bizarreville

Posts Tagged ‘zany’

New, who-woulda-thunk groups coming out in support of public option

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”