.

Recent poll results show that 74 percent of Americans feel that the country is headed in the wrong direction… pointing out worries about massive inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, the doubling of violent crime in cities, and over 2 million illegal immigrants entering the country from Mexico this year.  Citizens are suffering more than they have ever suffered in their lives.  Some have said they’d rather have COVID than have to deal with such incompetence in the leadership of the country.  Sadly, many people have gotten stuck with both.

The Administration has responded that everyone needs to buck-up, because it could be a whole lot worse.  There were times in the not-too-distant past where citizens had to deal with horse manure piling up in the streets, no fresh doughnuts, social pressure to smoke cigarettes, and going Bowling as your “big night out on the town.”  No one is making you go bowling now.

Pundits point out that the Administration just seems to be befuddled on what to do.  The current mess is not unlike the Jimmy Carter malaise years, whose team wrote the book on incompetent befuddlement.  Many of the President’s closest advisors now admit that they dozed through their Economics class in college, and never quite understood all those crazy Supply & Demand graphs that kept crossing over each other.  But they woke up when the left-wind professor described the wonderful benefits of taxing normal people out the ying-yang, while giving free rides to the social underbelly to even things out.

The Administration believes that focusing on increased taxes represents the least-bad path forward.  The advisors argue that if you levy high taxes on everyone, they will likely get so pissed-off that they will forget about all those other problems.

A minority of people still believe that the President will pick a path to get us back on our feet, citing that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.  They just need to make sure that the blind squirrel doesn’t get run over by the lawnmower during his dinner.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally written.

There has been reporting about the Democrats’ fraudulent naming of the recent “Inflation Reduction Act” that was recently signed by the President.  Opponents correctly point out that the bill has nothing whatsoever to do with reducing inflation, and it is criminal for these rogue lawmakers to lie to people and fool them into believing that it would address inflation.  Even the liberal defenders of the huge spending act wink and smile about the naming.  But how does such deceit happen in a country that believes in truth and honesty?

Our intrepid reporters have gone underground and have discovered the story about how the bill was named.  Turns out, originally the bill was to be called The Greenie Whackos Payoff Act (GWPA).  This would have been a name that, frankly, would be 100 percent truthful and would have focused the public’s attention on the need to bolster support for the Climate Change fervor among the radical green-heads.  When the House leaders brought in the Greenie-Cause leaders to discuss the legislation, there was unhappiness about the name.  The Green leaders said the name made it sound like they were being bribed for providing support and cooking-up votes for the Democrats running for Congress.  It made them look bad, when all they were trying to do was save the planet from immediate self-destruction… especially important, since most of them pretty much knew they were ultimately headed for Satan’s Barbeque Party in the hereafter.

It looked like they were all at an impasse, when a low-level clerk brought in a newspaper which had a headline reading, “Inflation Currently at 40-year High.”  They quickly read the story, then decided that inflation would be the topic of the new law.  After all, who would know the difference… among the people who really matter, anyway?  They got out the white-out, and within 10 minutes, the name was changed.

One House member felt a little guilty about lying to the nation, since the new name had nothing to do with the contents inside.  So, they amended the bill to add a miniscule item that would have a 0.0001% reduction in inflation by the 9th year.  He felt better after that, and could proudly say they were telling the truth-ish.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until proven otherwise.

With the doubling of violent crime in the country’s large cities, it has become clear to everyone that the root cause of the problem is the negligent performance of the District Attorneys in the Cities.  These morons have essentially stopped prosecuting criminals, claiming that the thugs are not to blame for their misbehaviors… that it is Society’s fault for allowing them to become thugs in the first place.  Rather than punishing them, the DA’s have been providing the culprits with stimulus checks, extra food stamps, and Disney World tickets to compensate them for lives of mistreatment.

Citizens in some cities have begun to protest the lack of law & order enforcement, and have begun to Recall the errant DA’s, hoping to replace them with new DA’s who will ramp up prosecutions on violent offenders.  Many citizens would like to return to the Three Strikes and You’re Out policy, rather than the current policy of 47 Strikes and We’ll See.  The Recall actions are being challenged by the George Soros organization, who had put up millions of dollars in campaign financing for this brand of Progressive/Lenient-on-steroids District Attorney, and would hate to see all that money going down the drain.

“Science has shown that locking-up criminals just make them go crazier than they already were,” a Soros spokesman explained, while standing behind a heavy iron gate.  “We must give them freedom to work out their anxieties, confront life’s realities, and purchase their preferred brand of dope.  Otherwise, the problems will just keep getting worse.”

It is just a question of time before the rest of the Cities join the Recall movement, and throw out their lame DA’s.  In the meantime, iron gate contractors report that business has never been better.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but sound awfully real.

Senator Chuck Schumer had become frustrated with the lack of public interest lately in the ridiculous Pelosi pseudo-hearings related to the Capitol riot, and decided to try a little insurrection of his own, inciting citizens to protest and threaten Supreme Court Justices.  He warned the Justices in a speech that “you will pay the price” for doing your job and following the Constitution.  One crazy lunatic listened to the Senator, and attempted to do violence on Justice Kavanaugh.

“Sadly,” according to a spokesperson for Senator Schumer, “the brave individual was apprehended before he could carry out his protest.  Now, come on, he wasn’t really going to shoot anyone.  He was just carrying the pistol in case he got mugged along the way.  Have you seen the crime statistics in DC lately?”

Schumer supporters insist that the Senator was not trying to incite violence, and that the “pay the price” comment merely related to the Over/Under prop bet on how many Justices would favor overturning Roe v. Wade.  The line is 5.5, but money seems to be moving to the Under… much to Schumer’s chagrin.  Schumer, according to sources went with the Over.  And he hates losing.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.