bizarreville

The USDA recently proposed new school lunch menus that offer low-income kids a broader choice in food selection, overturning restrictions enacted by the Obama Administration.  New choices would include burgers, pizza, and fries, and fewer entries such as kale, rutabaga, and processed pears.  The Agency said that kids were mostly throwing those so-called healthy options into the trash can because they tasted so badly.  They wanted to offer kids foods that they would actually eat.

Opponents argue that these new foods are high in salt, carbs, and fat content, and are likely to lead to childhood obesity.  A spokesman for the Agency responded, “I thought you idiots were worried about starvation in these kids.  Now you’re worried about obesity.  Which one is it?  You can’t be starving too badly if you’re 50 pounds overweight and buying clothes in the chubby section.”

As a compromise, the Agency may allow inclusion of the new meatless, plant-based burgers.  These new patties allegedly taste about the same as beef burgers, and give the impression to health fanatics as being a healthier alternative to real meat.  One kid responded, “Hey, if I don’t like it, I know where to put it.”

Poverty parents are applauding the new direction, since their kids will now come home less famished.  One parent living in subsidized housing remarked, “Give ’em double burgers, and we’ll be able to skip dinner entirely.  That will put a lot less pressure on my cigarette money.”  It appears to be a win/win.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so true.

Speaker Pelosi and some of her Socialist-minded friends are now turning their anger on Facebook.  This latest bit of rage came after Facebook refused to take down a post that showed the Speaker slurring her words.

“What Facebook did or didn’t do is irresponsible,” a spokesman for the Left commented.  “They are trying to make it look like she had just been smoking a doobie at an Impeachment Celebration party.  Remember, marijuana is legal in California now, and everyone here has the right to be high, even politicians.”

Pelosi said that Facebook only cares about making money and getting tax breaks by schmoozing Trump.  Other California Leftists added that Facebook people don’t care a lick about sharing wealth with our other comrades, putting an end to climate change, or implementing full government-run universal health care…causes that are important to an increasing number of young Facebook users, who have been methodically brainwashed by teachers to recognize “the truth.”  .  They warned that they better stay in touch with their customers, if they want to survive long term.

A Conservative spokesman asked, “How many other states have Marijuana Legalization on the ballot in November?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.

After a year of slithering, Nancy Pelosi has been able to finally find a thread of virtual-fault to pursue an impeachment process against the President.  Her Democratic base has been pressuring her to find something/anything to start some sort of impeachment path moving, even if it’s based on fake facts, fake documents, fake depositions, or fake conspiracy theories.  They were hoping to find an item a little less ludicrous than this Ukraine thing, but time was running out to get an accusation in the works prior to the 2020 election season.  If she dragged her feet, it’s likely she would get bounced…like a beachball at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Dems feel they need some sort of rubber bullet to combat the President’s record of building a very strong economy with its record low levels of unemployment, 50 percent stock market gain, low inflation, wage growth across the board, and impressive GDP gains each quarter.  Most voters know that if Democrats win next year, the economy will bee-line for the toilet…so they need a red herring to convince low-info people that there’s more to consider than just prosperity.  This will be especially true if Dems nominate a socialist-leaning, anti-prosperity candidate such as Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders…each who have been doing some squalor-benchmarking from their beat-up ’55 Chevys down in Cuba.

The President has asked Ms. Pelosi to speed up this nonsense so that the Senate can bring this time-waster to a quick conclusion.  The Speaker has said she prefers to drag it out as long as possible.  This gives the news media has an ample chance to badger the President, in order to offset his ever present blabbering about how good the economy is doing…that, frankly, their base of squalor-huggers couldn’t care less about.

“Economy, e-shmonomy,” an advisor remarked, while reading her latest copy of Pravda.  “It’s not the economy, stupid.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…or are they?

Mitt Romney recently decided to make another move in his apparent desire to switch parties, and try to become a Democrat.  In this case, he spoke out, once again, to hammer the President.  This time it was about the fake news regarding the President’s conversation with the Ukrainian President to allegedly look into Biden’s shenanigans.  Romney’s continuing alignment with Democrats on most issues has impressed Democratic leadership who love the whole idea of political traitors.  However, the leaders really favor him staying as a Republican to subterfuge the President and make it look like there is widespread dissention within the party.

Liberal insiders say that Romney must do much more, if he wants to gain standing in their world.  “Perhaps if he was to do something dramatic, like transgender himself, he would demonstrate his seriousness in switching directions,” a left-wing spokesperson suggested.

Romney, of course, was an unsuccessful Republican candidate for President in 2012, losing by a landslide to Obama, when voters discovered that Romney was such an empty suit.  He was quite bitter at many Republicans who failed to support him, and seems committed to undermining as many of them as possible.  And to help him do this, he continues to support the concept of allowing freedom for broadcasting fake news as a First Amendment Right, a strongly held liberal position, as well.

A Romney spokesman said that the Senator is not contemplating any sex change at this time, and even if he did, he would not undertake the surgery option.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case you could not figure that out yourself.

The President recently announced his intention to ratchet up the trade war with China another couple notches by enacting a 200 percent tariff on soy sauce.  He did not say if this was a reaction to China’s imposing their own tariff on soy beans, but logic would suggest that the soy sauce tariff would fit his retaliatory strategy when dealing with snotty-ish opponents.  With tariffs going both ways on soy (beans and sauce), the price of soy sauce will skyrocket.

Chinese restaurant owners were furious when they heard the news.  “This will absolutely kill our take-out business,” one owner complained.  “No one is going to want to eat Egg Foo Young naked.”  When asked whether the tariffs will impact their sit-down business, he said that no one gets tables anymore because the place stinks too bad; they just grab the bag and run.  He said they are thinking about turning their dining room into a fitness center with treadmills, so that customers waiting for orders have something to do.

The Administration has encouraged Chinese restauranteurs to experiment with new sauces, such as salsa or guacamole.  “You might discover a whole new food genre that you could call ‘Chexican’…General Tso chicken with enchilada sauce and sweet/sour refried beans.  Who wouldn’t love a Moo Goo Taco with some Mexican fried rice?  Could be a huge hit with people who are always looking for the next big thing.  Serendipity.”

It’s still early to tell whether the soy sauce tariff will be a real tariff or a fake tariff.  Meanwhile, the woks in the Chinese kitchens may start smelling like cilantro.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally written.

Just released is our new novel from the presses at Bizarreville.  Nanny State is a wild, satire that chronicles a week in the life of Senator Jack Belfner, as he attempts to persuade his colleagues in the Senate on the merits of a new proposal that would allow one of the States to secede from the Union, and establish its own ultra-liberal nation where the government runs everything in people’s lives.  You may remember our hero, Jack, from The Obamanation novel.  Nanny State picks up where The Obamanation left off, and continues the hilarious misadventures of Jack, his family, and the other zany characters.  You will love it.  Click on the book cover image on the right to get your copy…before the vote happens. —–>

Elizabeth Warren was just nominated for the 2019 Angriest Person in America award by the National Crab Ass Society (NCAS).  This distinction comes on the heels of her angry tirades at the recent Democratic Candidate debate, where she went off the deep end denouncing free enterprise, sniping at all corporations, viciously attacking health care providers, and showing intense hatred toward any/all individuals who have ever achieved some modicum of success in their lives.  Her rants were cheered by the debate audience members, most of whom were crabby, card-carrying members of the NCAS.  Some audience members commented later, however, that some of her angry remarks were a bit over-the-top, making her look like she was just pretending to be super-angry for the cameras.  Her staff members said No, she is sincerely a raging maniac, embittered by the lack of pleasures in life, and transfixed on politically destroying any remaining happy campers left in the country.  She believes if she can win the Presidency, she can level the playing field by turning all the happy winners into angry losers.

One reporter asked if she turns the winners into losers, wouldn’t the losers turn into uber-losers?  She responded that there is not all that much stratification in the loser classification, so it would not really matter that much…losers are losers are losers.

Her angry assault in a recent Senate Banking Committee meeting aimed at Wells Fargo CEO Stumpf, ultimately forcing him to get tossed out of his job, had won her additional points with the NCAS Nominating Committee.  “She’s consistent in her shouts, screams, and blaring negativism about everything in the country,” commented a NCAS spokesperson.  “And her anger is not just for anger’s sake…it gets the job done.  You’ve got to respect that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but we are still wishing some may come true.

1. Trump is still acting mean.
2. The Administration still thinks the poor asylum seekers from Central America are scam artists, just because they have past criminal records and are lazy good-for-nothings unfit for regular work.  That is discrimination, plain and simple.  Call EEOC and file charge.
3. Trump wants to put 5% tariff on Mexican imports because he is pouting over them not paying for the Wall.  He does not even care that could cause major job losses in Ciudad Juarez, Tijuana, and Mexico City.  Nancy to crab about it for 10 minutes on Meet the Press Sunday, and insist on hiring another special prosecutor.
4. The Federalist Society has had too much success in the appointment of conservative judges.  We liberals need to form an Anti-Federalist Society ASAP, so that we can turn the tide in all this Follow-the-Constitution jazz.  Ruth to follow up.
5. The protestors in London have shown the world how they feel about the President.  Agreed to have Elizabeth make calls to all media editing departments, thanking them for focusing camera work on the bad stuff, and ignoring any good stuff.
6. Pointed out that the term Socialism has too negative a connotation among citizens, because it ends in “ism”.  Agreed to change to Social-fun in all communication from now on.  Change Marxism to Marx-joy while we’re at it.
7. Climate change crisis is losing momentum because of confusion as to whether the Earth is getting too hot or getting too cold.  Need to get liberal scientists together, vote on it, and go with the majority.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, but are getting closer and closer to the truth.

Citizens belonging to the “Stop Government Stupidity” (SGS) grassroots organization have proposed a new law that they call Reverse Impeachment Jeopardy.  The law would stipulate that any politician who initiates meritless impeachment proceedings that waste the country’s money and divert the country’s attention from important business will automatically be impeached himself/herself.  The offenders would also lose their lucrative pension benefits in the reverse impeachment process, and find themselves actually having to go back to work, real work, to earn a living.

Opponents argue that such a radical move would prevent anyone from wanting to come forward to try and toss out a legitimate creep.  They say, if it had been enacted 50 years ago, then Nixon would have completed his term and Haldeman might have been elected the 38th president with Liddy as his running mate.  Jimmy Carter would have gone back to the peanut farm.

SGS firmly believes that the Washington impeachment madness needs to stop.  This item is a key element in their 10-point Stupidity Reduction plan…which includes such things as congressional term limits, frozen pay for all government workers, moving IRS administrative functions to a 3rd party outfit in Southeast Asia, and the prevention of lawyers from ever being able to run for any kind of office. Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until they become real.

Bizarreville Nation:

Yes, the newest and possibly funniest novel from Bizarreville Press is now available at Amazon.  It is called Merger Shmerger, a hilarious business satire that follows the merger of 2 fictional lawnmower device companies which have wildly different corporate cultures.  The story is presented as 5 first-person vantage points as each of the 5 individuals participate in various activities to try and close the deal.  As you would expect, zany hijinks ensues as they interact with each other.

Business lovers of all kinds will enjoy this book which features over 50 comic illustrations.  Click on the Merger Shmerger book cover in the right column to order your copy —–>

Earlier this month, Joe Biden hinted that he may take a run at the 2020 Presidential race.  Biden, who would be 78 years old when taking office, is considered by many Democrats to be too old to capture the new, young socialist-type thinking of the emerging generation of liberals.  His old ideas of just raising and raising and raising taxes, and wild pork-barrel spending on worthless projects are seen as passé, not going nearly far enough in terms of full government control.

Some have suggested naming an uber-lib as VP running mate early in the process.  Supporters say that if Biden ends up croaking while in office, then the door to socialism swings wide open.  And, once the country gets used to the new freeloading culture, they will never want to return to the mean old capitalist system.

It is a move that is catching fire quickly in the blue states, and especially in the ghettos within those blue states, who for decades have been seeking a way out of poverty, without of course having to work.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction-ish.