bizarreville

Continuously revitalizing the Obamanomic economy requires a new steady stream of replacing old/obsolete/beat-up paraphenalia with fresh new stuff.  In past decades, this was not so difficult because most manufacturers had well thought-out “planned obsolescence” built into their product lines.  These plans had assured that merchandise would fall apart, rust, collapse, or vaporize quickly and efficiently…often starting the deterioration process the instant the customer left the store’s front door.  Quality initiatives in the 1980’s unfortunately managed to thwart most of those creative efforts.  Rare exceptions still exist on such things as personal computers and smart phones which have managed to hold onto their 2-year-and-out technological obsolescence offerings, but even these are under attack by various quality initiatives.  In a confusing move, one smart phone company is now promoting their phone can withstand the weight of an elephant…in total defiance of Obamanomic theory.

Obamanomics successfully executed a trial balloon a couple years ago with the Cash for Clunkers (C4C) program, offering tax rebates on turned-in junk vehicles.  These so-called trade-ins were often such vile pieces of crap that they should have been outlawed from City streets with criminal penalties for hapless, willful endangerment of the public.  But the C4C program appealed to the Obamanomic primary focus group:  trailer park dwellers who kept their 1974 Buick Skylarks belching black smoke until they just wouldn’t start anymore.  C4C was hailed as a very successful program in administration circles to boost auto sales, and provide the enviro-sidebenefit as these junkers met the hydraulic crusher, transforming them into suitcases.

Administration insiders put 2 and 2 together and soon realized that C4C could be broadly applied to other big ticket retail items to spur consumer spending.  New automatic washers and dryers could replace old wringer washers and clotheslines.  New Nike shoes could replace old Converse All Stars.  Enormous ghetto-blasters could replace mid-size blasters.  Double-wides could replace singles.  Torn, ugly naugahyde couches could be replaced by untorn, ugly naugahyde couches.

But C4C has now become more than just a Program of the Month.  It is now a foundation element in the Obamanomic theory.  It is a new, less obvious, very creative way to funnel benefits to the underbelly, while boosting the economy along the way.  The beauty of it is that C4C can be expanded indefinitely to every category of product.  Any obsolete product can be called a “clunker”…from old worn-out underwear, to ugly hats, to last year’s fashion sunglasses, to jeans without holes in them, to golf putters, to Dell computers.  And, as always, the tax rebate benefits will be restricted to low-income and no-income citizens whether they actually pay tax or not…which continues to be a bone of contention with the opposition.    “We’re not going to quibble about whether a citizen actually pays tax or not,” an adminstration spokesman said.  “That’s not the point.  The point is replacing these disgusting clunkers to help society, help the economy, help the environment, help communities.  Focus.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even clunkers.