October 15th, 2011
Obamanomics Lesson 4: Universal Food Stamps
As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps. After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat? And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.
All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day. However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”. Examples of common food: burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies. Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs). TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.
Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct. Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free. The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door. Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands. Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang. The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers. And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.
The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party. The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.
