Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘something for nothing’

Free Lunch

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March 9th, 2010 Posted 2:17 am

freelunchDisproving another adage, Bizarreville is now offering a Free Lunch from 12 noon to 1:00 pm Monday through Friday.  It is being done with no adverse impact to current taxpayers, and no strings attached.  It is totally free, and open to anyone and everyone who wants or needs a lunch.

Free Lunch will be available at the former home of Shanky’s Bar-B-Q, the originators of the baby back donkey ribs and the cabbage-flavored barbeque sauce.  Shanky’s, as most know, went belly-up after the alleged food poisoning epidemic and associated lawsuits.

One word of caution for the lunch freeloaders who might be tempted to take advantage of this enticing opportunity.  The bill of fare consists of a variety of pre-digested, processed, and freshly scooped dog food…somewhat watery in texture and pungent to the nose.  It is not particularly appetizing, but it is free, and free in basically unlimited quantities.  Free Lunch also solves a perplexing environmental problem…but that is the subject of another story.

Free Lunch is brought to you by your friends on the Liberal Left, who believe that quantity is more important than quality, and that everyone has an inalienable right to the pursuit of food.  Free Lunch will be funded by the future, not-yet-conceived grandchildren of Bizarreville taxpayers.  Thank you letters have been written, and will be sent/opened when the babies are born and become old enough to read.  When the kids reach 21 years of age, they will receive the invoice.

Six paid sick days mandate is creating industrial nausea

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November 24th, 2009 Posted 3:03 pm

Bizarreville is trying to quickly follow New Hampshire’s initiative – a government requirement to provide 6 paid sick days off per year for each and every employee on the payroll.  Government officials are not exactly making it a requirement to be sick 6 days/year, but admit that it would be “extremely helpful” if all people would contract some ailment to meet the specified quota.  “There are many ailments out there, but Flu would certainly be a suggested choice, and there are many, many places where it can be gotten.”  Officials are dissuading people from catching the Cold, because that is often considered too lame an excuse for taking a day off.

Shmelker Industries claimed that this was the stupidest idea since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution.  Historians, however, responded that this comment was inaccurate, and that there were considerably more ideas stupider than this one:  the Edsel, new Coke, Mr. Potato Head, to name a few.  Shmelker quipped they used to give lapel pins for perfect attendance but were now being mandated to give them to all who miss 6 days of work or less.  “Maybe we should call it Fair-To-Midlin Attendance, rather than Perfect Attendance?”  Unamused officials said, “No, six or less is perfect…don’t be a punk.”

Labor unions have been generally positive about the change but insisted that “overstress” also be considered a legitimate reason for taking a day, and that Doctor Bartender be authorized as a sanctioned treatment center.  Officials indicated that this would comply with the reg, but the employee would have to  get a signed slip from the bartender before returning to work.

Some opponents have argued that this is just another example of government control mania…wanting to take over more and more aspects of business and personal life oversight.  The government response to that: “What was that guy’s name, and where does he live?”bizarre80

Shlumbucker Inc. said that this concept of paying for nothing is spreading to the other areas of their business.  A bearing supplier recently sent them a pallet of empty boxes, but still invoiced for full payment.  The situation was a bit embarrassing for execs at Derford Bearing Company, but they tried to lighten things up, “Guess those bearings were just sick that day and decided to stay home (ha, ha).”  Later, those execs checked into Bizarreville Hospital with minor contusions/lacerations to their ears from scraping on asphalt.

Money growing-on-trees technology is ready for market

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October 22nd, 2009 Posted 9:17 am

Bizarreville economists have teamed with Research botanists to successfully create a new strain of mountain ash trees which produce money leaves.  That is correct…cash, moola, hard currency blooming on the tree.  This had been a long-term stealth research project for years which had struggled to achieve success.  The original goal was to encourage more tree-planting, but later the team expanded goals to include trying to discover a renewable source of currency.  But with hard work, determination, and genetic experimentation, success has arrived.

It takes about 10 years for the tree to mature before it produces full-size green twenties, and another 5 years before fifties will fruit.  But once there, each tree can produce bushel-baskets full of fresh cash, ready for immediate spending.

It’s best to pick the cash before late autumn when bills start to shrivel, brown, fall off the trees, and rot.  Harvesting in September/October also times perfectly with the beginning of the frantic Christmas shopping season…so you can pick and shop, pick some more, shop some more.

According the the Bizarreville Tree Czar, plans are to plant these trees initially in the ghettos and other areas of economic distress.  This will allow underprivileged citizens to go out and pick some handfuls of fresh bills, then go buy nacho chips, TV’s, underwear, athletic shoes, beer, and video games…whatever needs they truly need to fill.


Eventually, the money trees will replace welfare and food stamps, and all the associated overhead with running these bloated bureaucracies.  The trees will also displace the new “Handouts for Anything/Everything” program, the “Deadbeats Cash Assistance” program, and the “Tax Breaks for Non-taxpayers” program, with a much more efficient way to distribute money. 

Economists remind us: “People who want to work a little harder and shake the tree or climb up on the branches can get a little more than those who just wait for the cash to fall off.  It’s like an incentive program…which should sorta please ardent right-wingers who believe in rewards for hard work.  But don’t worry, left-wingers, there’s really plenty for everyone.  So enjoy!”