April 22nd, 2010
Volcano ash dust problem closes down the local WalMart
The volcanic dust from the eruption of the Iceland volcano has managed to even effect the local economy in Bizarreville. The WalMart, which prides itself on being open 24 hours/day, 7 days/week was forced to declare a state of emergency when 43 of its employees called-off sick, claiming that they were choking from the ash dust in the air. Some said that they had breathed in shards of glass that ripped through their lungs, forcing them to cough up blood and other nasty green goo. When asked if they were rushed to the hospital, all said No, they were just taking it easy at home, taking tequila shots to ease the pain.
Authorities, however, have said that the ash clouds from the Iceland blast have come nowhere near Bizarreville. The problems are surfacing in England and the mainland of Europe, but nowhere near here. Some scientists have said that it is possible that a jet stream could have picked up a hunk of this junk and transported it here, but it is extremely unlikely. “Probably just a bunch of deadbeats looking for any lame excuse to fart off work,” said one of the volcanologists. “Tell them to bring in some bloody mucous samples, and we’ll take a look. But don’t hold your breath.”
Meanwhile, the WalMart had to scale back its operations to just allowing purchases of dog food, diapers, and cheap T-shirts due to the shortage of help. When customers asked why just these products, they were told, “Listen, do you want dog food or not? If not, then beat it.” Certainly the long hours being worked by the small cadre of non-excusers, along with having to sleep on cheap WalMart cots set up in the Auto department, has had an effect on attitudes.
WalMart local management has said they will endure through this volcanic flu crisis and soon get back to business at usual…getting back to offering its full range of worthless garbage at low, low prices that people have come to expect from the leader of retailing in the free world.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the volcano stories.
