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Archive for the ‘Life in Bizarreville’ Category

Career Murder on the Metroid Express

Attention Bizarreville Nation:

Just released is our newest novel, hot off the Bizarreville Press:  Career Murder on the Metroid Express, now available from Amazon.  This book is a response to the frequent request that we try to do a murder mystery story.  Of course, we here do not want to deal with the gore and disgustingness of an actual murder, so we have instead developed a story of a career murder… where an employee gets unjustly fired, perpetrated allegedly by one or more of his sleazy office coworkers.  As you might guess, it all happens while he is riding the commuter train to work.  It’s a fun who-done-it, with humorous insights into the creepy world of office politics.  The story is written in real time, so it puts you, the reader, right in the middle of the unfolding drama as the investigation continues.  Find out who the culprit is, and what becomes of the career murdered victim.

Get your copy by clicking on the book cover icon in the right margin —->

Great gift for someone you like (or even someone you don’t particularly like).

Democrats Nervous about Latest Bernie Wins

Establishment Democrats are sweating bullets following Bernie Sanders’ surprise landslide in Nevada.  They say that it was one thing for the self-proclaimed pinko Communist to stir up emotions in fringe liberal kooks… far another thing for him to be their actual, for-real party leader… who would take the country on the road to becoming another Cuba, or Venezuela, or Greece, albeit with better fast food joints.  His recent praising of the nutcase Fidel Castro drew even more concerns with the mental health of the guy, especially when he said he was considering growing a beard and buying one of those Fidel hats.

Bernie, who brings a rich personal history of laziness, loafiness, sponging-off others most of his life, has been an attractive candidate for the underbelly of American voters… literally a poster child of underachievement.  These citizens relish the ideas of free food, free dope, free health care, free college, free day-care, while not having to endure the hardship of working for a living.  Sanders has now brought many young people into the fold, who had majored in Aztec Music Theory, and now have been only able to find a job flipping fake-meat burgers to slowly pay off their student loans.  They also want the right to sing off-key chants at work, even if it bothers co-workers.

“It’s not fair that people with real jobs get off paying such low taxes, while the rest of us have to smell their exhaust,” one music theorist complained.  “We need a leader who will elevate our culture and glorify the music of the Aztecs, Incas, and even the oft-forgotten Eskimos, so that the rest of us can participate in the American dream.”

Meanwhile, Democrat insiders are worried that Bernie’s appeals to the Hobo Left may turn off some of the more normal Democrat voters.  Many of these normal people don’t want to lose their current health card program, and have it replaced with an incompetently-run government system with a Death-Squad determining what would or wouldn’t be covered.  Some young voters have countered that a Death Squad would, at least, create jobs… at the front-end and the back-end of the process.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and are probably less scary than the real stories.

Pelosi Feels Heat Again

Nancy Pelosi is continuing to feel heat from citizens for her disrespectful act of ripping up the copy of the President’s State of the Union speech in front of a national audience.  She claimed that the speech was full of lies.  When asked whether the President’s claims that the country is experiencing exemplary GDP growth, record low unemployment, across the board wage increases, major improvements in trade deals, a spike in capital investment by companies that brought jobs back into the country, and skyrocketing 70% growth in people’s 401K retirement accounts were all “a bunch of lies,” she responded that she was unfamiliar with that kind of detail.  She said she leaves financial mumbo-jumbo analysis jazz to her staff people…unfortunately, most of them were taking personal leaves of absence that week.  “I am certain, when they come back to work, that they will find some exaggerations in the stated figures.  After all, most of my staff took math in high school, so are pretty good with, you know, numbers and stuff.”

Some people wondered why all the Democrats in the State of the Union audience looked so glum, refused to applaud at the booming economy numbers, snarled at the prospect of an even-better 2020 outlook.  One Democrat attendee admitted that she was sternly instructed by her leadership to put on a piss-face, and make occasional howls and groans during the speech.  It was explained to her that a lot of people in the country still do not have health insurance.  When she mentioned that that’s probably because they have chosen not to buy it, her leader responded, no, it’s because people just hate the TrumpCare program.  A fellow Democrat poked the leader in the side and told her that there is no TrumpCare… it’s all still ObamaCare.

“Yeah, but if it was TrumpCare, it would be bad,” the Democratic leader responded.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they usually sound pretty real.

Elizabeth Warren about ready to hang it up

Elizabeth Warren, after devastating losses in the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, appears about ready to hang up her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President.  Her messages of increasing taxes on every person who has a savings account or a share of stock, providing health care for pet dogs, cats, and gerbils, adopting a forgive/forget program for terrorists and human traffickers, and closing all power plants in the country in order to reduce climate change were widely supported early in her campaign, but seem to have fallen on deaf ears lately.  On top of that, her “angry lady” style of communicating has prompted some former supporters to suggest that she try going on Valium for a while… or spend some time in Colorado and sample some of their new agricultural products.

Her tactics in New Hampshire were borderline crazy, saying on one hand that the Democrats should stop fighting with each other and find common ground to win the election… then on the other hand, producing a variety of ads attempting to decimate her opponents by pointing out their considerable weaknesses and shortcomings.

“If you’re going to point out weaknesses, you should go for the jugular, and start giving opponents harsh, ridiculously cruel, insensitive nicknames,” one Aide suggested.  “It has been proven that goofy nicknames create a lot of laughter, and laughter is the key to a winning strategy.  Look at the last election…say no more.”

It may be too late for Warren to make a dramatic tactical change and save her campaign.  But it is something to consider for a possible 2024 run.  And it is not too early to start that process now.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they are still fun to imagine.

Dopey Democratic Iowa Caucus, Dopey Slate

The poor Democrats are having a bad week so far.  The much-anticipated Iowa Caucus for the Democratic Presidential hopefuls fell apart in chaos on Monday when organizers were unable to total up results from the fractured, frenzied process.  Part of the problem was that, if a candidate did not achieve a threshold percentage in a given district, the candidate was labeled as “Not Viable.”  Turns out, none of the candidates, in fact, is really viable, and that caused their computerized tally system to discombobulate.  The leading candidates were heard saying, “I’m viable, I’m viable, I’m viable,” but by then, their system could not undo the chaos.  The Democratic candidates are now headed for New Hampshire, where they have agreed to have a big snowball fight to determine how the New Hampshire delegates are divvied up.

Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress are looking particularly stupid as they fumbled their attempt at impeachment of the President using fake news, fake depositions, and fake data.  They were reportedly dumbfounded that the fake news approach did not work this time, considering it has been so successful in the past.  Dem leadership has vowed to find some new fake news and new fake witnesses to make another try later this year.  One way or the other, they feel, they say they can find something/anything to overturn the election.  Their constituents, many who admit to being proud ignoramuses, expect nothing less from their elected officials.

The Democratic candidates are hoping that the next impeachment run can happen before the nomination conventions in the summer, so that they can get the kind of chaos going that will be like the chaos in Iowa this week.  But they are not able to spend much time talking about it now, because they are busy gathering snowballs for their arsenal.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just like the fake stuff in politics nowadays.

Romney out of step again

The Chairman of the American Conservative Union announced that Senator Mitt Romney will not be invited to the annual CPAC conservative conference this year.  His un-invitation came moments after Romney sided with all the Democrats in a key vote in the Trump Impeachment Hoax, regarding parading a new throng of witnesses to elongate this charade on the American public.  Fortunately, the vote rejected more witnesses, placing Romney in the difficult spot of looking like a total bozo.

Romney, who claims to be a Republican, has behaved more like a Democrat, even going back to his failed run for the Presidency in 2012.  Voters then were confused on his constant flip-flopping on issues, appearing to swing to whatever messages the particular audience was wanting to hear at the time.  His fuzzy positions of gun control, immigration, defense, and social issues made some characterize him as an Etch-a-Sketch politician.  The makers of Etch-a-Sketch said, “We know Etch-a-Sketches, Etch-a-Sketches are our friends.  He’s no Etch-a-Sketch.”

Meanwhile, as a designated bozo, Romney faces the prospect of not being able to sit with any fellow Senators at lunches, and being left off the lists for Washington cocktail parties.  A spokesman said that was okay, because he’s on a diet anyway.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and no one can prove otherwise.

School lunch menus being revised

The USDA recently proposed new school lunch menus that offer low-income kids a broader choice in food selection, overturning restrictions enacted by the Obama Administration.  New choices would include burgers, pizza, and fries, and fewer entries such as kale, rutabaga, and processed pears.  The Agency said that kids were mostly throwing those so-called healthy options into the trash can because they tasted so badly.  They wanted to offer kids foods that they would actually eat.

Opponents argue that these new foods are high in salt, carbs, and fat content, and are likely to lead to childhood obesity.  A spokesman for the Agency responded, “I thought you idiots were worried about starvation in these kids.  Now you’re worried about obesity.  Which one is it?  You can’t be starving too badly if you’re 50 pounds overweight and buying clothes in the chubby section.”

As a compromise, the Agency may allow inclusion of the new meatless, plant-based burgers.  These new patties allegedly taste about the same as beef burgers, and give the impression to health fanatics as being a healthier alternative to real meat.  One kid responded, “Hey, if I don’t like it, I know where to put it.”

Poverty parents are applauding the new direction, since their kids will now come home less famished.  One parent living in subsidized housing remarked, “Give ’em double burgers, and we’ll be able to skip dinner entirely.  That will put a lot less pressure on my cigarette money.”  It appears to be a win/win.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so true.

Pelosi attacks Facebook

Speaker Pelosi and some of her Socialist-minded friends are now turning their anger on Facebook.  This latest bit of rage came after Facebook refused to take down a post that showed the Speaker slurring her words.

“What Facebook did or didn’t do is irresponsible,” a spokesman for the Left commented.  “They are trying to make it look like she had just been smoking a doobie at an Impeachment Celebration party.  Remember, marijuana is legal in California now, and everyone here has the right to be high, even politicians.”

Pelosi said that Facebook only cares about making money and getting tax breaks by schmoozing Trump.  Other California Leftists added that Facebook people don’t care a lick about sharing wealth with our other comrades, putting an end to climate change, or implementing full government-run universal health care…causes that are important to an increasing number of young Facebook users, who have been methodically brainwashed by teachers to recognize “the truth.”  .  They warned that they better stay in touch with their customers, if they want to survive long term.

A Conservative spokesman asked, “How many other states have Marijuana Legalization on the ballot in November?”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.

Pelosi shows us how to waste time and lose focus

After a year of slithering, Nancy Pelosi has been able to finally find a thread of virtual-fault to pursue an impeachment process against the President.  Her Democratic base has been pressuring her to find something/anything to start some sort of impeachment path moving, even if it’s based on fake facts, fake documents, fake depositions, or fake conspiracy theories.  They were hoping to find an item a little less ludicrous than this Ukraine thing, but time was running out to get an accusation in the works prior to the 2020 election season.  If she dragged her feet, it’s likely she would get bounced…like a beachball at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Dems feel they need some sort of rubber bullet to combat the President’s record of building a very strong economy with its record low levels of unemployment, 50 percent stock market gain, low inflation, wage growth across the board, and impressive GDP gains each quarter.  Most voters know that if Democrats win next year, the economy will bee-line for the toilet…so they need a red herring to convince low-info people that there’s more to consider than just prosperity.  This will be especially true if Dems nominate a socialist-leaning, anti-prosperity candidate such as Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders…each who have been doing some squalor-benchmarking from their beat-up ’55 Chevys down in Cuba.

The President has asked Ms. Pelosi to speed up this nonsense so that the Senate can bring this time-waster to a quick conclusion.  The Speaker has said she prefers to drag it out as long as possible.  This gives the news media has an ample chance to badger the President, in order to offset his ever present blabbering about how good the economy is doing…that, frankly, their base of squalor-huggers couldn’t care less about.

“Economy, e-shmonomy,” an advisor remarked, while reading her latest copy of Pravda.  “It’s not the economy, stupid.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…or are they?

Romney speaks out again

Mitt Romney recently decided to make another move in his apparent desire to switch parties, and try to become a Democrat.  In this case, he spoke out, once again, to hammer the President.  This time it was about the fake news regarding the President’s conversation with the Ukrainian President to allegedly look into Biden’s shenanigans.  Romney’s continuing alignment with Democrats on most issues has impressed Democratic leadership who love the whole idea of political traitors.  However, the leaders really favor him staying as a Republican to subterfuge the President and make it look like there is widespread dissention within the party.

Liberal insiders say that Romney must do much more, if he wants to gain standing in their world.  “Perhaps if he was to do something dramatic, like transgender himself, he would demonstrate his seriousness in switching directions,” a left-wing spokesperson suggested.

Romney, of course, was an unsuccessful Republican candidate for President in 2012, losing by a landslide to Obama, when voters discovered that Romney was such an empty suit.  He was quite bitter at many Republicans who failed to support him, and seems committed to undermining as many of them as possible.  And to help him do this, he continues to support the concept of allowing freedom for broadcasting fake news as a First Amendment Right, a strongly held liberal position, as well.

A Romney spokesman said that the Senator is not contemplating any sex change at this time, and even if he did, he would not undertake the surgery option.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case you could not figure that out yourself.

New Tariffs on Chinese Soy Sauce

The President recently announced his intention to ratchet up the trade war with China another couple notches by enacting a 200 percent tariff on soy sauce.  He did not say if this was a reaction to China’s imposing their own tariff on soy beans, but logic would suggest that the soy sauce tariff would fit his retaliatory strategy when dealing with snotty-ish opponents.  With tariffs going both ways on soy (beans and sauce), the price of soy sauce will skyrocket.

Chinese restaurant owners were furious when they heard the news.  “This will absolutely kill our take-out business,” one owner complained.  “No one is going to want to eat Egg Foo Young naked.”  When asked whether the tariffs will impact their sit-down business, he said that no one gets tables anymore because the place stinks too bad; they just grab the bag and run.  He said they are thinking about turning their dining room into a fitness center with treadmills, so that customers waiting for orders have something to do.

The Administration has encouraged Chinese restauranteurs to experiment with new sauces, such as salsa or guacamole.  “You might discover a whole new food genre that you could call ‘Chexican’…General Tso chicken with enchilada sauce and sweet/sour refried beans.  Who wouldn’t love a Moo Goo Taco with some Mexican fried rice?  Could be a huge hit with people who are always looking for the next big thing.  Serendipity.”

It’s still early to tell whether the soy sauce tariff will be a real tariff or a fake tariff.  Meanwhile, the woks in the Chinese kitchens may start smelling like cilantro.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally written.

Nanny State

Just released is our new novel from the presses at Bizarreville.  Nanny State is a wild, satire that chronicles a week in the life of Senator Jack Belfner, as he attempts to persuade his colleagues in the Senate on the merits of a new proposal that would allow one of the States to secede from the Union, and establish its own ultra-liberal nation where the government runs everything in people’s lives.  You may remember our hero, Jack, from The Obamanation novel.  Nanny State picks up where The Obamanation left off, and continues the hilarious misadventures of Jack, his family, and the other zany characters.  You will love it.  Click on the book cover image on the right to get your copy…before the vote happens. —–>