bizarreville

Party leaders are scurrying, scrambling to determine what to do about the Gaffemaster.  At first, they tried to figure out how to shut the idiot up.  His continuous spew of knucklehead remarks, inappropriate slurs, and bumble-rooskies were seen as embarassing to the entire leadership team, forcing spokesman after spokesman to have to appear on morning TV shows to do damage control.  As time went on, however, it became clear that most citizens did not care.  They saw him as a genuine bozo, fully expecting to see him acting stupid, and simply shrugged it off.  “What’s your point?” became the attitude.

More recently, leaders discovered that his endless series of flubs were actually quite entertaining to a large segment of likely voter-types.  These citizens saw his goofy speeches as a pseudo stand-up comedy routine, chock full of chuckles in an otherwise dull, painfully boring campaign season.  His straight-face, dry presentation style made his one-liners all the more hilarious.  Like a snotty version of yogi-isms, his quips and quakes became crowd favorites.  His recent “put y’all back in chains” slur to a racially-mixed audience drew huge laughs…so many laughs that the VP had to suspend the speech for 10 minutes to give him time to change his wetted pants.  When he returned, he quipped that he hadn’t realized the team’s “Hope and change” campaign theme included underwear…drawing more laughs, and almost causing a change reprise.

Even the infamous gaffe where he asked a man in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow which seemed humiliating at the time, now is touted as comic genius by the party.  “The guy is remarkable,” a party spokesman said, laughing as he watched the tape of the wheelchair gaffe.  “Look at that stone face…not a flinch…wow!”

Party officials now see the VP’s gaffes as an opportunity rather than a threat.  They have given him a small staff of gaffe writers to devise some fresh new gag material for upcoming events.  Advisors are working with the Gaffemaster to help with his dry delivery style, so that he continues to look like a bumbling birdbrain, rather than a polished comic…part of the “charm” that is critically important to retain for a few more months.  Ironically, even his staunchest opponents are starting to laugh at the little screw-ups in private, feigning outrage in public.  One unidentified opposing party member called his latest series of gaffes “the most pathetic, disgraceful performance by a Vice President since Aaron Burr,” then busted out in a spit take.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are not so far from the truth.

Bizarreville administration officials expressed unhappiness bordering on anger from the recent incident of a piddly low-level Democratic Party operative making disparaging comments about the Republican candidate wife’s lack of intelligence about economic matters because she was only a stay-at-home mom.  The fumbling, inept, lead-tongued operative apparently had not been properly briefed beforehand by party officials.  Her statements which have now been characterized as the Democratic party’s War on Moms have been lampooned by pundits.

“We’re most definitely disappointed in her statements,” stated an Administration spokesman.  “We had planned to roll out our ‘War on Moms’ campaign strategy in a more subtle, clandestine approach so that the stay-at-home moms didn’t really realize what was happening.  Now the cat is out of the bag, and will require that we do damage control and regroup.  It’s just frustrating.”

The spokesman refused to explain why the Democrats were waging the War on Moms.  But it was clear that the spokesman had never changed a diaper, woke up abruptly at 3am for a feeding, or chased youngsters around the house who were bound and determined to hurt themselves on an electrical appliance of some sort.  The spokesman did say that stay-at-home moms have no clue whatsoever about economics or the business world, since those subjects are almost never addressed on Oprah or soap operas.  He admitted that the Price is Right has some economic connection, but Lucy reruns have very little.

The spokesman went on to say that they plan to articulate their War on Moms platform more in upcoming weeks…a platform that will push aside the old-fashioned conservative ideas of the past.  “That’s why Dr. Mervin Felkwash developed the concept of ‘Quality Time’ in the 1970’s, which got working moms off the guilt trip of spending such little time with kids.  He promoted the idea that it was not how MUCH time, but the QUALITY of the time spent with kids that was important.  He spread the idea that became ingrained in our culture that it was okay to blitz kids with jampacked faux attention, brisk toy-playing, and fast-reading childrens books to them.  And it was okay to have day care and nannys.  Hell, that’s why the Nanny State was invented…to allow Nannys to be fully recognized and respected in their important roles as surrogate moms.”

A reporter responded, “I thought the Nanny State was more about the government providing services and funding to cover virtually any need or want, so people didn’t have to worry about fending for themselves?”

“Yeah, that too,” replied the spokesman.

He went on to say that the idea that moms should stay home nurturing kids is cro-magnon thinking.  “The very idea that moms should spend all their precious time raising and nurturing a stable of kids like what has been done for 10 thousand years, rather than getting out there in the real work force doing pencil pushing, emails, spreadsheet manipulating, and other critical bureaucratic functions, is laughable.  There are jobs in the Customer Service world out there that need to be staffed by qualified people who know how to keep people on hold for 40 minutes, then tell them there’s nothing they can do about their problem.  It’s what we call REAL work.”

D.Wasserbag Schlitz, the head of the Democratic Committee, was asked to comment on the operative’s gaffe.  “It’s not us.  The Republicans are the problem.”  When asked what the hell she was talking about, she replied, “Go figure it out.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.