bizarreville

Posts Tagged ‘political satire’

Shmunk

A new candidate has thrown his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination.  His name is Bill Shmunk, a retired individual whose career spanned small business management, teaching, local political office, and janitorial work.  He certainly is a jack of some trades, not quite all trades, but some.

Shmunk claims that he is the most conservative candidate in the race, perhaps the only true conservative.  The others, he claims, are conservative paupers compared to him.  Shmunk has bold ideas to solve the nation’s problems:  fiscal problems, national security, border problems, and various social problems…line them up, Bill has a solution.  He has developed a 10-point Contract with Bizarreville that is sure to turn the race on its ear:

1. Stop calling handouts “entitlements”.  No one is entitled to anything.  Start calling them Sponge Payments.  Give Spongers pictures of real taxpayers when they pick up their checks and freebees, so they know who they’re sponging off of.

2. Allow food stamps to only be used for purchases of spam, chicken salad, lima beans, bran flakes, and day-old bread.  Allow food stamp patrons to fill up water jugs at the spigot outside the supermarket door.

3. Adopt a national defense philosophy of “Speak Loudly, but carry a small stick”.  Talk harshly about plans to obliterate enemies, but cut most military spending to the bone to save money.  Scare off rogue nations with empty, but very graphic, threats.  Give soldiers lots of medals to keep spirits high, but reduce funding for free plane rides.

4. Institute a special Hollywood star and Media superstar income tax surcharge of 20 percent.  These are people who constantly advocate higher taxes, so they should be permitted to pay them.

5. Force all Mexican illegal aliens to eat plain American food.  No hot sauce or jalapenos added.  Require id checks before any guacamole can be purchased.

6. Immediately terminate 50% of all government workers.  Tell you what, make it 70% of the highly paid staffers.  Call it a RIF, brought to you by Chainsaw Bill.  Figure out how to do the nation’s nonsensical bureaucracy with fewer people.

7. Require all CEO’s of companies getting bailouts to immediately report to their closest elementary school, and write on the blackboard 1000 times, “I promise I will never ask for a taxpayer bailout again.”

8. Do not permit discrimination, with the exception of people who own cats.  Allow blatant discrimination and profiling of cat lovers, including having them drink from separate water fountains.

9. Stop all efforts to nationalize health care, a concept which entails long lines at the doctor’s office, long waits in waiting rooms, rude receptionists who can never get you in for an appointment, mediocre patient care with quick focus on writing a prescription and getting you out the door, confusing claim filing and bill paying, snotty attitudes…wait a minute, that’s what we’ve got now!

10. Adjustable term limits for congress people, based on how well they score on the knucklehead-o-meter.  Each legislator would get 1 knucklehead point for every idiotic thing he/she says or does while in office.  A score of 3 or less would allow running for 1 more term.  A score of 7 or more would require immediate impeachment.

Shmunk believes he has the message that will resonate with the conservative masses, and right-of-centers.  He feels that his bold, creative programs, while somewhat controversial, are needed to get the nation on the right course.  He feels he can win, because the other guys are too blase`.

When asked about the liklihood of alienating the nation’s cat lovers with his tongue-in-cheek discrimination program, he responded, “What tongue-in-cheek?”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even some of the candidates.

Obamanomics Lesson 8: Obamanomic energy strategy, more windmills

The cornerstone of the Obamanomic energy strategy is the construction of 212 thousand windmills nationwide.  This will allow the permanent closure of 82% of all nasty coal-fired power plants, and all the carbon dioxide emissions and whatever other pollutants that they spew out.  When completed, no longer will these smoke-belchers be the #1 source of carbon dioxide; that distinction will then fall to human beings (no plan has yet been suggested how to combat that menace).  The administration promises to retain the legions of unemployed coal mine workers , and transform them into jolly windmill operators and mechanics, outfitted in wooden shoes and suspendered shorts…after, of course, they wash their faces.

The new windmills will pretty much blanket the land, making the landscape look like some sort of new Holland on a Red Bull binge.  The blades will be mounted high enough to assure they don’t decapitate farmers or scalp the top off RV’s and cheesewagons.  Unfortuntately, the noise will sound like the groans of 10 million stomach growls amplified by an Aerosmith PA system.  “It makes you hungry when you hear it,” a senior engineer on the project stated.

The windmills will meet most of the nation’s electrical power demand, except those occasions of calm, windless summer days when citizens may be forced to turn off their air conditioners and go back to manual shavers, can openers, and dish washers.  Citizens will just need to relax until things start blowing again.  “It will be like outdoor camping:  go fishing with the kids, take a hike, tell a ghost story, or something,” an insider suggested.

The Energy Committee had also considered solar power prior to making the windmill choice, but realized there were just too many cloudy days to pull it off.  This strategy, however, may be revisited once they run out of wind…provided, of course, that the windmills don’t block too much of the sunlight.

Detractors point out that all this is not “free” energy.  The cost to build and maintain these enormous units is twice the cost of fossil fuel equivalents, on a per-megawatt basis.  But the administration points out that the new units end up cheaper because they are taxed at a lower rate.

The windmill strategy, combined with the Obamanomic transfixion on electric cars replacing gasoline counterparts, will then eliminate dependence on foreign oil.  In Obamanomic thinking, this is so elegantly simple that it is surprising that it hadn’t been thought of sooner.  Another creative brainstorm being funded by Obamanomic tax dollars is the idea of mounting small windmills on top of car roofs.  “The faster the car moves, the more those little windmill blades will spin,” claimed Obamanomic Science Czar and Distinguished Professor of Entreprenerdial Studies at Bizarreville University, Dr. Eldnoid Milkfunk.  “We could get to where the automobile becomes energy self-sufficient above 45 mph.  Think of that!”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even grand visions of windmills.

Obamanomics Lesson 7: Neo-socialism, the new cool socio-economic system for the 21st century

Neo-socialism, in the world of Obamanomics, is not your father’s socialism.  The new version takes the learnings of all forms of flubbed socialist experiments of the past, then creates a political/economic system that is the smart replacement for capitalism.  Plus it’s cool and hip…an excellent fit for the new “enlightened” generation.

Capitalism, as all Obamanomists have known for quite some time, is a seriously flawed system.  It rewards the Rich with obscene benefits, while punishing the poor and driving them into despicable life styles.  Many families are too poor to afford more than one 50-inch flatscreen TV (some without even NFL packages), non-designer jeans, or more than one rusty Cadillac Seville.  Many families are forced to shop at Wal-Mart and suffer the humiliating, demeaning experience of obnoxiously crowded parking lots, shopping carts with squeaky wheels, stacked merchandise that has been picked-over by thousands of germ-infested customers, some merchandise wiped by crying, runny-nose kids in strollers.  These poor souls may never enjoy the luxurious sizzle of a Ruth Chris 50-buck steak accompanied by a 90-skin bottle of wine that you could buy at your discount beverage shop for 12 bucks.  Meanwhile, these poor-class people must watch the upper class enjoy double Whoppers instead of single Whoppers, large fries instead of medium, and those luscious apple pies…all paid with gold, platinum, or the next permutation of rare-metal credit cards.

Neo-socialism keeps a “faux” version of economic freedom, allowing businesses to basically make their own decisions…except for regulations on pay rates, work hours, material usage, process details, financial structure, logistics, building construction, energy consumption, and trash pickup.  Neo-socialism involves new concepts in sewer monitoring with advanced techniques that provide a window into what/how a business is operating…sort of akin to a urine sample for a business.  Naturally, executive pay, once the single most abused element of capitalism, is tightly controlled in Neo-socialism with standardized pay ceilings, and of course, no more incentive pay gimmicks, stock options, or other floozy shenanigans.  Production scheduling information goes into the National Computer Center with its advanced algorithms for total system coordination and fairness allocation decision-making and goods rationing.  Capital investment programs will be earmarked for environmental improvements…and that’s about it…no need for anything else until air/water are returned to the pristine conditions of the 1500’s when the only pollutant was the occasional buffalo fart.

It’s an economic system whose time has come, and a system that Karl Marx would be proud of.  He never would have liked the USSR version of socialism with its flawed collectivity system, political nonsense, mass murders, and defense paranoia.  He would truly embrace Neo-socialism with its tight control over excesses, its protection of the underbelly, and its equal treatment of all levels on the motivation/demotivation scale.  He would love the community aspect of everyone pulling together like a giant group hug, its absence of fancy cars and fancy houses, and lack of worthless things like little cupcake shops that serve no appreciable social purpose.

Neo-socialism will dissuade the propogation of Discriminatoids:  devices, gadgets, and goodies that upper-crusters can afford, but lower-crusters cannot.  Discriminatoids like Ping golf putters, jet skis, Swiss watches, expresso machines, pure-bred chocolate Labs, man caves, back scratchers, and heated toilet seats will be heavily excise-taxed in the new world order.  A heated toilet seat that may sell for $39 in today’s market will cost $439 in the Neo world, which should quickly dry-up demand.  By doing this, all citizens will feel the same degree of cold cheek when they sit…for the betterment of society.

Neo-socialism and Obamanomics…a match made in heaven.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the new ideas on world order.

The Obama-nation Recovery

Bizarreville economists have dubbed the current economic climate as the Obama-nation Recovery.  It is different than most other recoveries in that it features no jobs, a pathetic housing market in the dumpster, and uncontrolled skyrocketing federal spending on stuff totally unrelated to helping the economy.

“Hey, you can’t have everything,” one of the Economic Council members commented.  “At least the banks are still open…they are still open aren’t they?  Yeah, they are.  I drove by one this morning.  Whew!”

Critics have called the Obama-nation Recovery a concoction of smoke, mirrors, spaghetti, and beer farts.  “Smells as bad as it looks,” commented an adversary, who wished to only be known as Mr. Onionbreath.  ” I think the smell receptors inside my nose have melted down.”

One ice cream shop owner expressed her concern about the prospect of an upcoming Double dip recession on her near-term business.  “There’s no way we can start giving a free 2nd dip to customers, just cuz the President says so.  If we’re forced, we’ll just have to raise our single dip price…maybe even our Kiddie dip price.  And I’ll assure you, that won’t make the mommas and grammaws happy.  Besides…and we’ve seen it before…when you start putting a 2nd dip on kid’s cones, it ends up on the floor making a mess.  And you-know-who gets to clean it up.  Have they thought about that?”

Members of the Economic Council have suggested that further recovery must start by incentives at the retail level.  “Stores need to start giving crap away…you know, the kind of junky, mold-encrusted merchandise that is not selling anyway.  Give it free when you buy a couch, or a swimsuit, or a set of bedsheets.  It all stimulates people buying…gets wallets out of their Captain Kangaroo pockets.  They love free stuff…don’t even care if it’s garbage that they would never use in 1000 years.  It’s like tossed beads at Mardi Gras parades.  It’s free.  It’s good.”

The Obama-nation Recovery is facing a stressful stretch, as the stock market has started behaving erratically, businesses have pulled back on capital investment, and congress cannot seem to quell their narcotic-like spending addiction.  Nevertheless, the President maintains his optimism in the spirit of the people, who are used to sucking it up and prepping for another pounding.

“People are resilient,” an administration spokesperson said.  “You throw them into a wall, they bounce back.  You drop 80 pounds of stool on their head, they rinse it off.  You drop kick them through the goal posts, they score.  It all works out.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you’d swear are true.

Can The Debt ceiling be raised any more?

The battle continues in Capitol Valley on what to do about The Debt.  The Debt, as most people know, is an old ramshackle building next door to the Bizarreville Capitol where all the IOU’s are kept that have stemmed from the rampant mindless government borrowings to fund its wild and crazy spending spree over many years.

In early times, the IOU’s were neatly filed in beautiful oak file cabinets, alphabetized by lender, with an army of secretaries doing the filing in crisp manila folders.  As the IOU rate accelerated, the oak cabinets became jammed full, and they had to buy some cheap metal cabinets…later ratcheting down to cardboard cabinets.  But, after a while, the incoming IOU’s were just too rapid-fire, so they went with plain old brown boxes.  Soon after, when the job of “secretary” was eliminated by Bizarreville courts as being “too demeaning to the soul…a reprehensible exploitation of women…an excuse to have glorified waitresses shlepping coffee for a bunch of lazy suits,” the organized filing simply ceased.  IOU’s were just dollied into rooms, closets, and hallways, and dumped helter skelter.  Papers were strewn everywhere.

When all the available space was packed as tight as a colon on a no-fiber diet, the Elders determined that the only solution was to raise The Debt ceiling, and add another flat of rooms.  That would free up some space in lower floors, so they said, in case anyone wanted to navigate through the mess to pay off a few of the IOU’s.  Unfortunately, though, before the next floor was even roughed-in, it began to fill with new truckloads of IOU paperwork, promissory notes being shuttled in continuously.  The Bizarreville fathers hurriedly raised the ceiling again, and started construction of another floor.  The lack of time for architectural planning or construction oversight caused a few, mostly cosmetic, issues to develop which were corrected with careful gerryrigging.

The Spenders were happy with the solution of adding more and more floors.  Sure, the building was ugly, but it was functional, and really that’s all that mattered.  The IOU’s were in a place that was mostly dry except in torrential rainstorms.  And without secretaries, there was none of the constant whining and bellyaching about crowded conditions, as there had been previously.  Curtains were purchased for the windows, drawn closed, so that no one would have to see the mess inside.

The Ceiling raising solution was one that everyone could be happy about…that is, until the Bizarreville Building Engineer finally insisted on an inspection.  In his report, he pointed out that The Debt was an unstable, overloaded fire hazard that would likely crash to the ground within 12 months.  Naturally, he was fired the next day for his delusional scare tactics, irresponsible analytics, and offensive personal hygiene.

In his aftermath, however, the debate has continued to resound about the quality of the building and structural soundness.  Legislators point out that The Debt has become a tourist attraction, especially by foreign visitors who marvel and love to take photographs of it.  “The Debt has so much more character than that silly leaning tower in Pisa,” one world traveler commented.  “No comparison.  This photo is going up in my Rec Room next to a couple Andy Warhol soup cans.”

Rumors have started that maybe Congress would stop their manic hyper-spending, negating the need to raise The Debt ceiling anymore.  “Hope not,” another shutterbug answered.  “At least not until they add one or two more floors to this wobbly piece of crap.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would like to be true.

High court approves plan to replace congressmen with bobbleheads

The Bizarreville Supreme Court announced its controversial decision in a split 5-4 vote that will order the entire congress to be replaced by bobblehead dolls.  This move would include both the 435 member House and 100 member Senate, for a total of 535 bobbleheads.  The units will be ordered from Bilgewater Bobblers Inc, at a discounted price of $9.99 per doll.

The action, as most people know, was part of a sweeping program to drastically cut the costs of running the bloated government, whose spending had spiralled out of control.  It was promptly challenged in the Courts, but in writing the majority opinion, the Chief Justice wrote, “The body had become a nest of whiny, bickering, prima-donna knuckleheads whose every step had been a wrong step, whose every new law had become fubar, and whose leadership had reminded us of ElmerFudd.  The founders would have opted for this course-shift long ago…”

Bilgewater says that they can deliver a variety of doll types to meet the Court’s instructions for diversity.  They will offer some dolls that bobble up and down, some that bobble sideways, basically mimicking the affirmative nods or negative head shakes of their human counterparts in their respective parties.  They can be specified with solid blockheads or mushy marshmallow noggens.  And they will come in a range of designer colors and odors, including the newest offerings:  shocking pink onion loaf and blue bayou swamp gas.

Accountants estimate the Bobblehead Replacement Initiative (BRI) will save $50 billion per year or more, when just considering their salaries, outrageous perqs, bulging staff costs, frivolous office supply wastage, and of course, the ever-expanding itineraries of boondoggles.  More importantly, the initiatve will save hundreds of billions by squelching the spendaholism disease that has ravaged the body of people who, sadly, just can’t say “No”.   Some have likened them to Miss Ado Annie in the play ‘Oklahoma’, who sang that she just ‘Cain’t say no’ to fellers…the difference being, of course, that the citizens are on the other end of the sexual experience.

Polls of citizens suggest a concern that the new bobbleheads won’t represent them as well as humans.  A protest group of well over 12 people descended on the Courthouse after the announcement.  “You can’t be serious,” cried one protestor.  “These dolls are just going to blankly stand there like bozos in front of Town Hall meetings, pretend to listen to constituents, while just bobbling their little heads the whole time, and ultimately doing nothing worthwhile….come to think of it, I guess there’s not so much difference after all.  Scratch that.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

President’s Council on Jobs picks a recent award winner

At a press briefing this weekend, the Administration announced the appointment of Jeffrey Staffmelt as head of the new President’s Council on Jobs.  Mr. Staffmelt will organize a special ad hoc team to evaluate the current pathetic job situation, understand its root causes, and develop a crisp Power Point presentation on path forward.  It is expected that the team will recommend additional subcommittees, sub-subcommittees, maybe even getting down to the tertiary level of sub-committees before it actually does anything tangible.

Reporters were curious to know why Mr. Staffmelt, CEO of Geritol Electric, a company which has been criticized for plant closures, massive staff reductions, and moving jobs to 3rd world countries, was considered the “best” candidate for the job.  In particular, some wondered if Mr. Staffmelt, who is affectionately known as “Julio” around the office for all the jobs he’s shipped to Mexico, has the right mindset to create jobs, rather than vaporize them.

“We think he’s the right guy,” the Administration spokesman retorted.  “He’s writing a book on Lessons Learned the Hard Way, which encapsulates the mistakes he has made that have literally shut down entire towns as their factories padlocked the gates.  He has actually visited some of those towns to see the devastation.  Someone said that he had a tear in his eye when he visited Balloogaville three weeks ago.  But another said that he thought he just got finished blowing his nose.”

The spokesman went on to say that the focus will be on jobs where our country has a distinct competitive advantage.  “…And that doesn’t mean just flipping burgers at McDonalds.  No.  There are many other opportunities out there:  Burger King, Arbys, Hardees, and…well, thousands of chicken franchises.  You know as well as I that these places need good help…you end up waiting in line 10 minutes to get a lousy chocolate shake, for crying out loud.  We’re looking to Mr. Staffmelt to establish some tough new industry standards on waiting lines as one of his first priorities.  That will get more people on payrolls, and off unemployment compensation.”

It was noted that Mr. Staffmelt has won a number of awards, and last year bought a trophy case that he placed in his vacation cottage office.  His most recent award came from Flunkmaster Magazine for having the highest differential between his personal compensation and his company’s performance, among all CEO’s.  In the article, Staffmelt credited his best friend and personal agent for developing and negotiating a complex pay scheme algorithm for him, which kept his package skyrocketing in spite of cratering results.  “Guy’s a genious,” Staffmelt was quoted.  “True genious.  I love the guy.  I’d marry him if he weren’t so ugly.”

A spokesman for Staffmelt read a statement that Jeffrey was looking forward to his new post.  The appointment was timely, especially given the rumor that he might be s#!t-canned from his current CEO position.  Geritol Electric stockholders have been vocally upset about the company’s dismal performance, losing 50% of its value over the past four years, and running a mixed bag of tangled, conglomerated operations that Business Funk magazine called “the most inefficient business model since the days of Textron.”  When one reporter referred to that article and asked who the hell Textron was, the spokesman said, “Beats me.  Never heard of them.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you think you saw before in the real world.

Administration ecstatic about oil price rise

Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.

A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out.  “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression.  The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”

He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly.  “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline.  Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s.  Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis.  No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”

One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason.  The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert?   Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University?  Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up.  These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff.  You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”

Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave.  But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard.  The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

New tax compromise infuriates King Georgers

The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies.  The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”.  Their platform is simple:  ‘More tax.  Never, never less tax.’  They believe in fiscal responsibility:  tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share.  Hey, life is not fair.  The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism.  And that needs to be paid for.  This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.

The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other.  There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves.  They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.

“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down.  They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions.  Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas.  How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover?  The next Citi Bank takeover?  The complete takeover of all media by the FCC??  We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”

Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.”  The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.

“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. “A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence.  A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land.  A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned.  Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused.  We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”

Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience.  “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers.  “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out!  He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.

Survey: Fat people don’t read calorie signs

A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets.  The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.

Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers.  “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo.  “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King.  Durrrrr.”

The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation.  Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit.  Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason.  “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said.  “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control.  If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction.  We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”

Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable.  “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee.  “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.

Harry Reid exercising his silver tongue yet again

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

Ex-incumbents organize

It has been confirmed that a new highly-secretive society has been formed of current lame-duck incumbent legislators who have lost their primary elections because of their legendary incompetence.  In the past, there have been very rare occasions when an incumbent has failed to hold their nomination in the primaries, usually only if he/she was blatantly convicted of a serious crime or committed some other gross atrocity while in office.  The recent outbreaks of “Throw the Bums Out” citizen attitude is unprecedented in its scope.

The Thrown Bums are, however, not just sitting on their arses waiting to collect fat retirement checks and free-for-life health care benefits.  No, instead they are organizing..not just to commiserate with each other…but to begin preparations to try and throw these “New Bums” out in upcoming years, in a leap frog retribution, of sorts.

The concept seems to have strong support among citizens, who like the idea of an organized, enema-like approach to the process which will be able to sustain itself into the future.  This will, of course, place less pressure on the ordinary Joe Citizen to spend energy organizing the boob throwout campaigns.  It will also provide the electorate with a steady source of reliable dirt accumulation and nastiness record-keeping to justify the regular purge.

The first orders of business will be to select a suitable meeting place, most likely a tavern with cheap Happy Hour of some sort, and naturally develop an appropriate secret handshake to separate the true Thrown Bums from the Wannabe bums. 

“We particularly need to keep out the arrogant incumbents who have won their primaries,” said an unnamed throwee.  “The last thing we need is those a$$#*les showing up to rub their fat little noses in our faces, and then running up the bar tab.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem so real.