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Posts Tagged ‘weinergate’

WeinerGate, update #14

After days and days of dodging questions about whether the famous Twitter photo was a depiction of him, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally issued a firm denial that it was his weiner in the shot.  “Let me just clear the record,” Weiner stated.  “My staff has completed a thorough investigation of this matter, and has proof beyond any shadow of a doubt that the protruding member is not mine, nor anyone in my close circle.”

Weiner refused to go on record with the specific evidence of proof, but inside sources say that the sizing was the critical determinant.  The source said there was a time in his life when he might have been that large, but his liberalness over past decades would have shrunk it by 30 to 40 percent.  Furthermore, his pathetic voting record on tough-minded spending cuts would have essentially drained all the testosterone from his body, which in turn, would have caused another 15 to 18% shrivelling.  Urological experts agree that there is no way such a flaming gutless liberal could generate or maintain that size.

Congressman Weiner continues to bristle at the jokes between the male member and his proud family surname, according to his chief of staff L. Richard Schwantz.  “He has been teased, ridiculed, jabbed, and made fun of since he was 7 years old,” Schwantz stated.  “He has endured the cackles, smirks, and spit-takes everytime his name is announced in public.  For a time in college, he tried to get everyone to pronounce with the German pronunciation “Veener”, but everyone just laughed and said, ‘Okay, Weiner Boy.'”

The congressman is expecting to be the butt of an additional round of Late Night talk show jokes with this new revelation and associated rumor of sizing deficiency.  The Main stream press, however, is expected to continue to go easy on him, since the vast majority of mainstream reporters have suffered from the same embarrassing shrinkage affliction.  Some reporters have allegedly gone as far as employing prosthetics in public appearances to disguise their issue, and are likely to be extremely sympathetic to the congressman in their ongoing coverage, and may even offer some campaigning advice.

In the meantime, the congressman has deep-sixed his Twitter account to prevent any copy-cat weiner shooters from hacking into his account.  He has also changed his Facebook user name from Weiner Face to New York Hosebag, supposedly a throwback to an old family name on his mother’s side.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear must be real.