Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

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Mr. Ambiguity holds bankers accountable

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December 18th, 2009 Posted 2:06 pm

bizarre151Good afternoon.  Today we’re speaking with a member of the
Bizarreville White House cabinet.  Your name is…
                                        You can just call me Mr. Ambiguity.
Okay, fine, Mr. Ambiguity….we understand that you have
recently met with a host of ‘Fat Cat’ bankers (I believe that
is what you called them).  These would be, what….the CEO’s
of some large banks?
                                        Yes.  We met with these overweight greedy
                                        Master Bastards earlier this week.  Read them the
                                        full, unabridged Riot Act for causing the whole world
                                        financial crisis, which put the country in this recession.
                                        It was a brutal butt-chewing… poop on the ceiling.
I heard that you did all this over a lavish dinner of 2-inch
thick New York strip steaks, fine Napa cabernet, and
creme brulee.
                                        Well, yes.  We wanted to thank them for paying back the
                                        stimulus funds early, several months ahead of schedule.
                                       And for starting to ease up credit a bit for small
                                       businesses out there.
I thought….I mean, earlier you sounded like you had been
angry at them for getting into trouble in the first place?
                                        Damn straight.  We pointed out in no uncertain terms
                                        their loosey goosey lending policies…approving loans
                                        for gold bricks and ne’er-do-wells who had no intention
                                       on ever repaying.  We told them if it ever happened
                                       again, someone would be going to jail.
But weren’t you guys the ones who told them to make
credit easier so that more people could afford personal
                                        Yes.  And we thanked them for taking on such a
                                        daunting challenge, responding to our suggestions.
                                        They helped millions of people out there, literally
                                        millions.  We gave each one of the bankers a poinsetta
                                        as a token of our deep appreciation.
Daunting challenge?  They used all kinds of hedging and
derivative schemes with reinsurance tricks.  Those guys
are professional bankers, for crying out loud…trained,
trained, and re-trained in proper accounting methods.
                                        We agree.  These knuckleheads know better.  Have
                                        half a mind to call their alma maters and revoke
                                        their college degrees.
Why haven’t you done that already?  What are you
waiting for…an Act of Congress?
                                        Well, some Bankers have been pretty nice, outstanding
                                        contributors to our campaign…hundreds of thousands
                                        of dollars of welcome loot.  In fact, a couple of them are
                                        staying in the Chester Arthur bedroom as a reward for
                                        being such loyal friends.
So they’ve basically pre-bought your silence, when it
comes to calling the college dean?
                                        Hell no.  In fact, I just put it on my To Do list.  Here it
                                        is…right here:  Call Harvard on Tuesday.  I’ll rip them
                                        a new one Tuesday.
Well thank you, Mr. Ambiguity.  You certainly have lived
up to your stellar reputation.
                                        Thank you.  It’s been a pleasure talking to you…except
                                        for the times when it was boring and mundane.  Where’s
                                        the door….this way?

Coreless Senators face tough choice on whom to suck

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December 17th, 2009 Posted 2:36 pm

bizarre149Sensing there was some leakage wisping among the Dems in the Bizarreville Senate on the upcoming Health Care vote, Leader Harry Dweed took decisive action.  He needed a professional, skilled at driving alignment.  Dweed brought in Shlembo, the circus lion-tamer, with a reputation for taking the meanest, nastiest, most ornery beasts and breaking their wills.

Shlembo is highly skilled in using 2 whips in his taming technique.  Allegedly, Shlembo can snap an unfiltered Camel cigarette out of a Senator’s mouth before he can exhale one ounce of secondary smoke.  He can pick off a single curly hair with one swift crack.  He claims he can have these stubborn hold-outs dancing the hokey-pokey in their underwear by vote time.

Some blue dog Dems are understandably in a bit of a pinch….they are stuck between supporting their loyal, loving constituents back home versus sucking up to Harry.  “It’s so darn difficult when your core values are fluid,” said one unnamed wind blowee.  “In today’s world, you absolutely must keep your belief system flexible.  Hey, just last night I had a talk with my family about converting to Scientology so we could be more hip.  I ordered a chicken sandwich at a MacDonald’s for lunch when I saw the lousy poll ratings on Burger-eater favorability.  Just made the big move to boxers.  It’s all about being smart.”

Dweed thinks Shlembo will snap these coreless wonders into shape and get their thinking straight.  “Either that or they’re gonna have some sore backsides,”  Dweed is serious as a heart attack on this issue.  “Socialized medicine is the most critical fundamental building block in our drive to expunge the old capitalistic ways.  We can’t let it all fall apart because a couple confused dingleberries forgot how to wipe their  a$$#*!$.”

Gitmo prisoners going to Furk

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December 16th, 2009 Posted 1:12 pm

Law enforcement authorities report that the infamous islamo-terrorists currently incarcerated at the military prison in Gitmo will soon be transferred to Bizarreville’s Furk Prison.  The new prisoners will enjoy full rights of any slug or sleazeball that is detained there.bizarre150

This move was quite a pleasant surprise for Bizarreville Prisons Inc, who had been courting various other entities to build the sagging population of Furk Prison.  The prison has been on hard times in recent decades.  Once a bastion of maximum security and nastiness, the campus had fallen into disrepair, failing to modernize with new fitness gyms, high-tech kitchens, olympic-size pools, and flat-screen televisions with satellite sports packages that most modern prison facilities have come to expect.  The prison population continued to dwindle as more and more cons demanded transfers or just died.  A new warden was brought in 6 months ago, pledging to rebuild Furk and regain its status as a first-rate, 5-star slammer.  A new chef was brought in who used to slop hash at Sing-Sing…could make a tasty meatloaf out of meat byproducts.

Inmates are strongly objecting to this move.  They had enjoyed the year-round sunny climate where they could enjoy outdoor sports such as polo and squash…or even sun-bathing at the beach.  But this move to a freaking cold place has been an unpopular concept, where they will be certain to be freezing their gujingas off while shooting hoops on an iced-over asphalt parking lot.  “Go away and mind your own business, you a$$#%!*$,” commented Oflunkee dur Monkee, the mastermind of 6 subway bombings and inventor of the dastardly fart-bomb.  “Crank up those BeeGee songs at 2am…we’re all learning how to disco.”

Citizens have had mixed reactions to the new inmates…many concerned about these dirtbags having “friends” out in public who will vow retaliation, but others very happy that this has created over 100 new jobs for prison guards, food servers, and janitors of various kind.  The Chamber of Commerce has come out strongly in favor of the move, and continues to comb the globe to look for other crap-bags that people don’t want in order to fill the prison…possibly even expand the prison in the years to come.  “This could be our future, our niche,”  cited the Chamber president, lighting up a previously-smoked cigar.

Stimulus receivers refuse to say how they’re misusing funds

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December 15th, 2009 Posted 2:49 pm

The Bizarreville Stimulus Funding Disbursement Dept announced that there are 4300 agencies/companies who had received economic stimulus handouts, but failed to fill out the proper reports on what they are actually doing with the money.  While it only accounts for $25 to 30 billion of the total, it’s still a significant problem, according to the department.bizarre148

Part of the problem, admits the department, was known in advance.  “Many billions were given to groups of illiterate ignoramuses and/or people who can barely speak the English language, let alone write it,” said a spokesman.  “How could we possibly expect these ignorant people to fill out reports?”  When it was suggested that the reports are extremely simple, easy enough for a D-student 2nd grader to fill out, the spokesman responded, “What’s your point?”

Some other firms simply said that they do not have time or resources to complete the reports.  They claim they are too busy spending the money to be able to sit someone down to fill out paperwork.  But they have come up with a solution:  earmark some extra stimulus funds just to fill out reports.  “One bil…two at most…should cover it,”  reported a stimulee.  “Maybe three, if we hire a staff of graphic artists to make the reports visually appealing.”

Some other firms claimed they were unable to get logged-onto the website to get the report template.  But department computer geeks cyber-investigated that story, reporting that they are unmitigated liars.  The geeks can show electronic proof that, yes, they did log-in, and yes, they did download the report templates.  The department is contemplating cutting off funding to these liars, but as of yet have found no legal grounds to halt the gravy train.  They suspect that funds are being totally misused, but can find no definition distinguishing “good use” from “misuse” in the bill.