bizarreville

The President recently announced his intention to ratchet up the trade war with China another couple notches by enacting a 200 percent tariff on soy sauce.  He did not say if this was a reaction to China’s imposing their own tariff on soy beans, but logic would suggest that the soy sauce tariff would fit his retaliatory strategy when dealing with snotty-ish opponents.  With tariffs going both ways on soy (beans and sauce), the price of soy sauce will skyrocket.

Chinese restaurant owners were furious when they heard the news.  “This will absolutely kill our take-out business,” one owner complained.  “No one is going to want to eat Egg Foo Young naked.”  When asked whether the tariffs will impact their sit-down business, he said that no one gets tables anymore because the place stinks too bad; they just grab the bag and run.  He said they are thinking about turning their dining room into a fitness center with treadmills, so that customers waiting for orders have something to do.

The Administration has encouraged Chinese restauranteurs to experiment with new sauces, such as salsa or guacamole.  “You might discover a whole new food genre that you could call ‘Chexican’…General Tso chicken with enchilada sauce and sweet/sour refried beans.  Who wouldn’t love a Moo Goo Taco with some Mexican fried rice?  Could be a huge hit with people who are always looking for the next big thing.  Serendipity.”

It’s still early to tell whether the soy sauce tariff will be a real tariff or a fake tariff.  Meanwhile, the woks in the Chinese kitchens may start smelling like cilantro.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally written.

Just released is our new novel from the presses at Bizarreville.  Nanny State is a wild, satire that chronicles a week in the life of Senator Jack Belfner, as he attempts to persuade his colleagues in the Senate on the merits of a new proposal that would allow one of the States to secede from the Union, and establish its own ultra-liberal nation where the government runs everything in people’s lives.  You may remember our hero, Jack, from The Obamanation novel.  Nanny State picks up where The Obamanation left off, and continues the hilarious misadventures of Jack, his family, and the other zany characters.  You will love it.  Click on the book cover image on the right to get your copy…before the vote happens. —–>

Elizabeth Warren was just nominated for the 2019 Angriest Person in America award by the National Crab Ass Society (NCAS).  This distinction comes on the heels of her angry tirades at the recent Democratic Candidate debate, where she went off the deep end denouncing free enterprise, sniping at all corporations, viciously attacking health care providers, and showing intense hatred toward any/all individuals who have ever achieved some modicum of success in their lives.  Her rants were cheered by the debate audience members, most of whom were crabby, card-carrying members of the NCAS.  Some audience members commented later, however, that some of her angry remarks were a bit over-the-top, making her look like she was just pretending to be super-angry for the cameras.  Her staff members said No, she is sincerely a raging maniac, embittered by the lack of pleasures in life, and transfixed on politically destroying any remaining happy campers left in the country.  She believes if she can win the Presidency, she can level the playing field by turning all the happy winners into angry losers.

One reporter asked if she turns the winners into losers, wouldn’t the losers turn into uber-losers?  She responded that there is not all that much stratification in the loser classification, so it would not really matter that much…losers are losers are losers.

Her angry assault in a recent Senate Banking Committee meeting aimed at Wells Fargo CEO Stumpf, ultimately forcing him to get tossed out of his job, had won her additional points with the NCAS Nominating Committee.  “She’s consistent in her shouts, screams, and blaring negativism about everything in the country,” commented a NCAS spokesperson.  “And her anger is not just for anger’s sake…it gets the job done.  You’ve got to respect that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but we are still wishing some may come true.

1. Trump is still acting mean.
2. The Administration still thinks the poor asylum seekers from Central America are scam artists, just because they have past criminal records and are lazy good-for-nothings unfit for regular work.  That is discrimination, plain and simple.  Call EEOC and file charge.
3. Trump wants to put 5% tariff on Mexican imports because he is pouting over them not paying for the Wall.  He does not even care that could cause major job losses in Ciudad Juarez, Tijuana, and Mexico City.  Nancy to crab about it for 10 minutes on Meet the Press Sunday, and insist on hiring another special prosecutor.
4. The Federalist Society has had too much success in the appointment of conservative judges.  We liberals need to form an Anti-Federalist Society ASAP, so that we can turn the tide in all this Follow-the-Constitution jazz.  Ruth to follow up.
5. The protestors in London have shown the world how they feel about the President.  Agreed to have Elizabeth make calls to all media editing departments, thanking them for focusing camera work on the bad stuff, and ignoring any good stuff.
6. Pointed out that the term Socialism has too negative a connotation among citizens, because it ends in “ism”.  Agreed to change to Social-fun in all communication from now on.  Change Marxism to Marx-joy while we’re at it.
7. Climate change crisis is losing momentum because of confusion as to whether the Earth is getting too hot or getting too cold.  Need to get liberal scientists together, vote on it, and go with the majority.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, but are getting closer and closer to the truth.

Citizens belonging to the “Stop Government Stupidity” (SGS) grassroots organization have proposed a new law that they call Reverse Impeachment Jeopardy.  The law would stipulate that any politician who initiates meritless impeachment proceedings that waste the country’s money and divert the country’s attention from important business will automatically be impeached himself/herself.  The offenders would also lose their lucrative pension benefits in the reverse impeachment process, and find themselves actually having to go back to work, real work, to earn a living.

Opponents argue that such a radical move would prevent anyone from wanting to come forward to try and toss out a legitimate creep.  They say, if it had been enacted 50 years ago, then Nixon would have completed his term and Haldeman might have been elected the 38th president with Liddy as his running mate.  Jimmy Carter would have gone back to the peanut farm.

SGS firmly believes that the Washington impeachment madness needs to stop.  This item is a key element in their 10-point Stupidity Reduction plan…which includes such things as congressional term limits, frozen pay for all government workers, moving IRS administrative functions to a 3rd party outfit in Southeast Asia, and the prevention of lawyers from ever being able to run for any kind of office. Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until they become real.

Bizarreville Nation:

Yes, the newest and possibly funniest novel from Bizarreville Press is now available at Amazon.  It is called Merger Shmerger, a hilarious business satire that follows the merger of 2 fictional lawnmower device companies which have wildly different corporate cultures.  The story is presented as 5 first-person vantage points as each of the 5 individuals participate in various activities to try and close the deal.  As you would expect, zany hijinks ensues as they interact with each other.

Business lovers of all kinds will enjoy this book which features over 50 comic illustrations.  Click on the Merger Shmerger book cover in the right column to order your copy —–>

Earlier this month, Joe Biden hinted that he may take a run at the 2020 Presidential race.  Biden, who would be 78 years old when taking office, is considered by many Democrats to be too old to capture the new, young socialist-type thinking of the emerging generation of liberals.  His old ideas of just raising and raising and raising taxes, and wild pork-barrel spending on worthless projects are seen as passé, not going nearly far enough in terms of full government control.

Some have suggested naming an uber-lib as VP running mate early in the process.  Supporters say that if Biden ends up croaking while in office, then the door to socialism swings wide open.  And, once the country gets used to the new freeloading culture, they will never want to return to the mean old capitalist system.

It is a move that is catching fire quickly in the blue states, and especially in the ghettos within those blue states, who for decades have been seeking a way out of poverty, without of course having to work.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction-ish.

In an effort to show the President that he’s no loser, Mitt Romney has led an effort among several weak-kneed Republicans to overturn Trump’s national emergency declaration for the Mexican Border wall.  “We aren’t like those darn Democrats who always stand behind their leader.  We speak our own minds, even if it means siding with Pelosi and the other socialists across the aisle.”

Romney has been a Never-Trumper ever since Trump said that Romney “choked like a dog” after his failed 2012 Presidential race flop.  Trump added a bit of dramatic flair by starting to gag, and screaming “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.”  Romney responded that he has a dog, it does not choke, and is frankly unable to scream about not breathing.  “Any fool knows that dogs cannot talk.”

Insiders say that Romney is messing his own bed by trying to derail a major Trump campaign promise, and fiddling with an issue that has such strong public support.  His supporters insist that Mitt does not care about the negativism, and if worse comes to worse, has several job offers in Venezuela when his term expires.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, or in today’s parlance, fake news.

With the recent leadership change in the House of Representatives over to the Liberal/Socialist wing of Congress, there is a new fervor to quash all that is Trump.  Doesn’t matter what it is…if Trump likes it, it must be bad for the Lefties.  The Mexican border wall was certainly one example where numerous Democrats, who had formerly favored the wall, pivoted 180-degrees with the leadership wind change.  One Democrat was asked what possessed him to be such a conviction-less coward on an important issue like this.  He answered, “I’m not conviction-less, you are.”

Pelosi was recently asked if she favored providing economic incentives to minority-owned businesses in the ghetto.  She responded, “Absolutely!”  When then told that the President also favored the incentives, she barked, “You did not let me finish my sentence…Absolutely Not!”

She was then asked whether she supported new space missions to Mars.

“Space exploration is important to scientific discovery and technological advancement, but it must be done only after considering our country’s need to continue to support people’s right to choose not to work.  How does Mr. Trump feel about space exploration?”

“He’s in favor of it,” replied a reporter.

“As I said, I am totally against space exploration, and will fight to see those funds redeployed to the poor, under-motivated elements of our society.  Why spend millions to gather a handful of Mars Rocks, when you could use that money to feed thousands and thousands of lazy bums, derelicts, gang members, illegal aliens, and drug addicts that so desperately need our help.  The President just does not understand priorities.”

A spokesperson for the President was asked to respond to Pelosi’s comment, but only said, “Pffffftttttt.”  A gust of cold air ended the interview before the normal obnoxious follow-up questions could be spouted off.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional in this session of Congress.

Attention all fans of Bizarreville:

We have just published our first children’s book called Half the Fun.  It features a whole bunch of amazing and funny stories featuring the Kids of the 4th Avenue Club.  Your whole family will enjoy the humor and satire, along with the wonderful color illustrations.  This will be a great gift for your kids, grandkids, nephews, and/or nieces to put a bunch of smiles on their faces during the holiday season.  Just click on the book cover in the right hand column to get a link to Amazon.  You and your kids of all ages will love it! ——->>

When you hit the link to Amazon, check out the “Look Inside” feature to get a sampling of a few of the funny little stories.

The Administration is still pushing to get the Mexican wall built, but as usual, the question remains:  who is going to pay for it?  The President says that Mexico is going to pay for it with NAFTA cash streams somehow, and agreed to green-light having the 13 million illegal aliens supplying the bricklaying labor.  This would naturally mean redeploying all this labor from their current jobs running taco restaurants and doing landscape management, but he said he was willing to switch to Chinese food or fish sticks.

Materials costs would still be a problem, however one State Department individual suggested going to Germany and see if there were any leftover Berlin wall bricks they could buy or lease.  Another suggestion made was, with the legalization of pot spreading throughout the country, there will be prisons that become unoccupied, freeing up tons of wall materials and razor wire.

The President believes that these creative ideas will more or less support his campaign promise to have “others” build the wall, and not burden the American taxpayer.  Supporters say that while that is not technically true, it is close enough for government work.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least until they become actual reality.