March 22nd, 2010
Drunken drivers are drunker than ever
Reports from law enforcement offices are that drunken drivers over St. Patrick’s Day were far drunker than years past. Drivers pulled over and arrested had blood alcohol levels twice the legal limit on average, with some 3 times the limit. Authorities are wondering what has caused this surge…but think they may have the answer: Jello shots.
“We used to focus on excessive beer drinking,” the Police chief said. “But with the skyrocketing price of beer in bars, you will run out of money before you get drunk enough to be a danger on the road.”
“We also had considered excess Margarita drinkage as a potential problem. But our investigation showed that bars were watering the drinks down more and increasing the salt on the glass rims to increase their profit margins. A perpetrator would just about go into a salt-poisoning overdose state before getting above the legal alcohol limit.
“But we finally came across the Jello shot trend, and believe that may need to be the problem du jour to be tackled. We are in the process of encouraging bars to sell less-tasty Jello flavors like rhudabega or asparagus, if they suspect a customer has had too much. That may not stop them, but at least may slow them down while they shiver and shake off the taste.
“As always, we encourage drunk customers to call for a taxi. The only problem we’ve seen lately is that a lot of the taxi drivers are now getting drunk on jello shots. And it is so hard to determine if a taxi driver is drunk, because they drive like such idiots when they’re sober.”
