July 5th, 2011
Basketball lockout prompts focus on reducing game boringness
The Bizarreville Basketball Association (BBA) announced that it plans to lockout its players as a result of inability to come to a Labor Agreement with the Prima Donna United Players International (PDUPI). The BBA says that it is unable to make money in the business in spite of raising ticket prices to an average of $100 per seat, installing luxo-boxes that go for 20 grand, and raising beer prices to 10 skins (12 if you want it cold).
Basketball industry insiders point out that part of the problem is the general boringness of the professional game. Many fans are falling asleep in the stands, especially since they replaced the uncomfortable bleacher seats with regular full-backed seats. Concession sales then fall dramatically by mid-2nd quarter. Some teams have tried fan gimmicks like T-shirt cannons, ugly hair contests, and acrobatic dunking troupes to wake people up, but at best, it seems to only have a temporary impact. Once play resumes, the logs start sawing again.
Sports pundits express hope that the new crop of college draftees may unearth some new players that have a little more personality than melba toast. Jagmar “Melba Toast” Johnson, power forward for the Bizarreville Yanks, takes exception to that specific characterization, but also insists that the play is not that boring…especially in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter. “I find that the snoring significantly dies down then, particularly if we can sneak in a power dunk or two.” The feeling is shared by his teammate Lamar “M.C. Yawn” Shuffler, whose dry monotone remark was so boring that the tape recorder fell asleep.
Some fans think the BBA should implement a 4-point shot, to inject some enthusiasm like when the 3-point shot was adopted. But others say that would encourage some hot dogs to just start firing half-court airballs, which could make the game even more boring…if that is possible. Still others suggest the league should eliminate most fouls, take a page out of the Hockey playbook, and allow a more physical game with more frequent fights and pulling jerseys over heads.
“It’s getting that way anyway,” one Yank fan remarked. “Why not just cut to the chase, and let the brawls begin…legally. I think fans would love it, especially if there were more face-jacking and broken noses. Put some boxing ring-like ropes around the court…two guys go up for a rebound, one guy ends up in the ropes. You gotta admit…that would be fun. Ultimate basketball. I’d stay awake for that!”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sports themed ones.
