July 22nd, 2010
Survey says people want more taxes for school improvements
With the Bizarreville public school system in such an utter financial mess and facing infrastructure collapse, officials have formed committees, task forces, and special focus groups to help develop solutions. The School Commission retained noted pollster Dimbleweed and Frumpp Inc. to gauge public acceptance/relunctance to enact a tax increase to aid the struggling school programs. Over 2000 people were surveyed and interviewed from a cross-section of citizens.
The poll found that 49% of people surveyed favored a tax increase to pour good, new dollars into previously failed school programs. 39 percent opposed any sort of new tax, while 12% did not understand the question.
Initially, analysts thought this was a shocking result. On closer examination, however, the picture became clearer. Nearly all of the 49 percent favoring increased taxes were people who pay no taxes themselves, and are card-carrying bonefide lunks who sponge off the system. Exit poll interviews with them revealed a strong desire to soak the rich a little more, especially those with jobs, savings accounts, credit cards instead of debit cards, and/or families without one or more deadbeat dads. Interviewees felt that the best way to solve the school system problems was to piss away more money at it, especially since it was not their money. One interviewee, to make a point, dropped his drawers and peed on a nearby mailbox.
“Education is important,” another survey-respondent said, “and we need to support our schools. In fact, we need to give all the teachers a raise, build some new buildings, and rehire teachers who were fired just because they’re not so good at teaching. And while we’re at it, we need more free lunches with better food besides just pizza and salads. And different flavor shakes besides just chocolate and vanilla…get some variety.”
It is still not certain how the Commission will use these poll results in determining how to bolster the sagging system. Taxes may be part of the answer, but since fewer and fewer people actually pay tax anymore, there will need to be a broader-based solution. A sub-committee has been formed to deal with non-tax proposals, but so far has not come up with any ideas.
