bizarreville

Recruiting efforts are now in high-gear to staff up the newly commissioned Death Panels in Bizarreville.  As you know, these are the panels that will ultimately decide if grammaw gets that 3rd hip replacement in lieu of a nicely rehabbed wheelchair…or if grampaw should get that appendix removed today, or just wait in line and hope for the best.  The Death Panel program has been a popular concept, particularly among the younger people, as a means of reducing spiralling health care costs and frankly helping solve the impending Social Security ballooning problem.  Critics have called it harsh, but became less vocal when it became apparent that Leaders were taking names.

Interviewers say that they’re looking for a strong set of Defiant Uber-ssertive skills in candidates for the job.  “You cannot be a bleeding heart, bed-wetting baby who wants his pacifier.  We will be looking for people with proven track records of starting fights in bars, climbing over weak people for promotions, telling the boss to Shove It, frantically yelling at Town Hall meetings, telling panhandlers to Get a Job, honking at bike riders…you get the idea.  If it happens they’ve pulled the plug on a close relative in the past…well, that would certainly earn bonus points.  Candidates with previous Boy Scout or Girl Scout experience probably should not apply.  People who have formerly coached Little League or any other kids sport should only apply if they can show that they yelled at the kids and quit at mid-season out of sheer frustration.”

Interviews will begin today at 2pm at the Hospital Emergency room.  Warning to all would-be candidates…interviewers will be closely watching you as you enter the ER.  Don’t fall into the trap by having a sympathetic look on your face as you walk by the pathetic moaner doubled-up in pain, or the young child bleeding out his ears.  It’s a test.  Keep that “Whatever…” look, and you’ll be good to go.  Good luck to all.

The Bizarreville Skunksprays lost another heart-breaking football game yesterday, an embarrassing loss to the Nerfville Nerdnuts 27-14, pushing the Sprays record to 0-4 and promising another mega-losing season.

“I thought we had a chance to win this one,” said Coach Schlumpp.  “First-off, the Nerdnuts are a pathetically lousy team.  But when the Nerds lost their 1st string quarterback in the First Quarter, their 2nd string quarterback in the Second Quarter, and had to put their Kicker in to take snaps…well, then I thought we had ’em.  That kid was just tossing up rainbows, but somehow the Receivers managed to gather them in and score.  And when the Nerdnuts’ main running back, the midget with just one arm, racked up 175 yards rushing…well, that was pretty humiliating to say the least.”

Fans left the stadium very disappointed but not too surprised.  They have grown accustomed to poor play, poor coaching, poor management.  Some fans have stopped attending, oft criticized for being fair-weather fans.  But they have reminded us that it’s been decades since they saw blue skies, and the forecast calls for rain and golf-ball size hail.

Management shows the face of being upset, but deep down inside they really don’t care if the team loses…the fans keep coming out, the TV revenue piles in, the dog and beer sales continue, even with ratcheted up prices.  They rationalize that there’s no guarantee of a winning season even if they pay big bucks for talent or knowledgable coaches…a brilliant strategy of maximizing profit margins.  They’ve even parlayed this strategy into trading draft picks for old decrepid has-beens and picking up undrafted walk-ons and stumble-ons.  Scouts continually scour the bottom of the stats charts and game low-lights using a novel points system that scores ineptness, confusion, mistake-making, and general lack of athleticism.  It’s helped find those little horse nuggets buried in the hay.

“It’s a Cost Control model of high-esteem,” said Professor Stewbeed of Bizarreville College’s MBA program.  “It’s a model that had shown past success among some upper Midwest professional sports teams, but the Skunksprays have taken it to an all new level.  Each cut of cost has produced a significantly lesser marginal revenue impact, thereby providing incremental EBITDA to the shareholder.  Bravo!”

“But what about the fans?” asked a prying reporter.

“Pffffft…next question?” smirked the Prof.

The Skunksprays face a tough opponent next week, the Murgatoid Marauders, undefeated and leading the league.  Vegas points spread is currently at 63 points, but many Bizarreville citizens think Murgatoid will not cover the spread.  “63 points??  That’s ridiculous.  I’m taking the points.”  The Skunksprays coach was asked if he is doing anything special to prepare for the game, and he responded, “We’ve bolstered our supplies of bandages, splints, and gauze…lots of gauze…and neckbraces, you can never have enough of those.”

The much-maligned Squirrel Nuts organization (SN) opened up a chapter in Bizarreville recently.  Their motto “Take a Closer Look at Squirrel Nuts” was developed to encourage more folks, particularly youths, to get more active in community organizing activities and promoting political candidates who are on their Super Squirrel list.  Organizers say Squirrel Nuts grow larger and larger every month, and would like all citizens to get a taste of it.

SN has been under enormous pressure after being caught doing illegal and illicit things at their various branches.  They were caught red-handed at the Shmooville branch when one SN worker was told to go launder some money.  He went out and bought a used Maytag.  The wet bills clogged up the drain line, and the naive SN dope called the Maytag Repairman, who promptly turned him in to authorities.  There was 89 dollars missing, which upon investigation, coincidently turns out to be the cost of a Service call.

SN of Bizarreville organizers claim that the Shmooville chapter is totally independent of all other chapters, and their alleged misdeeds do not reflect on the confederation as a whole.  “No Squirrel Nuts are alike.  Each warrants its own intimate examination.  And, yes, the ones that don’t pass the smell test should be cut off.”

SN of Bizarreville has big plans to mobilize blocks of people who have historically been shut out of the political processes.  “Take dead people, for example.  Why should they be denied their vote just because they can’t make it to the polls?  Other cities have solved this problem, why can’t we?  And it’s not just dead people, but also virtual relatives (oh yeah…remember Aunt Mulva or good ole Cousin Belferd, don’t see much of them anymore), dogs and cats (hey, they’re part of the family, aren’t they?), and people in comas.

“There’s so much more we can do in terms of reforms.  We’re even still holding onto the concept of one person/one vote!  C’mon now, other cities have been getting 5-6 votes out of people for years…just takes better organizing.  And certainly, the age-old issue with Alignment, providing that needed information, incentive, and encouragement to vote for the right candidate.  One word…muscle.  Why is this such a foreign concept?  Every time you go into a sleazy bar, you see the big galoot at the door ready/willing to crack a few heads…what happens?  People behave.  That’s all we’re talking about…just Behavior…or what we call Alignment.”

Opponents had tried to stop the Bizarreville chapter from opening, but to no avail.  They had recorded many reels of film supposedly showing bad activities, but somehow the reels got melted down into a celluloid blob.  Eyewitness accounts all developed severe cases of temporary amnesia, some of which were accompanied with severe head rashes, a few requiring stitches.  One opponent spokesman, who had sadly just lost his dog in a tragic hunting accident from multiple gunshot wounds, said that it might be best to give Squirrel Nuts a try.  “Perhaps we need to just suck it up.”