bizarreville

Take a quick tour of The Obamanation by clicking on the “Tour Guide of The Obamanation” page tab up at the top of this page

The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>

The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.

Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter.  Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.

Yesterday, police were called to a scene on Bizarreville Boulevard where a crowd of angry geriatrics were protesting police discrimination against old people.  Some of the geezers were throwing rocks at windows, but the hurls were so weak that the rocks just meekly bounced off the glass without damage.

Protesters griped that they were constantly being harassed by cops just because of age.  One 90-year old said he was pulled over just because he was driving the wrong way down a 1-way street.  When he could not remember where he had put his drivers license or registration, he was instructed to get out of the car, then was threatened with having to go to the police station.

Others in the crowd agreed that they had been similarly harassed for piddly things like driving through a stop sign, ramming into a mailbox, or crossing over double yellow lines on high-speed highways.

“It’s profiling, plain and simple,” grunted one codger.  “Profiling.  And profiling is illegal.  And not only that, profiling is illegal.  Prorating…I mean, profaning…that is…hmmm, what was I talking about?”

One poor chap retold a story when he inadvertently wet his pants, and some of the fluid dripped onto a sidewalk.  A cop eating a damn doughnut nearby asked him to go over and stand in the grass until the dripping stopped, so that the sidewalk wouldn’t turn yellow.  Then he went back to eating his doughnut.  The old man was humiliated and outraged, and drew the ire of the rest of the protesters, many of whom had similar wetness stories that, up to now, they were reluctant to share.

Another said a cop gave him a hard time when he forgot to put on his pants before going on his morning walk along Main Street.  “I had my skivvies on.  There was nothing showing.  And yet, here was this cop deciding to pick on me for no good reason.”

One angry old man said he had gotten manhandled by a police officer just because he had mistakenly forgotten to pay his food tab at The Diner 3 or 4 times.  The cop forced him to go into the kitchen, and told him he was going to have to wash dishes…but backed-off when the old man pulled a C-note out of his wallet.  The cop refused to take it, but the old guy said it wasn’t for him…it was to pay the damn tab.  “See, there you go.  Another cop on the take.”  All the protestors nodded in agreement.

The rally broke up at 4:30, when they all said they had to leave and catch the Early Bird specials at their respective favorite eateries.  They said they would be back marching tomorrow, if nothing good was playing on TV.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but I’m guessing you already figured that out.

Be on the lookout:  The much awaited, much anticipated new book is soon to arrive:  The Obamanation, by Robert Thomas.  It is a futurescape novel that imagines what the country might be like after you-know-who’s successor takes office, featuring the same crazy satire and irreverent humor you would expect.  Should be listed on Amazon within the next day or two…still in time for a last minute stocking stuffer.

The Association of Punks, Thugs, and Hoodlums (APTH) has announced plans to file a discrimination lawsuit in the Bizarreville District Court.  For years, APTH has complained that they have been isolated from society, never considered an official “protected class”, and had to put up with disparaging joking from handicapped people, LGBT people, ethnic minorities, and others chiding them for their exclusionary status.  The joke has now gone too far, and APTH is going on the offensive.

The most recent incident that ignited the brouhaha was when 3 knife-wielding thugs got thrown out of Melford’s Bar for rabble-rousing, threatening customers, and failing to lift the seat on a family unisex restroom commode.  The bartender told them that they don’t serve punks like them, and promptly had the bouncers throw them out on their respective ears into the back alley.

“Punks like them?!?” a spokesman for APTH exclaimed.  “What does that nimrod bartender really mean when he says ‘Punks like them’?  What is he trying to say?  I’ll tell you what he’s trying to say.  He’s saying just because some booze pouring bozo does not like the look of a man’s knife sheath, or the colors of this tattoos all over his face, or maybe just his armpit smell…he thinks he has the right to discriminate.  Well, that should not and cannot be allowed to stand.”

During their interview, the 3 victims said that, in the past, they would have just started throwing chairs, overturned pool tables, tossed beer cans, and beat up a few arbitrary innocent patrons.  But that time has long since gone.  Now they prefer legal remedies.  One victim said he was going to hold-out for free drinks at that bar for a full year.  His thug buddy nudged him, and suggested he set his sights higher…three years…hell, why not four?

The owner of the bar said he was considering just converting the establishment into a sanctioned gay bar, where discrimination against all non-gays was perfectly acceptable and lawful.  He said he could no longer afford to pay for a lawyer who charges him $400 per hour, including the time he spends on his crapper, and needs to go to some kind of Plan B.

APTH attorneys agreed that Melford could employ the Gays Protection Law to keep his clients out of the bar…for now.  But he said that might be the next lawsuit in the works, where punks and bullies could once again be free to beat up anyone, no matter what their sexual orientation was.  Freedom is all they want.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

Northfunk Airlines announced yesterday, amid growing numbers of complaints from customers who are forced to sit next to obnoxiously fat people on flights, a new policy to deal with the obese.  The Northfunk airplanes have been internally modified to make the back two rows of seats extra wide for the 300-pounders who fly.  These seats, called the Fat Boy Specials, will be required seating for the enormous bulk set. defined as any passenger weighing more than 300 pounds.  A $75 surcharge will be assessed for these thick passengers occupying Fat Boy Specials.  Normal weight people will also be able to spend the $75 on the seats after all the chunksters have been seated, depending on availability.

The airline said that previous attempts to deal with fat people on a voluntary basis were unsuccessful.  The airline had asked obese riders to purchase two seats in the past, but none complied.  Fat passengers just bought a single seat, and let gravity take over.  The barrage of complaints from customers who were getting squished by rolls of sweaty fat spilling over their armrests, made the company decide to finally take action.  Weigh scales will be placed at the entry doors in their terminals.

The AFA immediately threatened to file a lawsuit, citing discrimination against the minority group of “hungry overeaters”, just because of their slow metabolism medical conditions.  A Northfunk spokesman said that they still want fat people to ride their planes, unless total weight limits are exceeded, or jetways are unable to support the weight.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…so far as we know.

This is the perfect time of year to find something out of the ordinary for stocking stuffing.  Choose the quintessential gift of satire:  Bizarreville Campfire Stories.  You can easily click on the book cover on the right to link to Amazon, or the B&N image to link to those folks.  Face it, the same old traditional stocking stuffers are not going to give you the Wow Factor, like the craziness of Bizarreville.  Do it today.

Attention Bizarreville nation……

Our new book has now been published…Bizarreville Campfire Stories.  This is a new book of 36 fun little stories, chock full of whimsy, hyjinx, and satire, with a splash of irreverent humor thrown in for good measure.  Here is just a quick sample of the stories:

Grabbing Karl is a story about a neo-socialist movement leader who travels back in time to grab Karl Marx and bring him to the 21st century to help launch his new movement.  Karl has interesting takes on social development over the past 150 years.

Nowhere is about a little town in need of federal funding to rebuild a bridge which is ready for collapse, poking a little fun at the dynamics between town leaders and their legislator who is not too keen on the idea of yet another bridge to nowhere.

Diary of a Recovering Tax-and-Spendaholic traces the writings of a poor legislator afflicted by this debilitating disease, as he desperately tries to figure out how to get his problem under control.

The Freeload Tree is the enchanting story of an amazing tree whose leaves perfectly resemble a 20-dollar bill, and takes us through the humorous outcomes as more and more of the public becomes aware of it.

The Unlevel Playing Field is the tale of a college football programs with a poor winning history coming up with a creative solution to improve their home field advantage.

The End of Customer Service is the story of the last company in the country that offered real customer service before introducing a brand new marketing strategy that revolutionized the industry in a different sort of way.

War Inc is an interesting business success story, as a young startup company tries to convince country after country to outsource their war business to seasoned pros, but then gets unexpectedly ambushed by a war discounter.

Revenge of Ponzi is the tale of Fred Ponzi who is fed up with people making jokes about his name, and decides to turn the tables.

There are 28 more amazing, bizarre, zany stories like these.  Great gift idea.  Get a jump on holiday shopping.  You can order Bizarreville Campfire Stories today at Amazon…for a couple weeks, Amazon is offering an introductory discount on the book, so act now.  You will love it.  We will put a link to Amazon on our website soon, but for now, just go on Amazon and put the book title in the search block.

When the President instructed all citizens to jump off the Fiscal Cliff, Johnnie was reluctant.  He had been a staunch supporter of the Chief Exec, even voted for him in the November election.  He particularly liked the way the President said he was going to go after those nasty rich guys who had good jobs but were not paying their fair share of taxes.  Johnnie knew that those guys were going to have to jump off an even bigger, steeper cliff.  And, well, it served them right for being so damn greedy.  But as Johnnie approached the precipice, he began to wonder…began to question this brand of leadership:  trust me, I’ve got your back.  Johnnie looked around and did not see anyone with a life line that would take care of his back, his front, or any other body part for that matter.

Johnnie had been watching the TV news.  His favorite station, Channel 7 Marxwitness News, had interviewed a left-leaning senator who confidently explained that it was not really a fiscal “cliff”, more of a fiscal playground slide.  “Well then why do they call it a cliff, if it’s only a slide” he thought.  “And why, when I look down this fall-off does it look like I will need an EMT squad when I hit bottom?”

He inched forward, loosening a few pebbles that tumbled down the cliff…bouncing along on the jagged rocks until they finally launched themselves for uninterrupted treks to the bottom.  Is that how he would tumble…carom off a few rocks, causing some minor bruises and lacerations before being pushed away from the rocky surface for the bullet train to the bottom?  Or would he snowball down the cliff, painfully tumbling round and round like some Hanna Barbera cartoon character?

Johnnie backed away for a minute.  He began to wonder why it was necessary that he jump off the cliff.  After all, he had done nothing wrong, nothing unscrupulous.  Well, there was that one time that he padded his expense account on that training trip…but he would gladly refund the $3.50 now to avoid this calamity.  His neighbor Fred was a lot more unscrupulous.  Fred even lied on his resume about that time he got canned…said it was his own decision to leave the company.  Baaah, he was drop-kicked like a worn-out rugby ball.  He ought to be jumping off the cliffs of Dover.

Then he remembered the President’s speech last week, explaining how jumping was everyone’s patriotic duty.  Johnnie, if nothing else, was certainly a patriot.  He knew he could never go back into town and have everyone accuse him of being an unpatriotic piece of chicken crap.  It would be a life of shame, hiding from ridicule and finger-pointing of fellow citizens…turning away from the whispers and head shakes from friends who thought they knew him better…being uninvited to Thanksgiving football watching by embarrassed family members.  Being called a Jumpless Wonder.  No, that would never do.

Johnnie looked down the face of the cliff one more time.  Hey, he thought… he might just get a little banged-up, but come out surviving.  He could buy himself a tee-shirt proudly saying “I survived the Fiscal Cliff jump”.  He could wear that shirt to Thanksgiving Day football next year.

He gulped hard, inched a little bit forward…a little more…a teensy bit more.  Then the alarm went off.

The Presidential Insurance Company is offering a brand new policy to its clients and prospective customers, called the Universal No Fault Insurance Policy.  They expect hundreds of thousands of customers will sign up for this new creative offering, which they plan to offer at highly discounted rates for a limited time.

The policy will offer No Fault protection for any of the policyholder’s screwups, negligence, acts of willful omission, or knuckleheaded blunders…no matter who is truly to blame for the problem.  Even if the holder messes up really bad, Presidential will make him/her whole, either with monetary payouts or valid certificates of blamelessness.  Most compensation instruments will be of this latter form:  a signed, stamped, and notarized “Get Out of Blame” sheepskin which the holder can frame on a wall or keep secure with important papers in a lock box.  Presidential says that it can fax or FedEx the Blameless documents within 12 to 24 hours, but can also offer a bonefide certified Blameless text message immediately if the holder secures a Smartphone App.

For a slight additional cost, the policy holder can designate a universal blamee, who would then be the recipient of all blame, no matter whether he/she was involved or even knowledgable of any of the blaming event elements.  Some school children have asked if they could specify the Dog as a universal blamee for things like homework failures, food disappearances, or spots on the rug…the Insurance company has responded:  most definitely, yes.  The universal blamee option gives the holder a solid blamement alternative which in many cases may work better than the generic No Blame Whatsoever option, which can often leave the Accuser unsatisfied.

How does it all work?  Every event is entered into the Presidential computer, and a sophisticated algorithm connects the event with the univeral blamee, and designates an appropriately chosen cause/excuse.  It sounds difficult, but the program has been refined with artificial stupidity to make it function perfectly every time.  In the dog example, the computer software is loaded with a variety of doggie bodily functions to make the problematic event sound correct.  And remember, each excuse if professionally certified and authorized.

Presidential encourages customers to order quickly to receive the discounted rate.  Website readers can get an additional 10% discount by typing “Blame Bush” in the upper right corner box.  Order now.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as if you didn’t already know that.

As we get ready for the 2012 ELECTION season, we will be hearing volumes of rhetoric  criticizing opponents and promising undeliverable ideas.  As you become overwhelmed with this nonsense, you may find that you have a thirst for fine POLITICAL SATIRE to help balance things out.  And there is no better antidote than TALES OF OBAMALAND.  Click on a link in the sidebar and have some fun –>  Give it to a buddy as a gift.

Forget the alarm clock signalling you to climb out of your warm sack to go to ShlumpMart to buy something you really didn’t think you wanted.  No, no.  Buy something you really always wanted…TALES OF OBAMALAND. Get in the election year spirit, with a little sarcasm and satire.  Buy your copy today…it’s waiting for you —->

If you are enjoying these Obamanomics Lessons, please consider buying our book, TALES OF OBAMALAND, chock full of little stories and fables from a Land not so far away.  Just click on one of the e-retailer links in the right column—>   and support the Bizarreville nation.  Great Christmas gift for someone who could use to lighten up a bit when it comes to political discourse, and put things into perspective.  It’s a much better gift than a polka-dot tie, fruit cake, or toe ring.