bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘sarcasm’

Has anybody seen Harry?

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November 5th, 2009 Posted 4:26 pm

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NOTICE:

Has anyone seen my grampaw Harry?  He turned up lost a while ago, after he ran away from home.  We did not feed him very well, so that’s why he may have run away.  He smells pretty bad, especially when his fur gets wet, and probably desperately needs a bath.  He doesn’t lift his leg, so he ends up going on himself each time.  We used to think he was pretty harmless, but lately he’s been known to bite.  If he starts snarling and barking, better back off before he starts chewing on you.  He’s a grizzly, ornery old goat, but we still love him and want him back.  He probably has identification on him somewhere.  If you see him, please return him before he hurts innocent people and/or does more damage.  Thank you.

The Nevada family

New, who-woulda-thunk groups coming out in support of public option

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November 4th, 2009 Posted 5:29 pm

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

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Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

Moorebird’s Cuba Commie Cruise a dud. Tourists throw Michael overboard in disgust

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November 2nd, 2009 Posted 2:53 am

Cuban Coast Guard authorities report that Michael Moorebird, famous socialist/marxist whacko film director and less-famous tour guide, has been rescued from the Caribbean Sea 20 miles north of Cuba.  He remains in serious but stable condition at Cuba’s El-Crudmo hospital, after taking in much salt water and being nibbled-on by a large tuna.

Mr. Moorebird, somewhat delirious, claims that his fellow tourists just threw him overboard, after they were allegedly very disenchanted with the Cuba Commie Cruise he sponsored.  “They were really torqued-off for some reason…I don’t know why.  I mean, I thought it was a great time, but some of them got pretty radical after 3 days of eating slightly stale bread and slightly off-color water…and, well, living in squalor.  I thought we were all comrades-in-arms, exploring enthusiastically this wonderful socio-economic system.  I guess I was wrong.”

Wrong indeed.  Cruise passengers reported that Moorebird lied and misrepresented the cruise as a “fun trip”, then basically scammed them out of their money.  “Fun?  It was freaking Gross-town, Filth-adelphia, Pittsburgh…oops, sorry about that.  Anyway, we tried to get our money back, but Moorebird just laughed and laughed, then said:  F$#!@ You.  Next thing I knew, he was yelping in the water.  I think he may have slipped on the wet deck and fell in…who knows?”

Moorebird says he’ll do it again, but may wait a few years.  “People just aren’t ready for it yet.  They’re not as enlightened as me.  They can’t see all the good, like I can…they just can’t see the beauty inside the filth.  It’ll just take time.”  Cuban medical people are also testing him for brain damage.

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Money growing-on-trees technology is ready for market

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October 22nd, 2009 Posted 9:17 am

Bizarreville economists have teamed with Research botanists to successfully create a new strain of mountain ash trees which produce money leaves.  That is correct…cash, moola, hard currency blooming on the tree.  This had been a long-term stealth research project for years which had struggled to achieve success.  The original goal was to encourage more tree-planting, but later the team expanded goals to include trying to discover a renewable source of currency.  But with hard work, determination, and genetic experimentation, success has arrived.

It takes about 10 years for the tree to mature before it produces full-size green twenties, and another 5 years before fifties will fruit.  But once there, each tree can produce bushel-baskets full of fresh cash, ready for immediate spending.

It’s best to pick the cash before late autumn when bills start to shrivel, brown, fall off the trees, and rot.  Harvesting in September/October also times perfectly with the beginning of the frantic Christmas shopping season…so you can pick and shop, pick some more, shop some more.

According the the Bizarreville Tree Czar, plans are to plant these trees initially in the ghettos and other areas of economic distress.  This will allow underprivileged citizens to go out and pick some handfuls of fresh bills, then go buy nacho chips, TV’s, underwear, athletic shoes, beer, and video games…whatever needs they truly need to fill.

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Eventually, the money trees will replace welfare and food stamps, and all the associated overhead with running these bloated bureaucracies.  The trees will also displace the new “Handouts for Anything/Everything” program, the “Deadbeats Cash Assistance” program, and the “Tax Breaks for Non-taxpayers” program, with a much more efficient way to distribute money. 

Economists remind us: “People who want to work a little harder and shake the tree or climb up on the branches can get a little more than those who just wait for the cash to fall off.  It’s like an incentive program…which should sorta please ardent right-wingers who believe in rewards for hard work.  But don’t worry, left-wingers, there’s really plenty for everyone.  So enjoy!”

Corporations support the Public Option, so they can Deep Six current Health plans

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October 21st, 2009 Posted 3:20 pm

A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO).  They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO.  “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us.  The PO will be a good thing.  It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.

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Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO.  The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.

“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option?  You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options:  one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it?  Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.

“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones.  We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps.  Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.

“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs?  One?  Two?  Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye.  Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”

The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO.  But they said, “They just don’t understand.  They can keep their current Health plans.  The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option.  From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”

The Consortium responded, “Yeah, okay, ha-ha…okay it’s an Option.  We will most certainly consider that, and do a proper/thorough evaluation…sure will…just before flushing our programs down the Corporate toilet….ha ha ha ha…you guys really crack me up!”

2016 Olympic site

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October 1st, 2009 Posted 12:43 am

Bizarreville’s committee has submitted its proposal to become the 2016 Olympic site.  Competition will be tough.  Chicago seems to be a front-runner, with its first-class facilities, park settings with skyline backdrop, restaurants/bars, and fun things to do.

Of course, Bizarreville has none of that.  The committee is pitching the Bizarreville bid on a cost/economics appeal, which is always a concern for the tightly managed IOC.  Bizarreville’s cost dismemberments include:

– Round up of partly rusted-out trailers, stacked on top of each other as the Olympic village. “Will almost look like one of those art-deco hotels at South Beach.” 

– Stoke a bonfire instead of the Olympic torch, full of traditional old pallets, old couches, and wood paneling from defunct basement rec rooms

– Upgrade the Bizarreville High School football field for the big track and field events with a fresh pack of real cinders instead of that artificial rubber crap.

– Use Shmefle’s pond for Aquatics.  Not much rehab necessary beyond removing a minor amount of pond scum, relocating a small frog population, and some air-freshener (or fans).

– Employ Honkers Edible Diner to cater the food, well-known for stretching a meal with creative additives and starch substitutes.

– Have some 50/50 raffles to cover expenses and create some real fun for attendees, a nice diversion from the goofy little competitions of people you’ve never heard of and will never see again.

Organizers say that the Bizarreville Olympics would cost about one-third of the cost of those primo sites, and would create a new model for Olympics of the future. Critics have called their proposal the “Junque Olympics” or the “Lame Games”, but the local committee dismisses it as Arrogance from the Arrogocracy (whatever that means).  Melvin Fermerfermer, the committee chairman, said “Running is running, jumping is jumping, diving is diving…what freaking difference does it make where you do it?”  They plan to construct temporary bleachers at the venues from a startup company called Rickety Rump… who will use older prematurely discarded stands to save money and provide a no-collapse guarantee.  Rickety would, however, take out an insurance policy with Lloyds of London, just in case the unthinkable happens.

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Bizarreville plans to minimize the so-called excessive security found at previous Olympics.  The committee will ask each team to bring its own security and weaponry…a few thugs in black shades certainly wouldn’t hurt.  The concept of mutually-assured massacre is believed to be sufficient disuasion against would-be terrorists.  “The Mid-East countries may belly-ache about this policy, but we have a simple/concise answer for them, if the question should arise.”

The Bizarreville committee is confident that their 2016 bid will prevail, even though the odds seem to be stacked against them.  “Go to Vegas, and put a wad on it,” encourages Chairman Fermerfermer, puffing on a big foot-long stogey.

Simpli-tax the series, update

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October 1st, 2009 Posted 12:06 am

Please click on the Simpli-tax button on the right to see the next thrill-packed adventure of the Enraged Beancounters, and their efforts to stifle any attempt to simplify the tax system.  Join them as they leave Vegas and head off to the Capital in a rented non-air conditioned bus

Community Organizers run amok: the Squirrel Nuts

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September 27th, 2009 Posted 11:01 pm

The much-maligned Squirrel Nuts organization (SN) opened up a chapter in Bizarreville recently.  Their motto “Take a Closer Look at Squirrel Nuts” was developed to encourage more folks, particularly youths, to get more active in community organizing activities and promoting political candidates who are on their Super Squirrel list.  Organizers say Squirrel Nuts grow larger and larger every month, and would like all citizens to get a taste of it.

SN has been under enormous pressure after being caught doing illegal and illicit things at their various branches.  They were caught red-handed at the Shmooville branch when one SN worker was told to go launder some money.  He went out and bought a used Maytag.  The wet bills clogged up the drain line, and the naive SN dope called the Maytag Repairman, who promptly turned him in to authorities.  There was 89 dollars missing, which upon investigation, coincidently turns out to be the cost of a Service call.

SN of Bizarreville organizers claim that the Shmooville chapter is totally independent of all other chapters, and their alleged misdeeds do not reflect on the confederation as a whole.  “No Squirrel Nuts are alike.  Each warrants its own intimate examination.  And, yes, the ones that don’t pass the smell test should be cut off.”

SN of Bizarreville has big plans to mobilize blocks of people who have historically been shut out of the political processes.  “Take dead people, for example.  Why should they be denied their vote just because they can’t make it to the polls?  Other cities have solved this problem, why can’t we?  And it’s not just dead people, but also virtual relatives (oh yeah…remember Aunt Mulva or good ole Cousin Belferd, don’t see much of them anymore), dogs and cats (hey, they’re part of the family, aren’t they?), and people in comas.

“There’s so much more we can do in terms of reforms.  We’re even still holding onto the concept of one person/one vote!  C’mon now, other cities have been getting 5-6 votes out of people for years…just takes better organizing.  And certainly, the age-old issue with Alignment, providing that needed information, incentive, and encouragement to vote for the right candidate.  One word…muscle.  Why is this such a foreign concept?  Every time you go into a sleazy bar, you see the big galoot at the door ready/willing to crack a few heads…what happens?  People behave.  That’s all we’re talking about…just Behavior…or what we call Alignment.”

Opponents had tried to stop the Bizarreville chapter from opening, but to no avail.  They had recorded many reels of film supposedly showing bad activities, but somehow the reels got melted down into a celluloid blob.  Eyewitness accounts all developed severe cases of temporary amnesia, some of which were accompanied with severe head rashes, a few requiring stitches.  One opponent spokesman, who had sadly just lost his dog in a tragic hunting accident from multiple gunshot wounds, said that it might be best to give Squirrel Nuts a try.  “Perhaps we need to just suck it up.”

New taxes for new Health Care program

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September 21st, 2009 Posted 1:26 pm

The word is getting out that Taxes will go up if the new Bizarreville Health Care plan goes into effect.  Leaders previously promised no new taxes to fund Health Care, but then a local 5th grader found a mistake that the Budget Office made in their arithmetic.  The staff of PhD’s on the Bizarreville Economic Council were embarrassed, but said that the flaw was in their solar calculators due to all the overcast skies in the past couple weeks.

So now the Leaders are trying to figure who will foot the bill for the new funding needs.  They took a poll of the Citizens, who overwhelmingly voted to tax the Rich guys…percentage-wise, the vote was about 90 to 10.  Some pundits were concerned that this was the sixth time recently that taxes would go up on the Rich, and at some point that gravy train would need to end.  They said that the new tax would reduce jobs, as more and more companies would move investment outside of Bizarreville to more tax-friendly places.  They whined that you can’t keep giving all these other people free rides.

The Other side responded:  “Waaah, waaah, waaah…let’s all shed tears for the multi-millionaires.  Boo-hoo.  May have to get by with 4 butlers instead of the conventional 5.  May have to sell off one of the 8 Jags parked in the garage, the one that hasn’t been properly dusted in over a week (how gross).”  They responded that the Boards will just jack up their salaries higher to compensate for the higher tax anyway…the rich dudes may end up net ahead when all is said and done.  When asked about the impact on small business, they responded that the small guys are all getting Walmartized anyway…wake up, smell the decaf latte.

The Tax Fairness Congregate (TFC) said that Bizarreville is moving toward a culture of Tax Payers and Tax Consumers, a very dangerous trend, long term.  “More and more people are getting removed from the tax rolls via reduced rates, tax rebates for the untaxed, and a plethora of freebies, handouts, and bogus breaks.  It’s moving us rapidly toward socialism/marxism.”

TFC opponents, when asked about how they feel about Karl Marx, responded: “Was he the Italian guy with the funny hat, or the mute guy with the little honking horn?  No matter…Bizarreville could definitely benefit from a little more comedyism and humorism.”