bizarreville

Members of Congress were invited down to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Most members had thought that the purpose of the trip was to make a full assessment of the crisis, so they could report back to their constituents that solid action steps were underway to correct the problem.  Turns out, that was half right.

The full truth was that they were going down to actually be part of the solution.  A prestigious Bizarreville engineering firm, Shmedlock Partners LLC, came up with an ingenious soluton to stop the leaking oil.   They determined that if they could harness a high volume of excessively hot air, channel it into the broken pipeline through a specially designed nozzle, they could boil the oil, turning it into a gas.  Then with a separate pipeline under vacuum and a separator, they could extract the petroleum in gas-form, evaporate it on the ship, and load it onto an oil tanker.

The challenge, of course, was where to find a sufficient source of very hot air to make the process work.  That’s when young engineer, Jimbo Milkfard, suggested using Congress.  Principals in the engineering firm were surprised and excited about the brilliance in this young man’s elegant, simple solution to such a complex problem.

“The combination of the warm, humid ambient air and the high-volume of hot air coming out of legislator pie-holes is more than enough to boil the oil,” said Milkfard who had just completed the energy calculations.  “We may have to keep them on the mother ship for a few weeks until the situation stabilizes…may have to keep them there indefinitely.”

Preliminary polls taken of public reaction show overwhelming support of this idea.  “It’s a tradeoff,” said one anonymous citizen.  “One one hand, you have a solution that will clearly protect the environment, saving millions of birds and fish, and protecting vulnerable sea shores from long-term devastation.  On the other hand, we could have these blowhards stay in the Capital discovering and implementing new ways to waste our money.  Hmmmm…tough choice.”

Some congress people have belly-ached about this not-quite-voluntary effort to actually do something about the crisis, saying that they have lots of paperwork and other work to do.  The military has been brought in to help escort the feet-draggers down to the Gulf coast, and load them onto the boat.  One freshman congressman argued that he hadn’t been in congress long enough to develop a strong source of hot air.  But he was put on the boat anyway.  “Every BTU helps,” said the boat captain.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Click over to the Simpli-Tax saga, as the story heads down the home stretch, and the momentum favors our courageous CPA’s out to kill any form of tax simplification.  And also don’t forget to click on Tales Of Obamaland, for more satire from the world of Bizarreville. —————>

The Bizarreville Congress is in the process of passing a sweeping new bank bill in the wake of the financial crisis that almost took Bizarreville down to its knees.  In point of fact, Bizarreville was pretty much already down to its knees, but the financial meltdown took it down to around the ankle region.

The new bill would create new oversight agencies, a process to split up “too big to fail” banks, impose new limits on derivative trading, reform rating agencies, and offer a new Consumer Protection bureau to enforce rules on various ripoffs.

This last item seems to have created the most resistance.  Shmeldnik Easy Ripoff Loan Company spokesman Elmer Shmeldnik was vociferously opposed to the new bill, and spoke out in front of the Sports stadium yesterday.  He said that he had no problem smacking around those big ornery banks with their fancy offices and obnoxious bonuses…suggesting that they may need to draw and quarter a few of them.

But he was very upset about hammering the “little guy”, an interesting play on words since Shmeldnik is only about 5 feet tall.  He argued that the small businesses of Bizarreville are just trying to make a quick buck, and it is just not fair tightening the nuse on the building blocks to Bizarreville commerce like this.  He claimed that his 38 percent loans help many specialized  business owners bridge short-term cash shortage situations, thus keeping them alive when otherwise they might fold.  And his private heavy hand security force provides dozens and dozens of jobs to guys with no  education whatsoever who have been basically unable to work in many other parts of the economy.

Many in Congress are listening to Shmeldnik and others as they work their way through the process.

The Post Office, earlier this month, had announced a dismal future outlook for their agency.  Coming off a $3.9 billion loss in 2009, with $10 billion debt on their books, they reported that their old operating paradigm was no longer working.  Even though they had cut 40 thousand employees and planned another 50 thousand in cuts along with drastic scalebacks in retiree health coverage, the future still looks grim.  Unless they change, they could be looking at $238 billion in losses in the next 10 years, Post office officials said.  Earlier they had paid McKinsey & Company $4.8 million to conduct a consulting study to forecast the outlook and suggest a workable scenario.  The big-time consulting company took the money, spent about 14 minutes looking at their books, and gave them a 1-page report saying “You Suck”.

Yesterday, the Post Office finally delivered the news many were expecting.  They are going to totally cease operations.  The venerable Office which was founded over 230 years ago by Ben Franklin has been unable to make a go of it for at least 100 years, but has managed to hold on only through the generosity of the nation’s taxpayers footing the bill.  Officials said that it’s time to fold the tent.

As most know, much of the traditional mail has become obsolete with the advent of electronic mail and information transfer.  Greeting cards can now more effectively be sent to friends and family electronically, and avoid the cumbersome task of going to the gift store to pore through hundeds and hundreds of boring cards, in search of the one card that is least boring.  The only major items being now sent by snail mail are bills and junk mail.  Bill senders have informed their clients that they will be going 100% electronic.  So now, the only issue is the junk mail.

A consortium of waste management companies has banded together to offer a service to continue some form of junk mail delivery.  They reported that junk mail represents about 40% of their trash business by tonnage, and continuing the flow of this volume is critical to their survival.  They have developed some synergies which will help the whole process become more efficient, primarily by placing the junk mail deliveries into a new slot to be added in their customer garbage containers.  By adding this convenient feature, the customer will not even have to read the junk mail, just flip a small lever and the junk will automatically fall right into the canister.  Several large credit card companies have voiced objections to this practice…the consortium has responded that customers can still dig the material out if they wish…but it may be combined with old banana peels, coffee grounds, and dirty diapers…their choice.  

In an olive branch measure, the consortium said that it will consider hiring ex-postal workers to be garbage men, if they can pass the psychological exam.   

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Don’t throw away your 44 cent stamps yet.

The poor Greeks.  Their high-spending socialist/welfare program, combined with running up enormous budget defecits put them in a huge financial hole they could not dig out of.  They have been working hard with other members of the European Union to arrange some sort of bail-out plan.  As part of the deal, they were going to force mandatory pay rate slashings and tax increases to try and get things back in check.  That action caused riots in the streets, as Greek citizens blamed banks, industries, motherhood, and apple pie for their troubles. They set fire to buildings, which ended up killing several people. 

Citizens in the other EU countries were very impressed with the Greeks and their approach to dealing with their own problems, so many have volunteered to jump in and help them out.  Groups from the UK, Germany, and France have sent large contingents of people armed with torches in their hands to help them burn down the entire country.  On the way to Greece, the volunteers were given copies of General William T. Sherman’s memoirs on how to set up a 60-mile wide line of earth scorchers and techniques on how to basically flatten the land in a few weeks, leaving nothing but ashes in its aftermath.

“I’ll admit it’s a radical strategy,” said one of the English volunteers who actually started drooling as he talked.  “But it’s certainly one way to cut costs, by just drastically reducing overhead.  Burn banks, burn stores, torch factories, level homes.  Get people to just get the hell out of here…not just the greedy capitalist types, but also the sponges who have been sucking life, like Hoover vacuum cleaners, out of the Greek economy for decades.  Get rid of all these a$$#&les.  Level it all, and start over.  Seems like a pretty clever idea to me, quite frankly.  Happy to take part.”

Many in the world community have been appalled by this burn-down strategy, citing it as dangerous to the humans, goats, and vegetable-life in Greece.  They have suggested an alternate plan whereby the other EU countries would have their own taxpayers chip in a couple thousand euros per family to send to the poor Greeks to get them out of this pickle.  But when they surveyed citizens at random about this voluntary giving approach, they were greeted by a barrage of obscenities aimed at members of their families, particularly their mothers, and suggesting some acts that were not even technically possible.   

But these critics have not slowed down the torch brigade one bit, and they are starting to amass camps near Argos this week.  Leaders say if they can get about 100 thousand people lined up with torches and axes in hand, they can get the job done in about 14 days, end to end.  And it could be even be quicker if they can get some of the outraged Greek citizens to join in the fun.

One lady, Scarlett Flumpopolis, said that she was not going to leave her home, her land, no matter what the Yankees did.  A neighbor reminded her that there would be no Yankees in this hoe-down, only Brits and other fellow Europeans.  “I hate those Yankees,” Scarlett replied.  “Oh, Rhett, Rhett, what shall we do?  What shall we do??”  Her husband Adrianas responded, “Who in the f#%& is Rhett?”

Disclaimer:   all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

California, the newly emerging leader in the nanny-state movement, is trying its best to set the pace in government control of those whacky kids in the state.  The problem stems from the fact that most parents in California have given up trying to discipline their children, preferring rather the lay-back approach to just let things take their course.  The result has been an outbreak in fat kids, some weighing over 500 pounds before they reach 4 feet tall.  One school system reported that a busload of these obese monstrosities actually caused the rear wheels of the bus to go flat when they all waddled to the back of the bus.  The bus company spokesman said that they have implemented new seat assignment rules for the uber-chunksters, and are asking for state government stimulus help to help pay for repairs to tires and suspension system damage, as well as brake system upgrades to handle the hefty new loads.

The California government is taking swift action on the jumbo problem.  They recently enacted rules that prohibit the sale of toys in Happy Meals, and restrict the availability of GatorAde at schools to begin to address calorie intake.  But they say that this is just the beginning.  They are now putting together legislation that will put chubby little Johnnie on a diet he will never forget.  It will include immediate incarceration of any flabmaster eating a cheeseburger in public, a non-diet soft drink, an ice cream cone, or anything that doesn’t look like and smell like a granola bar.  If taken away, the chubblers will go to a special juvenile detention center where they will be fed saltine crackers and bottled water for 30 days, or 30 pounds, whichever comes first.  Supermarkets will be prohibited from selling taco chips, cheesecake, doughnuts, pork chops, or cream puffs to any family who has a certified chunkolunker.  Any father found guilty of buying restricted food for his child will have his beer card taken away for 6 months.

Many citizens have become outraged at this new restriction in basic freedom and this trend of becoming such a nanny state.  One mother said, “We like our Johnnie to look well fed.  You never know when the next depression will hit us, and if it does, Johnnie will be all set for probably 6 months or more.  You wait and see.”

But other families are taking it in stride, and think the whole movement is a good idea.  “Our Freddie has become such an enormous chowhound that we have found him wolfing down dog food during the late evenings,” one citizen reported.  “Puppy chow by the bag full.  Old Rover has started getting pretty pissed off about the whole deal, and has been doing his business on the carpet lately.  If these laws get Freddie off the dogfood bag, well, I’m all for it.”

Doctors are also weighing in on the issue, in favor of the nannyist movement to slim kids down.  “We are finding so many children with knee problems and back problems because their enormous stomach weight is wreaking havoc on their spinal system and joints throughout their bodies,” said one orthopedic.  “Besides, when these elephant-kids come in, they steal all my suckers and I have to go to WalMart and replenish them.  It’s time for action.”

It’s not clear whether the aggressive rules proposed will fly, but many say the fight will go on until no child weighs more than 250 pounds.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Click on the Simpli-tax page to see the latest installment of our trusty CPA’s effort to stop any/all efforts of tax reform.  It is survival time for them, and the tide is turning.

Also don’t forget to buy your copy of TALES OF OBAMALAND.  Great gift idea for a friend, relative, or colleague who needs a few laughs in his or her life.  Can click on one of the links on the right to buy from Amazon, BooksAMillion, Barnes & Noble, or Powells Books ——>

The volcanic dust from the eruption of the Iceland volcano has managed to even effect the local economy in Bizarreville.  The WalMart, which prides itself on being open 24 hours/day, 7 days/week was forced to declare a state of emergency when 43 of its employees called-off sick, claiming that they were choking from the ash dust in the air.  Some said that they had breathed in shards of glass that ripped through their lungs, forcing them to cough up blood and other nasty green goo.  When asked if they were rushed to the hospital, all said No, they were just taking it easy at home, taking tequila shots to ease the pain.

Authorities, however, have said that the ash clouds from the Iceland blast have come nowhere near Bizarreville.  The problems are surfacing in England and the mainland of Europe, but nowhere near here.  Some scientists have said that it is possible that a jet stream could have picked up a hunk of this junk and transported it here, but it is extremely unlikely.  “Probably just a bunch of deadbeats looking for any lame excuse to fart off work,” said one of the volcanologists. “Tell them to bring in some bloody mucous samples, and we’ll take a look.  But don’t hold your breath.”

Meanwhile, the WalMart had to scale back its operations to just allowing purchases of dog food, diapers, and cheap T-shirts due to the shortage of help.  When customers asked why just these products, they were told, “Listen, do you want dog food or not?  If not, then beat it.”  Certainly the long hours being worked by the small cadre of non-excusers, along with having to sleep on cheap WalMart cots set up in the Auto department, has had an effect on attitudes.

WalMart local management has said they will endure through this volcanic flu crisis and soon get back to business at usual…getting back to offering its full range of worthless garbage at low, low prices that people have come to expect from the leader of retailing in the free world.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the volcano stories.

With the recent announcement that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring, there is a scramble to quickly develop a short-list of candidates for his replacement.  Stevens was most known for being the outspoken leader of the liberal wing of the Court.  He was nominated by President Ford in 1975, and at the time, appeared to be a constitutional conservative, but almost immediately did a quick 180 and changed his views on everything legal.  He changed his views on affirmative action, the death penalty, gun control, and at one point suggested just scrapping the Constitution and starting over.  “Man, I sure fooled those bozos,” said Stevens at the time.  “What a bunch of saps.”

A local county judge from Bizarreville has emerged as a potential replacement candidate, named Judge Mert Shlunk.  Mert also owns the Shlunk Auto Body Collision shop, which offers a guarantee to give any customer 5 pounds of coffee if they gripe that their repair job sucks.  In terms of background, Shlunk got his law degree from Stubitz Refrigerator College with a solid C-average, and a fairly good class attendance record.  He became a judge 13 years ago, and put on a brilliant campaign… which seemed somewhat irrelevant when it turned out no one else was running.  He has had no issues of personal infidelity staining his tenure on the bench, but quips that maybe he would have if he was better looking.

Shlunk is an enigma in terms of his political philosophy and leanings.  He attends church regularly, but doesn’t put anything into the offering basket.  He believes strongly in the Constitution, but admits that technically he’s never read it, cover to cover.  “Every time I go to the library, it’s checked out.”

Shlunk supports equal rights, and espouses expanding the rights of NASCAR fans, light beer drinkers, and Moms-with-bratty-kids segments of the population.  He believes that women have the right to choose, but thinks that mainly should apply to what to cook for dinner and which fabric softener to buy.  He is unsure of his stand on the constitutionality of income tax, indicating that particular issue may be in the part of the Constitution he hasn’t read yet.  He does not believe in gay marriage, but says he’s not so crazy about straight marriage either.

When asked about Roe vs. Wade, he said he normally prefers to stay inside the boat, and would generally prefer to pick up an oar if his fishing boat motor konks out.  “In fact, I have a pretty solid record on this issue,” Shlunk said.  “I really need to buy a new motor for that friggin boat.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

The Bizarreville Bankers Association issued a statement yesterday that has a segment of citizens very upset.  The Bankers announced that there will no longer be a classification of mortgage loans titled “Sub-prime” mortgages.  As most know, sub-prime mortgages were widely viewed as a key contributing factor to the recent financial crisis and economic recession.  And so to distance themselves from this confusing and very ambiguous term, the Bankers have decided to drop it altogether.

In its place will be 3 new classifications of mortgage loans, and all loans for that matter:  (1) Prime credit loans, (2) Loans to people whose credit sucks, and (3) Loans to numbskulls who will most assuredly never pay them back, so say goodbye to that dough.  The Banks will also adopt a new logo system that will appear on all loan applications and other paperwork…a vacuum cleaner icon on the ‘Credit Sucks’ designees, and a stack of cash with wings icon for the ‘Kiss that dough goodbye’ designees.  Logo tee-shirts will also be available at any participating bank.

Much of the outcry has been related to the #2 classification, Loans to people whose credit sucks.  Gripers argue that this places a stigma on a lot of good people who, through no fault of their own, just ended up getting a dozen or so credit cards with maxxed-out balances, and/or a car loan whose monthly payments were set unreasonably high by greedy bankers.  They claim that it will now be difficult for them to get any financing for a new Lexus or Beamer, let alone a mortgage on that new lakefront cottage.  They will be embarrassed to ever file for bankruptcy for fear of being ridiculed and stigmatized by friends and neighbors.

Several banks have recognized the insensitivity of the ‘Credit Sucks’ designation, and have offered to give any lousy credit customer who opens a new account a free low-power vacuum cleaner as a promotional enticement.  Another bank is giving away free brooms with a label “Don’t suck, sweep”.  The Bankers Association said they are certain that these low-end customers will see the humor in these items…although privately one bank exec said he hopes they do their business at the credit union from here on out.

Surprisingly, there has been little pushback on the ‘Never Pay Back’ designation.  Most feel this segment of the market will return to their roots of borrowing money from Title Pawn companies, loan sharks, and the mob…where contract terms are simpler and payback terms are easy for them to understand.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Click over to the Simpli-Tax tab for the next exciting installment of the trek toward Simpli-Tax, and the CPA war to prevent it all from happening.

Note to all loyal Bizarreville followers:  Thanks so much to the growing number of members of Bizarreville Nation for supporting our site by purchasing our book, Tales of Obamaland.  This book helps us continue to fund Bizarreville.  If you’ve not yet dove into Obamaland, please consider buying a copy…for yourself, for a friend, for a colleague…we know you will thoroughly enjoy it.  With political satire written in a Dr. Seuss style, it is a book like no other.  Tales of Obamaland is available at Amazon.com, BooksAMillion.com, BarnesAndNoble (bn.com), and Powells.com, and it is available in e-Book format from iUniverse.com.  Click on any of the 4 logos below and order one!

The cracker jack Bizarreville Postal Service announced sweeping cost cutting moves in response to their $238 billion projected debt over the next decade.  The strategy will be rolled out in phases over the next 4-5 years to get them from 12-digit deficits down to a manageable 10-digit deficit.  The Postmaster General commented that he has not figured out a way to make money handling/delivering mail, and has suggested they may start delivering pizza if things don’t get better.  Pizza owners quip that a delivered pizza would cost about 38 bucks if the Post Office took charge.

The Post Office will initially start by cutting out Saturday deliveries and Saturday mail pickups to trim $5 billion/year in expenses, and put 49 thousand postal workers on the street.  But within a year or two, they plan to  eliminate Monday and Friday service, then in another two years take it down to just Thursday mail, and to hell with it.  They are considering a new Self-Service concept, whereby customers could just go to the post office and plow through a big pile of mail on the floor to find their stuff…but it’s only at the conceptual stage at this point.

The Office was expecting there to be an outcry about this service cutback, but surveys have shown that citizens could not care less.  Some people surveyed did not even know who the Postal Service was, until it was explained they were the ones who deliver Snail Mail that’s stuffed in that box at the end of their driveway.  “You mean the box that has all the worthless crap mail in it?” asked one surveyed customer, who later remembered getting a birthday card in the box about a year ago.

Supporters point out that the Postal Service is reasonably efficient, given the fact that they are still using a business model honed in the 18th century, and run by a government model honed in the 11th century.  They emphasize that most mail actually makes it to the destination desired, and challenge naysayers to find any other governmental bureaucracy that can get it right over half of the time.

Progressives have proposed bolstering the office with more federal funding, higher stamp prices, and maintaining bloated headcounts with generous wage hikes each year.  “Cuz if they fail, who will deliver our junk mail?” asked a progressive pundit.  “Who?  Fed Ex?  I doubt it.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.