January 29th, 2020
School lunch menus being revised
The USDA recently proposed new school lunch menus that offer low-income kids a broader choice in food selection, overturning restrictions enacted by the Obama Administration. New choices would include burgers, pizza, and fries, and fewer entries such as kale, rutabaga, and processed pears. The Agency said that kids were mostly throwing those so-called healthy options into the trash can because they tasted so badly. They wanted to offer kids foods that they would actually eat.
Opponents argue that these new foods are high in salt, carbs, and fat content, and are likely to lead to childhood obesity. A spokesman for the Agency responded, “I thought you idiots were worried about starvation in these kids. Now you’re worried about obesity. Which one is it? You can’t be starving too badly if you’re 50 pounds overweight and buying clothes in the chubby section.”
As a compromise, the Agency may allow inclusion of the new meatless, plant-based burgers. These new patties allegedly taste about the same as beef burgers, and give the impression to health fanatics as being a healthier alternative to real meat. One kid responded, “Hey, if I don’t like it, I know where to put it.”
Poverty parents are applauding the new direction, since their kids will now come home less famished. One parent living in subsidized housing remarked, “Give ’em double burgers, and we’ll be able to skip dinner entirely. That will put a lot less pressure on my cigarette money.” It appears to be a win/win.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so true.
