bizarreville

Posts Tagged ‘satire’

The Guy in the Chair over there isn’t breathing

A group of Bizarreville congresspeople has proposed the concept of Term Limits.  They use the example of 90-year old Congressman Ferbert Clodge, who has been a member for 54 years….longer than most others have been alive.  His decrepid health condition requires an Aide to push him around to meetings in a wheelchair, help him accomplish certain bodily functions in his frequent trips to the Mens room, and read to him Today’s marching orders from the Majority Whip.  The latter is necessary so he knows how to vote, when to pick his nose, what not to say in front of cameras, and when to fart.

“This is an abomination,” commented one of the young members.  “Look at that guy.  He doesn’t know if he’s in Punksville or Skunksville.  The only groups he’s effectively representing are the vegetable groups in your refrigerator.  He tips over in his wheelchair every time the air conditioning system kicks on.  This numb-dumb is the poster child for term limits…or in his case, the poster anti-child.”

Obviously, the dilemma is thinking that incumbents would vote for their own pink slips…particularly after they get used to the lavish life style, bolstered by the lobbyist gift parade.  In the past, even the wide-eyed freshmen took about 14 nano-seconds to get sucked in.

But the new class is sick and tired of this business-as-usual crap, and vows to put a stop to the Rot-in-your-chair policy.  They’re not sure how exactly to do it, but are starting with a national advertising campaign.  The theme is unannounced yet, but sources say it will feature rocking chairs, squeaky bone noises, and dust…..lots and lots of dust.

To get Health care passage, Congress considers the Beer amendment

Congressman Burfman, supported overwhelmingly by his constituents, is pressing hard for passage of his Beer Amendment in the Health Care bill.  The Beer Amendment would classify beer as a prescription medication under the auspices of the FDA.

Initially, many were against the concept of having beer under federal authority…the oversight, the bureaucrazy, the numbskull rules and regulations, etc.  But Burfman explained how it would work under the new Health Care plan.

“Here’s how it would work.  You go to your family doctor, and claim that you’re totally stressed-out, causing palpitations, tremors, headaches, whatever.  The Doc prescribes beer…and not some wimpy “Light” beer, but a full-bodied pale ale…and makes the prescription to specify taking one six-pack per day.  Now here’ s where the fun comes in.  You go to the mail order prescription firm, and get a 90-day supply for a lousy $10 co-pay.  Huh??  That’s right!!  You get 540 premium pale ales, over 22 cases of brewskies for one sawbuck.  I believe that comes to 2 cents per beer, if my math is correct.  Now is this an idea we can all find some common ground on?  Can we cross the aisle, shake hands on this?”

The Budget Office is running the numbers.  But their preliminary analysis is that this would be a hell of a lot cheaper than some of the so-called “regular” nervous/anxiety meds priced out the wazoo.  It appears they will give it the green light.

Meanwhile, some of the old fogies in the Bizarreville Congress object that this whole thing is totally ridiculous, absurd, and out of the question, “Beer medicine…baaaah.”  But Burfman replies, “Why not a Beer Amendment?  There’s a lot more stupid stuff in the freaking Health Care bill than the Beer Amendment.”

Meet Mofunkra, the jihad warrior wannabe

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.

Tear down this freaking wall

Many, many years ago on the East side of Bizarreville, an epidemic of weed growth overtook many of the grassy lawns.  The weed outbreak spread from lawn to lawn to lawn very quickly, prompting fear among all Bizarreville citizens.  At Town Hall meetings, people cried out for solutions.  Finally Frank Gorbasluff suggested “Let’s build a wall.  We’ll quarantine off the East side so the weed spores stay over there, and can’t migrate over here.”  The people applauded the idea, and immediately started to work on building the wall.  They also installed checkgates so that Easterners who had weed spores on their shoes could not enter the West side until they took a shower and fully cleansed shoes, socks, and other garments.

But over the years, the wall became a major political issue. segregating the Weedy Eastern Bizarrevillians from the Non-weedy Westerners.  Easterners would call the other side Weed Virgins, while Westerners would respond back calling the other side Weed  F#*^!#*$.  As you can imagine, it became very divisive.

About 20 years ago, President Reagan was passing through Bizarreville on his way to a Bar-B-Q restaurant somewhere.  Reagan heard about the rancor between East and West, and decided to pitch-in and help.  He tracked down the originator of the whole wall idea, and said the famous words, “Mister Gorbasluff, tear down this wall.  Go spray some freaking weed-killer over there, and that’ll take care of it all.  Trust me.”

Of course, as all know, that’s exactly what Gorbasluff did, and the rest is history.  They tore down the wall, double-sprayed with Weed Exterminator Plus, and green grass proliferated.  And East shook hands with West, although both applied that hand disinfectant afterwards…hey, true reconciliation takes a little time.

Party Chief calls Earmarks gross, disgusting, putrid

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Unemployment solutions dismissed as ‘work beneath us’

Bizarreville leaders are perplexed about what next to do, now that unemployment has tipped over 10 percent.  They are belatedly all realizing that their so-called “stimulation” just stimulated themselves.  Citizens are getting pretty tired of watching all the self-stimulation by these guys, and are demanding something new.

One proposal was to do some work on Pothole Boulevard, a road that has fallen into major disrepair over many years.  The suggestion was made to have the Unemployed with shovels and wheelbarrows filling the 16 gazillion potholes that have turned the boulevard into a slalom course.  But critics argue that if you fill the potholes, we would have to change the name of the street, entailing huge costs of re-signage, new maps, GPS changes, retraining, and so on.  Besides, “Patchhole Boulevard” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Another suggestion was to have the Out-of-Work form clean-up teams to clean up the filth and grossness in some of the East side neighborhoods….trash, garbage, animal feces, beer cans, wee wee …just pick up the junk and power-clorox-wash the whole freaking place.  But opponents argue that won’t solve the root cause of the problem:  people treating their neighborhoods like pig stys.  It will all just get re-messed a few weeks later, and return to Filth-boro.

A third idea was to turn them into entrepreneurs by planting vegetable gardens at the Bizarreville Landfill, and setting up veggie stands to peddle their harvests.  But nay-sayers responded that growing any kind of food on that nasty landfill would probably be laced with carcinogens, mad cow diseases, and purple fungus.  “No one’s gonna eat that sh*!#.”

It was becoming abundantly clear that the unemployed really did not want to do this kind of stuff…much simpler to stay at home and collect unemployment checks.  “That kind of work is way beneath us.  We’ve come a long way, and no way we’re going back in that direction,” said an Association for the Unemployed spokesperson.  “Are those nacho cheese chips over there?  Yeah…pass ’em here.”

Simpli-tax, the series. Part 8

Join our merry band of CPA’s as they meet up with their long-time, high-powered Lobbyists that they think will help them stop the whole tax simplification movement.  Imagine their surprise when the Lobbyists tell them that they have switched alliance, and now will be advocating for the other side…to push hard for the simplified tax structure.  What will happen?  Will there be a brouhaha?  Click on Simpli-tax, and join the fun.

Cap’n Trade is darn good for you

New from Quacker Oats – it’s Cap’n Trade cereal.  Much different than those old crispy, crunchy cereals that make so much racket and hurt your poor gums, Cap’n Trade offers you that soggy, mushy consistency that you’ve loved so much over the years.  Just add milk, and watch the morsels turn into a limp, pasty mush that you’re sure to enjoy.

It should be noted, as part of this announcement, that Quacker Oats is eliminating all of its other cereal brands…the sweet tastes, the fruity aromas, the crunchy textures.  All those offerings, honestly, were just not good for you.  So they’re gone.  Now Quacker offers 1 brand that’s good for you.  And you’re gonna like it…

Because it’s Healthy.  That’s right.  Quacker has spent years in product development to bring you Cap’n Trade, which offers things no other cereal company can boast.  One advantage is that it will reduce your you-know-what emissions by over 20%!  Imagine that…20 percent.  Cap’n Trade’s special formulation of oat bran, Gas-X, and sodium bicarbonate will make you feel like you just capped your keister.  Won’t that be nice…for you, your family members, and really the entire Globe when you add it all up.  That’s a lot of carbon emissions, if you know what I mean.

Plus, in every box, kids will find a free professional Soccer player trading card.  Everyone remembers what happened with Baseball trading cards over the years; old ones are worth a fortune now.  Imagine the fun as your kids save these valuable cards, trade them with their friends, while at the same time retaining a high-return investment for their college futures.  Slam dunk, money in the bank.

So pick up a box of Cap’n Trade cereal at your local grocer.  And proudly show your friends how darn smart you are by reducing “tail pipe” emissions, and investing smartly for the future.  We’re sure they will think you’re brilliant, simply brilliant.

Pssst…I’ve got some H1N1 vaccine for ya’

Rather than griping and moping about the current shortage of the H1N1 virus vaccine, wily Bizarreville entrepreneurs have decided to get creative, and take things into their own hands.  Burning the midnight oil in their Disease Labs, a consortium of pathologists, medical professionals, and unemployed auto workers who happened to be staying at a nearby Holiday Inn Express came up with an alternate solution:  dubbed the F1Y1 vaccine.

Normally flu vaccines use dead virus bugs in their formulation, which develops an immunity to the new virus entering the body.  The consortium has a different idea:  “Screw that whole dead virus thing.  People just end up getting sick and sitting all night on the crapper anyway.  We don’t mess with any viruses: dead, alive, suspended animation, none of that funky stuff.”

The consortium used some out-of-the-box thinking in their approach to the problem.  They figured that the virus entering the body looks for something to feed on…why not provide some “special” virus food that will make them nauseated, and render them ineffective?

They devised a witches’ potion made up of select ingredients:

• Warm, ripe prune juice from a discarded junk refrigerator
• An old can of skunked Schlitz Malt Liquor
• Ground-up ultimate nachos with extra refried beans
• Jello
• Hair from a Rogaine user
• A pinch of magic dirt from the Notre Dame football stadium
• Perspiration from a hardworking congressman (very rare)

It’s still technically in Beta stage of development, but early results look promising, and no one wants to wait.  And the good news is that, unlike the obscure unavailable H1N1 vaccine, the F1Y1 has been made in truckload quantities, ready for immediate administering.  Hazardous material vouchers have already been processed so that deliveries can begin.

One reported side-effect is the pungent odor that emanates from the pores of the newly vaccinated for 2-3 days.  When asked about this phenomenon, the consortium spokesman said, “No surprise.  What did you expect….hyacinth?”

Has anybody seen Harry?

NOTICE:

Has anyone seen my grampaw Harry?  He turned up lost a while ago, after he ran away from home.  We did not feed him very well, so that’s why he may have run away.  He smells pretty bad, especially when his fur gets wet, and probably desperately needs a bath.  He doesn’t lift his leg, so he ends up going on himself each time.  We used to think he was pretty harmless, but lately he’s been known to bite.  If he starts snarling and barking, better back off before he starts chewing on you.  He’s a grizzly, ornery old goat, but we still love him and want him back.  He probably has identification on him somewhere.  If you see him, please return him before he hurts innocent people and/or does more damage.  Thank you.

The Nevada family

New, who-woulda-thunk groups coming out in support of public option

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

The Nancy Ex-Pelosion jolts the city

A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels.  Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit.   Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here.  Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.

Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor.  The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators.  The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf. 

Police authorities want answers.  They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place.  They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it.  We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’.  Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.” 

When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded,  “Are you really willing to take that risk?”