bizarreville

The President showed-off his physical dexterity yesterday in a dull speech broadcast on his favorite TV cable station.  As you know, many citizens have been concerned about the President’s physical and mental shortcomings since being elected.  Last night, while still leaving doubt on the mental side, he showed the world that he was quite skilled at one physical maneuver.

The President demonstrated over and over again that he was able to pat himself on the back without really straining at all.  He took full credit for the ability to get citizens inoculated with the COVID vaccine.  He praised himself that he singlehandedly, through his personal drive, has been able to get the shots to people in increasing numbers.  And, because of his skillful work pressuring the drug companies, assured that everyone would be able to get their doses by May.

Unfortunately, with all the back-patting, he caused further disruption to his already precarious mental condition.  It was evident, as he forgot to mention that the previous Administration had produced literally a modern miracle to get the vaccines developed, tested, proven, mass produced, and mass distributed under the Warp Speed Program.  He had also forgotten that the citizens were being vaccinated at a rate in excess of 1 million per week before Joe even took office.  Instead, he believed that he had actually developed the whole vaccine program himself in a lab in his basement.

“Short-term memory loss is common in people like the President who are drifting downward in their mental faculties,” a doctor who specializes in mental disorders commented, as he watched the stumbling, bumbling speech on TV.  “Hey, if he can put together a coherent sentence or two, that is encouraging that he’s not yet a total vegetable.  Look at the bright side.  He did fine reaching around and patting himself on the back without anyone instructing him how to do it.”

The Executive staff is now preparing a speech on the President’s “amazing accomplishments” on immigration at the southern border.  This will further show his back-patting prowess… either that, or his head wedging skill… another proof of his superior dexterity.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are now rated fiction-ish.

Sure, it was a formality, but one that was welcomed by the new House and Senate leadership.  Yesterday, all the  Democratic Senate and House members signed a pledge to park their brains at the door, and just vote however Pelosi and Schumer instructed them to vote.  Each and every one of them signed the one-page pledge to ensure party unity and expedite the lawmaking process, in the face of Republican opposition on everything to be proposed.  And, since their left-drooping brains are on the shallow-side anyway, there was no downside to the rubber stamping process… anything they would suggest would most likely be lame.

“I’m happy about it,” one junior Senator confided.  “It used to be that my staff and I would spend hours and hours and hours reading all the mumbo-jumbo in these proposed laws.  Frankly, I didn’t understand most of it… not just because of my low-IQ… but mostly because reading makes me sleepy.  The fact is, we have professionals writing this stuff, they all do a good job supposably(sic).  So what’s the diff?  We’re all going to vote for it anyway.  With the time I same, I can spend a lot more energy on my matchbook collection.  You know, I have over 5 thousand of them on display in my Rec Room.  Really.”

Republicans are not surprised by the pledge, knowing that the Democratic congresspeople have not thought for themselves for decades.  “Once you forget how to think,” one Republican congressman mentioned, “it’s awfully hard to restart that stalled engine.  Better to just park that sled.”

Pundits say that the only long-term solution to this brain-parking problem is term limits.  But, unfortunately, that is unlikely to happen, since the dum-dums themselves would have to change their own rules.  And, while these morons are pretty stupid when it comes to lawmaking, they are certainly savvy enough not to auto-pink slip themselves… especially considering they are not competent of doing much of anything else of value with their lives in the real world.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but some are under study for becoming real.

Professors at Bumfunk College have come forward and criticized all the liberal national media, particularly CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and CBS for their excessive use of Fake News, Fake Analysis, contrived data, unsubstantiated quotes from mystery sources, and their total disregard for anything resembling proper journalism.  The Profs say that a little false information is understandable and, frankly, important to the advancement of left-wing agendas.  But the new crop of “reporters” have gone too far.  Now the whole liberal cause is in jeopardy of unraveling, as the public has begun to distrust their over-the-top fictionalized stories.

A liberal whack job on the “Morning Shmoes” TV show replied that lies are necessary to put an end to the Conservative movement, the Tea Party, and the Free Speech initiative… all organizations that stand in the way of socialism.  Truth in reporting does not deliver the needed punch to awaken those misguided souls on the right.  The ends justify the means, as everybody who is anybody knows.

“Besides, college professors should talk about lying…they lie about what’s going to be on the Final, lie about grading on the curve, lie that the pathetic course they are teaching you has some degree of importance in the rest of your life.  Fortunately, thankfully, they have at least told the truth that capitalism sucks and Marxism is the superior framework for the future.  Most still keep a portrait of Karl in their home offices, for perspective when they get confused after looking at their 401-K statement, or after eating a prime rib dinner at the Club.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.

As promised in his campaign, President Biden has opened the floodgates, bypassing all procedures, for ushering illegal immigrants into the country.  His staff members believe there are millions of people who were unfairly stopped cold by the previous Administration because they had gang connections, criminal histories, sexual trafficking charges, and/or drug cartel links.  “It’s just another example of how the previous Administration discriminated against individuals just because they were not ‘squeaky clean’ in some of their behaviors,” one senior official commented.

The Biden Administration also said they were going to enact new rules on deportation.  Minor crimes such as simple assault, fraud, mugging, money laundering, tax evasion, or sex solicitation are not serious enough to warrant throwing a person or family back to the slums of their home country, where they would wreak even more havoc there.  No, these minor violators will just be placed in counseling sessions to help them realize that their misbehavior history was not their fault.

ICE officials have been ordered to blast 74 holes in Trump’s new wall in order to facilitate the free flow of immigrants entering the country.  The ICE members have been cautioned to smile and be nice to the immigrants.  Any frowny faces or snarky attitudes could risk termination of their employment, or reassignment to a desk job in DC.

The President has also pledged to give instant citizenship status to the 15 million illegals in the country now.  He has said, however, that he needs a little more time, because there could be a million or two hard-core criminals… convicted murderers, rapists, armed robbers, and lawn mowers who cut too short… who may or may not be eligible for the fast track.

There is much to be done to open things up, and the President’s team is raring to go.  Meanwhile, the President is taking a nap.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and some are also classified as Fake News.

Bizarreville Nation,

The long-awaited book has arrived.  I Hate My Job is the latest novel from Bizarreville Press, featuring more business/social satire, and imbedded with our acclaimed zany cartoons.  It will make an excellent gift to a friend who may be less than 100% satisfied with their lousy job, their creepy coworkers, or their idiot boss.  It is an excellent read for people suffering from COVID-related job loss, or who have been forced to work from home without any real supervision… who have some spare time on their hands, and could use a lift-me-up.  As always, the book is available on Amazon, easily accessible by clicking the book cover in the right column that will take you to the exact site for simple ordering ——>

The President, in his inauguration speech, promised that his Administration would focus on Unity in mending the hard feelings from the campaign and election.  Many in the audience felt that this was one of the best inauguration speeches ever, as he recognized the deep divides, while also pointing out the enormous common ground that people shared.  For about 4 hours, one could feel real cohesion happening.

In keeping with his Unity theme, the President proceeded to head to the Oval Office, and signed 17 Executive Orders that showed his willingness to try to unify the Hard Left, the Staunch Left, and the Pretty-Dern Left factions.  But, unfortunately, things quickly started unraveling when he met with some of the various left-wing leaders.

His decision to stop the Mexican wall construction was objected to by the Hard Left, who wanted to blow up the 500 miles of recently-built wall.  The order to unblock to Muslim travel ban restriction was generally seen as favorable by all the groups.  However, some among the Staunch Left wanted to use the multitude of docked cruise ships to usher the Muslims into the country in a comfortable way, rather than having them rely on rafts or kayaks to travel here.

The President’s revoking of the Keystone Pipeline permit and putting moratoriums on oil/gas leases did not go nearly far enough for all the Left-wing groups, who wished to see a complete shutdown of all fossil fuel burners and an instant conversion to windmills.  The President asked them to give him a little time, but the leaders showed impatience, got a little unruly, and eventually had to be restrained by members of the Secret Service.

The moratorium on home evictions/foreclosures on a temporary basis was supported by the Pretty-Dern Left.  But the Hard Left and the Staunch Left wanted him to take one more step, and eliminate private property ownership altogether.  This ended up in a big debate, with the President finally agreeing on a compromise to put price controls on all forms of housing, and zero-percent mortgages for first-time buyers.

There is still much work to be done to coalesce all the key factions, and achieve Unity.  The President has recommitted to accomplishing this unity thing, as promised in his inaugural address, and believes it can all be done in the next 100 days.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and so are not to be considered Fake News.

The President-elect just announced his plans to staff a new cabinet-level position titled the Secretary of Hypocrisy and Double Standards.  This position will advise all cabinet members, government officials, and liberal members of Congress on the proper use of hypocrisy in all communications.  The Secretary will also oversee the management of all Double Standard legislation that is expected to be generated in the next 4 years.

2020 demonstrated an excellent use of hypocrisy by liberal leaders, especially in response to COVID restrictions.  The governor of California was seen mask-less in large gatherings, in spite of his proclamation that normal Californians were to fully lock down, and even cancel family get-togethers.  Speaker Pelosi was seen at her hairdresser, violating the state’s prohibitions on this activity.  Acts of violence in Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Minneapolis, and many other cities were strongly supported and encouraged by libs, legitimized because the burnings/lootings were all done for proper causes.  While these hypocritic acts were generally applauded by liberals in public statements, in private, they worried that many citizens might be unaware that government leaders were allowed to have “special passes.”  Clearly, hypocrisy rules need to be better communicated and tightly controlled in the near future.

The same is true on Double Standards.  Many citizens seem oblivious to the legitimacy of double standards.  They often mistakenly feel that what is improper on one side, should be improper on the other… not realizing the dire need to have different standards, depending on the importance of the cause.  Any cause related to giving certain oppressed groups special privileges, allowing illegal aliens to have better rights than citizens, or allowing criminals to go free if the prisons do not offer cable TV, Internet, and individualized personal trainers, for example, is to be granted Double Standard Exemption status.  And, there will be many other causes deserving a Double Standard Exemption, and some that are not deserving.  So, these cases must be managed… and this is why the new Cabinet position is necessary.

Opponents have been silent, realizing anything they say could cause their social media account to be blocked.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at the time of writing.

Liberal groups from around the country are pouring in millions of dollars to help get 2 unknown whack-jobs elected in the Georgia Senate runoff race.  Prior to November 3rd, no one had heard of these 2 radical numbskulls.  But now, because the two could make the difference in terms of who holds the majority in the Senate, the new love affair has erupted.  They have even become “best friends” with Obama.

Normally, Georgia would be an easy win for Republican Senate candidates, because of the conservative nature of voters there.  However, with recent strides by Democrats to fight against disenfranchisement of dead people, 17-year olds, ex-Georgians who moved out of state, illegal aliens, and phantom voters too lazy to get a picture ID, the vote is expected to be close.  Dems are taking no changes, however, and have enlisted ex-convicts to figure new ways to get phony mailed-in votes into the system, springing off how well they did this in November.  Hollywood millionaires have agreed to foot the bill for these scoundrels through Cuban bank accounts that they insist will be untraceable, even by Watergate-level investigative reporters.

Meanwhile, Georgia residents have been bludgeoned by a tsunami of boring political TV commercials, explaining why socialism isn’t so bad, why more taxes are so good, and why police should be defunded and replaced with kumbaya singing in all communities.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but some seem more real than others.

With the COVID crisis continuing, and cases on the rise, there is more reason than ever to shelter at home in front of a fire, and read a good book.  Or, in our case, read a crazy book.  Aren’t you ready for some humor and satire in your life right now?  There is only so much griping, whining, bellyaching, and grousing that the body can take.  It needs humor to balance out all the garbage and nonsense you get exposed to daily.

So, click on one of the book covers in the right column over there —>, and when your book arrives from Amazon, sit back, and have a little fun.  Will make you feel better until a vaccine arrives… maybe even after.

Ex-mayor and current President of Whack Jobs Anonymous Michael Bloomberg announced that he will pay the fines of 32 thousand convicted felons in Florida so they can vote in the upcoming Election.  The billionaire, with more money than brain cells, said that this is part of his decision to dump $100 million in the State of Florida to help pull Pathetic Joe’s campaign out of the mung pond.

Later, he said that he would also be providing these felons with free 3-day passes to Disney World and loan them tents to pitch out at the Disney Fort Wilderness Campground.  One group of felons asked if Bloomberg would spring for free bottles of wine, but the Whack Job President replied that they were on their own on the wine issue.

“I had to draw the line somewhere with these people.  Otherwise, next thing you know, they would be asking me for free condos on South Beach.  Hey, I want their vote… not a marriage proposal.”

Opponents argue that this process of essentially bribing people to get their vote is illegal, and the mere act of proposing it puts Bloomberg at risk of prosecution.  Bloomberg says he is not worried.  Even if he gets tossed in jail, he has sufficient connections with judges and wardens who are always looking for a little extra cash on the side.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are generally acceptable as Fake News.

Democrat leaders have finally concluded that Nancy Pelosi has completely flipped her lid, and have decided to commit her to a local DC insane asylum.  Two oversized behemoths showed up at her office to haul her away, as she was seen/heard kicking and screaming, “No Trump bodyguards are shutting me up, or locking me up.  My friends in the Illegal Alien Community will not let this stand!”

The latest tipping point occurred when Pelosi went ballistic over Trump’s announced plans to submit a Supreme Court nominee to replace Justice Ginsberg.  She threatened to initiate impeachment hearings immediately, if Trump proceeds with the nomination.  It is, of course, the President’s constitutional duty to make such a nomination.  But Pelosi claimed that this clause was yet another example of the numerous flaws in the Constitution.

Democrats, who have also spoken against Trump’s plan to announce a nominee, nevertheless felt that the impeachment threat was the clearest example of the Speaker’s mental derangement… an unfortunate deterioration in mental capacity that had begun when she ripped up the President’s State of the Union speech on live TV, and continued with her constant, obsessive whining, bellyaching, and overt displays of anger about everything the President did.  Democrat leaders feel that her latest crazy, bizarre behavior now puts the upcoming Election in Republican hands… unless she can be stifled.

Administrators at Kook City Rest Home indicate that they can keep her muzzled for 2 months, and far away from any cameras or microphones.  They have several “Happy Rooms” in back of the facility with freezers full of ice cream, and TV’s permanently tuned to Sesame Street.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound pretty darn real.

As Election Day approaches, many are concerned that the Democratic Nominee is exhibiting early stages of dementia.  At a recent campaign stop in Michigan, he fumbled through COVID statistics, at one point going totally incoherent, saying there were “6 thousand, 344 thousand, 700 positive cases in the US military, I mean the United States overall.”  It made people in his own Party extremely nervous about letting him out in public for the next 2 months.  House Speaker Pelosi went as far as to suggest cancelling the Presidential Debates, so that Joe doesn’t look like a complete moron on national TV.

DNC leaders, however, are not overly concerned.  They think that having a brain-impaired President who can be propped up in his chair as a non-functional figurehead may work to their advantage in executing their social revolution agenda.

“Let’s face it…leaders who are egomaniacs can be so difficult to work with,” one insider commented.  “They think they know it all, and are not good listeners.  Better to have a guy who mumbles to himself in the corner, so that the rest of us can get the country moving in the right direction.  Or (ha, ha) in the left direction, in our case.”

Still, Joe must make it through the Election.  Most Democrats don’t care if the citizens elect a candidate suffering from dementia or any other impairment, as long as it’s not Trump.  Hell, some were even so desperate that they wanted to nominate an avowed socialist, Crazy Bernie Sanders, and his platform to turn the USA into an oversized Cuba, albeit with better cars.  Even though Joe is no Bernie, his malady will allow the Marxist element to effectively run things in the White House, and get the country away from this darn free enterprise path, and onto a new, inspired road to social justice, income equality, and global re-cooling.

Opponents have suggested Biden receive a full medical exam prior to the Election, so that voters can know whether they are electing someone who could figure out what button to push in the event of a nuclear attack… hopefully not the one that orders cheesecake and a fresh latte from the White House butler.  Dems feel that an exam is unnecessary, since, according to them, a possibly-impaired Biden would still be better than a known-impaired Trump.  The fight goes on.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction… that’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.