January 16th, 2011
Administration ecstatic about oil price rise
Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.
A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out. “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression. The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”
He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly. “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline. Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s. Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis. No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer. That’s what we’re talking about. If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”
One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason. The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert? Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University? Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up. These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff. You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”
Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave. But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard. The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.
