bizarreville

Bizarreville Studios has just announced plans to begin shooting a new movie in Washington, DC.  The movie will be another sequel to the Dumb & Dumber comedy series, with the working title “Dumbest, Period.”  PR people at the studio say that it will be the funniest yet, with hijinx and situational bizarrity galore.

The script, which is still in development with new hiliarious vignettes being written every day from real-life antics, will be about the Obama administration fumbling around with new programs, rules, and pronouncements out the ying-yang, but they never quite figure out that the real problem is Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.  Early in the movie, there will be a precious situation when the EPA Secretary tries to convince the President they will create 100 thousand new jobs with the so-called Cap&Tax program by increasing paperwork, permits, stupid reports, and general red tape.  Laughs become side-splitting as former productive factory workers stumble along trying to fill-out meaningless paperwork with work gloves on.

Then, the Treasury Secretary persuades the Cabinet that increasing taxes will increase jobs…by intentionally overcomplicating the Tax Code, eliminating those bothersome Short forms, so that no one can fill out their own taxes.  Hilarity is in abundance as regular Joes cuss, kick doors, and pee on the new forms before they finally throw in the towel.

But the best part of the story is when advisors keep telling the President that he should focus on Jobs…and within minutes, he develops temporary amnesia and keeps forgetting and forgetting.  His Aides have him write down “Jobs” on a piece of paper, but he keeps losing the paper.  Then he writes “Jobs” on his palm…but when he reads it back, he thinks it says “Joes” , and goes out for a seafood dinner.  Comedy hits its climactic peak when a football stadium full of people chant: “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, but the poor President thinks they are saying “Slobs, slobs, slobs” and just gets pissed.  The team on the field finally runs up to his box and dumps a bucketload of Gatorade on his head, as the scoreboard reads: It’s the Jobs, Stupid!!  And everyone ends up dancing on the field to the final song:  Take this job and shove it. 

Casting is well underway.  The Casting Director is looking for specific types of actors who can not only act dumb, but also just look dumb with a funny dumbness air about them…kind of like a 1950’s Jerry Lewis look.  The Director would like to hire some of the real officials in the administration for some of the parts, because clearly they possess the skills and personal attributes they’re looking for…and would be perfect in the roles.

The movie has a fairly small budget, but no matter:  They just plan to overrun it.  Would you expect anything less?

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously.  Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives.  Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.

Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing.  The big banks have helped the President’s case  by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry.  The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact.  Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.

The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion.  The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant.  There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay.  The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats.  By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.

But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery.  One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation.  Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets.  But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size.  When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!”  The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.

Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape.  “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said.  “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.” 

It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

The Bizarreville International Cliche Association has voted “The Buck Stops Here” as the winner of the most ambiguous, wimpified cliche of 2010.  Association Chairman Max Mumpf admitted  that the President’s applying the cliche recently to the Christmas Underwear Bomber followup fiasco was the clincher.  The “Wimpy” trophy will be awarded at a special Rose Garden ceremony next week.

Last year’s winning cliche, as most will recall, was “Give it 110 percent”.  This cliche was hailed for the beauty in its ambiguity…concerning what numerical value constituted Full Effort by an employee.  It was beautiful to watch the judges debating, some thinking 110 percent was more than full effort, while some thought it was less than full effort.  It was also given a Special Award as the most de-motivating little phrase of the past 100 years. 

The Buck Stops Here is a famous cliche that goes back to the Truman administration, where it was used to denote that passing the buck (or blame for a bad decision) would end with Truman.  During those times, however, its context would have much too tough-minded, not nearly wet & wimpy enough to be a finalist for the Cliche Assn award.  The committee took into consideration that President Obama has personally redefined this formerly tough, historically-significant cliche and turned it into a milk toast of total ambiguity and confusion.  That made it a clear winner in the 2010 competition.

The judges noted that the President further ambiguated the cliche by making totally vague what the word “here” meant.  They were particularly impressed because normally the word Here is clear, straight-forward, and so difficult to make ambiguous.  Here is here, right here. “It takes a real silver-tongued devil to say Here, and mean ‘maybe here, maybe there, maybe Timbuktu, maybe nowhere’,” said the head judge.  “Most impressive bit of word-dodging since Clinton’s ‘depend on what the definition of is is’ fiasco.  Brilliant.  Bravo.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the crazy ones that sound like they could be real.