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Notes from the White House pest exterminator’s logbook

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February 21st, 2010 Posted 10:14 pm

Wednesday

9:05 am:  Went through the metal detector at the WH.  Was told my boots were too filthy for the WH carpet. Had to go to the restroom to scrub them down.

9:25 am:  I said Hello to the Pork/Earmark Czar in the north hallway, but he just grunted back.  Guess if you’re a “Czar” you don’t have to talk to common people like me.  But now that I think of it, I do remember a little Russian history, and that was true of czars.

9:55 am:  Sprayed the Chief of Staff office.  He stayed on the phone at his desk, so I had to work around him.  I thought I heard a large rat near his closet.  But it turned out to be his Exec Assistant who was making a squeaky noise when he talked.  Man, that was an irritating sound.

pest10:13 am:  Checked the mouse traps in the cafeteria.  All the cheese was gone, but the traps had not engaged.  I’ll bet one of those punk interns grabbed the cheese yesterday as an afternoon snack.  Probably feels pretty clever that he did it without getting snapped…or maybe he did get snapped, and just reset it to avoid embarassment.

10:47 am:  Sprayed the johns.  All smelled pretty bad.  Who knows what these goofballs eat around here.  Maybe Mexican?  Probably get free meals, compliments of us taxpayers.  I’ll bet they all get free chips and salsa delivered to their office whenever they want it.

11:18 am:  Unable to get into the main meeting room.  These guys just seem to sit in meetings all day.  Sit and talk, talk and sit.  That ain’t work.  Then they leave the meeting to go to another meeting.  They call them briefings.  Does that mean they drop trou and sit around in their skivvys?  Why would they do that?  Seems kind of perverted to me.

12:07 pm:  Broke for lunch.  Ate my salami sandwich while these clowns down the hall are probably eating steak tar-tar.  Reminder:  need to throw out the rest of this loaf of bread.

1:00 pm:  Shot a few hoops at the WH basketball court…until some Secret Service guy told me to leave.  I told him I was just spraying in here.  He called me a liar, and started to call for backup.  So I just left.

2:13 pm:  Inadvertently bumped into some muckety muck in a freshly pressed designer suit while I was spraying the west corridor.  He accused me of getting “pestulant odor” on his suit, and he would have to have it dry cleaned.  I said I was sorry, and I didn’t smell any “pestulant odor” on him.  He just said, “yeah, easy for you to say,” and walked away.

3:00 pm:  Completed my rounds and started heading out.  You know, I could do any of these jobs here.  But things would be different if I was in charge.  First off there would no more meetings, period.  Then I would give the janitors and other service people a 20 percent raise, no make it 25.  I’d have the czars cleaning the toilets, and filling up my office humidor with fresh cigars every day.  Yeah, man, a lot different…..

 

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