Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘cramer’

Crazy Money host says sell, buy, sell, buy

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June 23rd, 2011 Posted 2:28 am

Sure, sure, sure, the Economy is in the toilet…high-flowing unemployment, constipated GDP growth, housing taking continuous enemas (Beep, beep), Weiner’s weiner getting headline news (honk).  Jason Shlepberd at Mungtown Associates telling you to bale now and stick it all in gold, ammunition, MR freeze-dried burger meals, and TP futures.  Should you do it…well should you (quack, quack)?

crazy moneyYes, absolutely…Jason are you listening to me?  Go, go now…before the snow-covered stadium collapses on your hypodermic needle-size noggin (crash).  And while you’re loading up your fallout shelter with sanitary napkins, consider buying this:  Undertakers WorldGroup.  Your buddies at Flunkster Munkster Corp have poo-pooed UWG for the past 8 months, due to their lack of earnings in a business that “the dumbest person in the history of Bizarreville should be able to figure some way to make money, or at least break-friggin-even” (ching, ching).  Hey, friends, I know the CEO, who has shared with me his “Corpse to Life” turnaround plan.  Includes cost containment measures such as more extensive use of recycling.  Pull out your January 2012 calendars, and mark it down:  $51/share, 40% gain from now.  Let’s go to the phones.

Booya, Jim.  Should I sell or hold my Fartgas Partners stock, now that the Chief Financial Officer has admitted to embezzlement, fraud, and inappropriate contact with his male admin?

Sell?  Are you serious?  Sell?  This company is poised for triple digit growth now that the Department of Energy has approved its product for use as a natural gas substitute in Power plants and industrial applications (pfffffttt).  That CFO?  I’ve known he was some kind of pervert for 18 months.  Probably been sniffing too much of their product in the test lab.  They’ll fire him, and hire some non-perv by next Thursday.  Let’s see…FGP was down 6 bucks in yesterday’s trading.  Listen, I’d be loading up on it, wheelbarrows full of Fartgas…maybe hot air balloons full.  Hey…possible product line extension!  You heard it here first, Mr. Fartgas.  I expect some royalty checks…next caller.

What are your thoughts on DTJ, Dialtone Jones…that company that makes those clunky, enormous cell phones that were popular 15 years ago?  Stock is selling for about 13 cents right now.

I’d wait till it goes down to a dime, then buy it like a grammaw at her last garage sale (boingggg).  Those big-ass phones are starting to come back…sorta retro fashion statement.  Saw one guy last week using one that had a rotary dialer on it.  Classic, sheer classic masterpiece (dit, dit, dit, dit, dit).  Listen, when they turn the corner on this retro market, they’ll start making serious money, shaky hand over trembling fist.  All their buildings and equipment are paid for.  They’ve reduced staff down to about 11 fat guys and a truck…at minimum wage and minimum maintenance, respectively.  Nothing but upside, my friend.  If it goes down to a nickel, remortgage your house, and load up on it like a 3rd trip to the carved beef line at the Golden Corral buffet.

That’s all the time we have.  See you next time on Crazy Money.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the business-oriented ones.