bizarreville

Investigations have concluded on the recent flub-up of the Bizarreville Secret Service to properly protect Ronald Harump as he spoke at his political rally.  As you know, Mr. Harump was shot in the ear as he was campaigning to become the next Mayor.  The Secret Service agents assigned to protect Mr. Harump were busy playing euchre when the assailant popped Mr. Harump.  One agent said he would have been watching more closely, but he had just been dealt 2 jacks and lost concentration for a minute.  His captain has said that that could happen to anyone who looked at his hand after receiving 2 jacks.

Many Harump supporters are blaming Mayor Badoinker for taking a lackadaisical approach to protecting a candidate from a rival party.  They call for the firing of the Secret Service agency and replacing them with a secret service outfit that is more competent, and a company where people have at least a high school diploma.

“Why should we expect the Secret Service people to have a higher intelligence level than the people who they are protecting?” the Mayor snarked back, even though he knows that Harump has a couple college degrees and a track record of finagling and shmoozmanship.

The Mayor knows, however, that he will face considerable backlash.  After all, the shooter was wearing a green and orange jumpsuit, and a cowbell as he climbed on top of the nearby building, then was seen doing the macarena as he sauntered across the roof.  He was even using his assault rifle as a dance partner.  It gives the distinct impression that the Secret Service agents were under orders from the Mayor to ignore any threats stemming from left-wing jailbirds, anti-Harumpers, or bad dancers.

Candidate Harump is expected to fully recover from the shooting, although the top of his ear my remain malformed.  His staff is not concerned because Harump can always grow his hair longer and cover up the disfigured ear.  But Harump himself says he may just keep the injured ear apparent, so that citizens can see what the Mayor and his incompetent bozos did to him.  When Harump suggested he may put a sign on his back with an arrow pointing to the ear, and sarcastically saying, “Thanks for this, Mayor,” his staff advised that was a little over the top.

Here are a few open mic excerpts as Candidate Ferris practiced her rally speech during a recreational afternoon break:

“I never asked a murderer or a burglar who I was prosecuting as a District Attorney whether he was a Democrat or a Republican.  I only asked him if he was comfortable, needed a pillow, or a bottle of Fuji water while he was sitting in those hard chairs in the courtroom, wearing his itchy prison garb.  And I never asked an illegal alien climbing under a fence whether she was Democrat or Republican.  I only asked her if I could call her an Uber to take her to a nice hotel in Funkytown paid for by the government… maybe call Taco Bell to get her a couple chimichangas for the ride… hey, maybe even sneak her a pint of tequila out of my personal stash.  You see, that’s the difference between my opponent and me.  I want to show compassion, no matter who you are.  My opponent only shows compassion if you’re a billionaire golfer-type.  I mean, I like billionaires, too, but I usually go for the non-golfer types and treat them to an afternoon tea service and a game of croquet.  I try to keep the Press out of those meetings so that I maintain my image of mostly just supporting the dirt bags of society.  They’re the ones I’m going to give tax breaks to… even though they technically don’t pay any taxes.  May be tough to pull that off.  Perhaps just give them a free backyard croquet set and call it Even.”

Sam Shlubby, the owner and general manager of Shlubby’s Supermarket, has announced a new store policy, in response to customer complaints about the long lines at the checkout counter.  Shlubby’s Supermarket will only accept Food Stamps for the purchase of healthy, generic grocery items.  Sam feels this will cut down on the number of Food Stamp customers checking out with carts heaping with junk food that slows the whole process.  Sam reminds us that the original purpose of the Food Stamp program was to prevent poor, unmotivated people from starving to death… not to load up on nacho-flavored taco chips, Pepsi products, lobster tails, beef jerky, Twinkies, and Ding Dongs.  His new policy will zip the Food Stampers through the checkout lanes much faster, and provide less of an irritation to cash buyers who have, generally speaking, had to work to pay the grocery bill.

Critics point out that, with this speedy checkout process, cash customers will have less time to peruse the tabloid magazines, chewing gum displays, cheese doodles, pork rinds, lip balm, Payday bars, and other impulse items stacked and piled-up at the checkout counter.  These, of course, are high-profit items for the store, and never included on anyone’s grocery list ahead of time.  Sam says that if the lines move too quickly, he can always shut down a lane or two, and lay off those workers.  It’s a balancing act.

Sam says that the other benefit of the policy is to move those low-end, generic grocery items better.  Discerning buyers have tended to ignore the SamCo hamburger buns, the SamCo olives, the SamCo chicken thighs, and the SamCo canned spaghetti, opting for the name brands instead.  “Now, we will have a captive audience for our slow-moving generic brands, so that we don’t have to throw the stuff out after they sit on the shelf for 6 or 7 months,” Sam says.

Mr. Shlubby expects to hear bellyaching from Food Stampers who say they’ve already been stopped from buying cigarettes, dope, box wine, and Old Cleveland whiskey with the Stamps.  They will claim discrimination, racism, anti-Semitism, homophobia, hobophobia, fashion prejudice, or whatever the phobia-du-jour is popular at the time.  Sam just hopes that, if they do protest, they keep their clothes on.  He doesn’t want to gross-out the cash customers.

Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has thrown her hat into the ring to run for Mayor in the upcoming election.  Most voters are surprised that she plans to run, considering her abysmal performance as Vice-Mayor, one of the worst, most lackadaisical efforts in the City’s history.  There are 6,713 candidates who are better qualified, according to Party members.  Nevertheless, she believes she can fool the voting public by using TV commercials to make it look like she actually did something while in office… such as reducing Insulin costs at Herb’s Drug Store.

Her biggest challenge will be to answer why so many bums, vagrants, and hobos have illegally immigrated into the City.  The Mayor had put Ferris in charge of securing the City Outskirts to limit the bum influx, maybe even considering building a wall.  But Ferris never took that role seriously, and actually encouraged bum migration by offering them free begging pans, and dry-erase boards for their “No job, No home, No hope” signs… as long as they would just promise to vote Democrat.

Rumors are that Ferris has a soft spot for vagrants.  Early in her life, when attending Law School, she allegedly slept with a number of hobos at their encampments in the trainyard.  They say that she would help cook roasted squirrel over the campfire, before hitting the sack with Boxcar Bruno or Shifty McSnuff.  There she learned how to be empathetic to society’s underbelly… literally walking in their shoes… when she would trade shoes with other girls in the hobo camp.  Ferris has denied these stories, saying, “I’ll say this again.  I did NOT have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Boxcar Bruno.  These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the Bizarreville people.”  Could be a plagiarism charge there.

Over Fumblina’s objections, Mayor Badoinker recently moved most of the City’s bum population to the Downtown Orphanage, in order to provide the children with a parent-figure, as well as cleaning up the messy streets.  Ms. Ferris fought to allow the vagrants to keep their independence and freedom.  But critics say she only fought this because of the restrictive visitation policies at the Orphanage.

The Bizarreville Transportation Authority (BTA) is in the process of citing the NPC media with reckless endangerment, which could put some of their top executives in prison for up to 10 years.

As everyone knows, the NPC media is comprised of all the left-wing nitwit news agencies such as NBC, CBS, NPR, CNN, and others who have all adopted a practice of regurgitating the same old sorry talking points in their newscasts, and boring people to sleep.  The danger arises when citizens are driving their cars, riding their bicycles, mowing their lawns, or walking across the street, and suddenly doze off from the monotonous drones from the NPC’s.  387 people have been injured this year, some very seriously, while listening to the treacherous dullness.

The NPC media members have been warned in the past to place a disclaimer at the beginning of every boring newscast, warning that the contents can cause drowsiness, and listeners should not operate any heavy equipment.  But, because no one enforces the rules, the laws are ignored.  The NPC media continues their dusty speech reruns, with no concern for the damage they are doing, especially to the soft-skulls in their listening audience.

The BTA will put a quick stop to the madness and force all media outlets to become at least semi-interesting, or spend time in the clink.  They say they are tired of pussyfooting around with these brainless wonders, and plan to hold them accountable to coming up with creative material that uses no cliches, no rehashed buzzwords, no worn-out phrases of sheer nothingness.

A media insider has revealed that these expectations will be difficult, if not impossible, to meet.  The major media companies have stopped hiring reporters and correspondents with any inkling of intelligence in order to save money.  Instead, they have staffed-up with robot-like message regurgitators trained to follow orders.  But they are hoping that Artificial Intelligence will bail them out, if they can ever figure out how to get the damn thing to work.

Bizarreville Press has just released its latest book of fresh satire and fun… Carafe Half Full.  This book is a sequel to Recorked, and it takes the reader on a fun, adventurous trip through wine country as our beloved characters continue to explore the deliciousness of wines.  This book is a bit different, however, as our hero Mike begins to develop a romantic relationship with fellow wine lover Carly.  It is written first-person from Mike’s standpoint, so we get to see all of Mike’s emotions, excitements, confusions, insecurities, and sarcastic wise-cracking along the path.  You will love it.  Check it out on Amazon by clicking on the book cover in the right column —–>

The Chairman of the 1st Bizarreville Bank, Jay Foul, says that he is NOT going to reduce interest rates, in spite of the continuing good news that Inflation is steadily declining.  Jay says that the Bank has a rich history of waiting until the economy turns into spoiled tuna salad before acting to help.  When asked when the Bank WILL begin dropping rates, he responded, “Smell the tuna, and you’ll know.”

The higher interest rates have all but killed the housing market, especially for low and middle-income people who must obtain highly leveraged mortgages.  These people have begun calling Mr. Foul an Uncle Tom, but it has had little effect on him.  The fact is, Foul has an actual Uncle Tom who once bought him a lime-green 10-speed bicycle for Christmas.  So, he has a fondness for the name, reminiscing about that joyful Christmas morning every time he hears someone shout out, “You’re an Uncle Tom!”  Often, he’ll reply: Thank you.

Some of the Bank’s Board of Directors are splitting-off from Foul’s tough stance, and are openly communicating to the media about their disagreement.  Foul has told them that if they don’t like his policy, to go buy a Bitcoin.  That kind of hateful rhetoric is never appropriate in an esteemed financial institution like 1st Bizarreville Bank.  One Director responded back, “Yeah, well I hope one of your depositors comes into your bank with a thousand pennies.”  See, that’s hitting below the belt.

Meanwhile, the Economy is smelling tuna-ish, with Unemployment numbers rising, consumer spending declining, and credit card defaults spiking up.  Normally, these factors would indicate a Recession is on its way.  But Foul says he’s still having to wait in long lines in the checkout lane at the grocery store, so the Economy can’t be that bad.  When one reporter suggested that the long lines could be caused by the grocery store manager laying off some of their checkout employees, Foul said he doesn’t subscribe to conspiracy theories like that, at least until they make a movie about them.

“If I go to the movie theater and see the mobsters who took out Lee Harvey Oswald working a scheme to eliminate grocery store clerks, then I’ll be a believer.”  Foul then smirked at the reporter, implying he was jacking with him.  The reporter then whispered, “I hope that clerk gives you the wrong change.”  Lot of anger out there.

It’s finally come out.  Mayor Badoinker has dementia.  Yes, it’s true.  His closest Aides have been refusing to admit it, claiming the 3-minukte lapse in his recent debate against Challenger Harump was just a reminiscing episode of when he drove for Penske in the Indy 500.  Of course, he never drove for Penske in the Indy 500, never drove any kind of race car, never actually drove a car sportier than the AMC Gremlin GT that he won in a poker tournament.  At least, that’s where he said he won the Gremlin.  Other sources claim he won the Gremlin as 3rd prize at a church raffle.

Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has said that she never suspected that the Mayor was experiencing any sort of scatterbrain malfunction.  And she meets with him every day.  She says that Mayor Badoinker will often spout-off long strings of gibberish, but she was thinking that was normal lib-speak.  Besides, she normally nods off and does not pay 100 percent attention to him during his drifty rambles.  Ferris says that he would always speak 4 or 5 words that made sense, so she kinda/sorta knew what he was trying to say.  She uses the same approach when listening to her husband.

The Mayor’s personal doctor was asked why he did not disclose Badoinker’s malady.  The doctor said that he DID disclose it… to the Mayor himself.  But, most likely, the Mayor forgot it by the time he left the room.

Many people have said that they could tell that the Mayor was having health issues.  They say they noticed he had been losing weight and stuffing pillows under his shirt to disguise the weight-loss.  Most observers could spot the pillow buttons popping through the shirt, a dead giveaway.

Badoinker has so far refused to withdraw from the upcoming election race.  He says that the Drug companies are brewing-up new concoctions all the time, and figures they’ll cook-up some sort of elixir by home stretch time.  He says if he can get his brain working at 30 to 40 percent, that should be good enough for any politician.  After all, we’re not talking about a NASA rocket builder here.  Not even talking about a Lego rocket builder.

His Party members are worried that voters will abandon him if he trips coming out of the limousine and falling flat on his face one more time.  A senior member recently tried to convince him to bow-out, but he said that he has forgotten how to bow.

“No, Sir, I meant drop out of the race,” the Party official said.

“Am I running a 5K or 10K race?  And can someone grab me a water bottle?” the Mayor asked.

“No, Sir, you are not in an actual running race.  You’re sitting here at your desk.”

“How did I place?  Did I win?  You know, I used to be an Olympic marathon runner.  Won about 3 gold medals and 2 Bronzes.  The Bronzes would have been Gold, except some runner from Canada stepped on my foot.  Those darn Cheeseheads.”

“Cheeseheads are people from Wisconsin, Sir.”

“Is that what we’re having for lunch?  Sounds delicious.”

The Bizarreville blog will be transitioning back to our original concept of telling fun, humorous stories with crazy characters from the whimsical Village of Bizarreville.  We hope that you enjoy the satire.  And please support us by buying our books on Amazon by merely clicking on the book covers on the right ——>

This will allow us to keep taxes low in Bizarreville.

Sincerely,

The Bizarreville Street Sweeper

Now that Kamala is the presumptive Democratic nominee for President, the Democrat Party leaders are wondering how to spin her.  After all, she amassed the worst record as a Vice President since Spiro Agnew.  Her one major work assignment, to fix the southern border crisis, was a legendary screw-up, with millions and millions of illegal aliens flooding into the country under her watch.  Many feel, with her as President, that Putin will invade New Mexico, set up his own gambling casinos, while shutting down the Indian casinos.

Party leaders are certain they can put lipstick on any barnyard animal and can turn Kamala’s pathetic approval ratings into golden McNuggets.  All Democrat party members have been instructed to put on the “Love Kamala” face pronto, or risk being rebranded as a bigoted MAGA, and find a space under the bus.  And, they better jump on the Socialism bandwagon if they want to live in a nice tenement apartment after the revolution, get priority when standing in bread lines, and receive allocations of the better vodkas.

Senior leaders are not worried.  They were able to convince 80 million citizens to vote for Old Drifty Head last time, so should be able to rope them in for Comrade Kamal this go around.

Disclaimer:  stories in Bizarreville are fiction-ish.

Many Democrats are hanging tough, supporting President Dead Head, after his debate train wreck last week.  The President was unable to answer a single question coherently, claiming that he did not get enough sleep the night before.  Most bystanders said it looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep for about 3 years, and could probably use a 4-year rest.

Senior Democrats disagree, however.  They point out that glibness is way overrated, and intelligence makes leaders feel like they are Mister Know-it-Alls.  “Give me a stumbling, bumbling bozo any day of the week,” one anonymous spokesman said.  “And you’ll have a President who is not argumentative when we tell him to shut up and just sign stuff.  Look at our opponent who is running for President.  He will argue and pester you to death, demanding all kinds of information before he signs one lousy Executive Order.  Drive you nuts.”

Many Independents who had been leaning toward voting for Biden are now saying they cannot vote for someone so mentally diminished.  They say they would face too much ridicule at neighborhood picnics, if they ever admitted voting for such an empty head.  For those who can’t seem to push the lever for Trump, they say they will stay home and watch Wheel of Fortune reruns.

All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until they become true.

Bizarreville Press has published its latest bit of satirical brilliance, titled “Joe Stalin in the ‘Burbs’.  The story imagines Joe being transported from the 1940’s to present times and trying to figure out how to adapt to a suburban lifestyle with the wife and kids.  Needless to say, the despicable murderer/dictator encounters a variety of challenges as he gets invited to a neighbor’s potluck party, and gets pressured on how to properly mow his lawn.  He establishes a forge shop to produce swords, battle axes, and machetes, but soon realizes that demand for these wartime instruments is very slow.  Reluctantly, he decides to convert his operation to producing low-end golf clubs.

It’s a fun read for peasants and normal people alike.  Click on the book cover on the right to order from Amazon. ——>