bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘obamanomics’

Obamanomics Lesson 10. The ‘Sharing is Caring’ mantra

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November 30th, 2011 Posted 1:12 am

The 10th lesson in Obamanomics is the simple mantra that sums it all up:  Sharing is Caring.  This simply pulls together the “Fair share” concept with the “It takes a Village” concept, and throws a little kumbaya group-sing togetherness into a great big pot of frothy broth…where no one is better than anyone else, no one is a jerkoff, and no one is every penalized just because they’re a little bit lazy or cherish their sluff-off time.  Even lazies need to be cared for, and nurtured…and before you know it, those loafers will see the light, and want to participate in work and other noble endeavors.  All they need is a little love.  All they ever needed was a little love.

All policies and programs must then fit with the Sharing is Caring basic philosophy.  As such, the Administration has commissioned a Secretary of Love Sharing to oversee all programs at the national and local level to ensure they are not Anti-Love in any way, shape or form.  Any threats to Love will receive an advanced pre-veto, to squelch needless work on a bill that is destined for the s#!t can.

Programs that create more competition will generally be considered Anti-Love.  In any competitive endeavor, there is always at least one loser…often multiple losers.  The 65 team NCAA playoff system is a classic example, where 64 teams end up being branded “losers”, leaving the court dejected, upset, and unloved.  Many top coaches have adopted the “Winning is the Only Thing” Vince Lombardi philosophy, thus making each and every loss an unacceptable, embarrasing piece of mal-execution.  No good coaches or true fans can love a team who loses…and the cards are stacked against them.  There are some rare exceptions, such as the Cubs, where fans, owners, and coaches are so mentally deranged that they love the team in spite of its chronic ineptness.  But in the normal world, winning is essential, losing is the norm, and love is scarce.  This is true of all forms of competition, and the reason in Obamanomics that it must be systematically snuffed out.

All new policies must be win-win, so that the Love flows evenly.  The slightly discouraging thing is that almost never in nature is there a true win-win, so very few new policies are anticipated to germinate.  Some anti-Obamanomists see the Love Connection as an advantage because it will grind to a halt all the rest of their goofy plans and programs.  “I love the irony of this whole thing,” one opponent was overheard saying.  “What a bunch of boobs!”

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the love-infested ones.

Obamanomics Lesson 9: Cash for clunkers of all kinds

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November 19th, 2011 Posted 4:07 pm

Continuously revitalizing the Obamanomic economy requires a new steady stream of replacing old/obsolete/beat-up paraphenalia with fresh new stuff.  In past decades, this was not so difficult because most manufacturers had well thought-out “planned obsolescence” built into their product lines.  These plans had assured that merchandise would fall apart, rust, collapse, or vaporize quickly and efficiently…often starting the deterioration process the instant the customer left the store’s front door.  Quality initiatives in the 1980’s unfortunately managed to thwart most of those creative efforts.  Rare exceptions still exist on such things as personal computers and smart phones which have managed to hold onto their 2-year-and-out technological obsolescence offerings, but even these are under attack by various quality initiatives.  In a confusing move, one smart phone company is now promoting their phone can withstand the weight of an elephant…in total defiance of Obamanomic theory.

Obamanomics successfully executed a trial balloon a couple years ago with the Cash for Clunkers (C4C) program, offering tax rebates on turned-in junk vehicles.  These so-called trade-ins were often such vile pieces of crap that they should have been outlawed from City streets with criminal penalties for hapless, willful endangerment of the public.  But the C4C program appealed to the Obamanomic primary focus group:  trailer park dwellers who kept their 1974 Buick Skylarks belching black smoke until they just wouldn’t start anymore.  C4C was hailed as a very successful program in administration circles to boost auto sales, and provide the enviro-sidebenefit as these junkers met the hydraulic crusher, transforming them into suitcases.

Administration insiders put 2 and 2 together and soon realized that C4C could be broadly applied to other big ticket retail items to spur consumer spending.  New automatic washers and dryers could replace old wringer washers and clotheslines.  New Nike shoes could replace old Converse All Stars.  Enormous ghetto-blasters could replace mid-size blasters.  Double-wides could replace singles.  Torn, ugly naugahyde couches could be replaced by untorn, ugly naugahyde couches.

But C4C has now become more than just a Program of the Month.  It is now a foundation element in the Obamanomic theory.  It is a new, less obvious, very creative way to funnel benefits to the underbelly, while boosting the economy along the way.  The beauty of it is that C4C can be expanded indefinitely to every category of product.  Any obsolete product can be called a “clunker”…from old worn-out underwear, to ugly hats, to last year’s fashion sunglasses, to jeans without holes in them, to golf putters, to Dell computers.  And, as always, the tax rebate benefits will be restricted to low-income and no-income citizens whether they actually pay tax or not…which continues to be a bone of contention with the opposition.    “We’re not going to quibble about whether a citizen actually pays tax or not,” an adminstration spokesman said.  “That’s not the point.  The point is replacing these disgusting clunkers to help society, help the economy, help the environment, help communities.  Focus.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even clunkers.

Obamanomics Lesson 8: Obamanomic energy strategy, more windmills

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November 9th, 2011 Posted 1:51 am

The cornerstone of the Obamanomic energy strategy is the construction of 212 thousand windmills nationwide.  This will allow the permanent closure of 82% of all nasty coal-fired power plants, and all the carbon dioxide emissions and whatever other pollutants that they spew out.  When completed, no longer will these smoke-belchers be the #1 source of carbon dioxide; that distinction will then fall to human beings (no plan has yet been suggested how to combat that menace).  The administration promises to retain the legions of unemployed coal mine workers , and transform them into jolly windmill operators and mechanics, outfitted in wooden shoes and suspendered shorts…after, of course, they wash their faces.

The new windmills will pretty much blanket the land, making the landscape look like some sort of new Holland on a Red Bull binge.  The blades will be mounted high enough to assure they don’t decapitate farmers or scalp the top off RV’s and cheesewagons.  Unfortuntately, the noise will sound like the groans of 10 million stomach growls amplified by an Aerosmith PA system.  “It makes you hungry when you hear it,” a senior engineer on the project stated.

The windmills will meet most of the nation’s electrical power demand, except those occasions of calm, windless summer days when citizens may be forced to turn off their air conditioners and go back to manual shavers, can openers, and dish washers.  Citizens will just need to relax until things start blowing again.  “It will be like outdoor camping:  go fishing with the kids, take a hike, tell a ghost story, or something,” an insider suggested.

The Energy Committee had also considered solar power prior to making the windmill choice, but realized there were just too many cloudy days to pull it off.  This strategy, however, may be revisited once they run out of wind…provided, of course, that the windmills don’t block too much of the sunlight.

Detractors point out that all this is not “free” energy.  The cost to build and maintain these enormous units is twice the cost of fossil fuel equivalents, on a per-megawatt basis.  But the administration points out that the new units end up cheaper because they are taxed at a lower rate.

The windmill strategy, combined with the Obamanomic transfixion on electric cars replacing gasoline counterparts, will then eliminate dependence on foreign oil.  In Obamanomic thinking, this is so elegantly simple that it is surprising that it hadn’t been thought of sooner.  Another creative brainstorm being funded by Obamanomic tax dollars is the idea of mounting small windmills on top of car roofs.  “The faster the car moves, the more those little windmill blades will spin,” claimed Obamanomic Science Czar and Distinguished Professor of Entreprenerdial Studies at Bizarreville University, Dr. Eldnoid Milkfunk.  “We could get to where the automobile becomes energy self-sufficient above 45 mph.  Think of that!”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even grand visions of windmills.

Obamanomics Lesson 7: Neo-socialism, the new cool socio-economic system for the 21st century

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November 4th, 2011 Posted 2:33 am

Neo-socialism, in the world of Obamanomics, is not your father’s socialism.  The new version takes the learnings of all forms of flubbed socialist experiments of the past, then creates a political/economic system that is the smart replacement for capitalism.  Plus it’s cool and hip…an excellent fit for the new “enlightened” generation.

Capitalism, as all Obamanomists have known for quite some time, is a seriously flawed system.  It rewards the Rich with obscene benefits, while punishing the poor and driving them into despicable life styles.  Many families are too poor to afford more than one 50-inch flatscreen TV (some without even NFL packages), non-designer jeans, or more than one rusty Cadillac Seville.  Many families are forced to shop at Wal-Mart and suffer the humiliating, demeaning experience of obnoxiously crowded parking lots, shopping carts with squeaky wheels, stacked merchandise that has been picked-over by thousands of germ-infested customers, some merchandise wiped by crying, runny-nose kids in strollers.  These poor souls may never enjoy the luxurious sizzle of a Ruth Chris 50-buck steak accompanied by a 90-skin bottle of wine that you could buy at your discount beverage shop for 12 bucks.  Meanwhile, these poor-class people must watch the upper class enjoy double Whoppers instead of single Whoppers, large fries instead of medium, and those luscious apple pies…all paid with gold, platinum, or the next permutation of rare-metal credit cards.

Neo-socialism keeps a “faux” version of economic freedom, allowing businesses to basically make their own decisions…except for regulations on pay rates, work hours, material usage, process details, financial structure, logistics, building construction, energy consumption, and trash pickup.  Neo-socialism involves new concepts in sewer monitoring with advanced techniques that provide a window into what/how a business is operating…sort of akin to a urine sample for a business.  Naturally, executive pay, once the single most abused element of capitalism, is tightly controlled in Neo-socialism with standardized pay ceilings, and of course, no more incentive pay gimmicks, stock options, or other floozy shenanigans.  Production scheduling information goes into the National Computer Center with its advanced algorithms for total system coordination and fairness allocation decision-making and goods rationing.  Capital investment programs will be earmarked for environmental improvements…and that’s about it…no need for anything else until air/water are returned to the pristine conditions of the 1500’s when the only pollutant was the occasional buffalo fart.

It’s an economic system whose time has come, and a system that Karl Marx would be proud of.  He never would have liked the USSR version of socialism with its flawed collectivity system, political nonsense, mass murders, and defense paranoia.  He would truly embrace Neo-socialism with its tight control over excesses, its protection of the underbelly, and its equal treatment of all levels on the motivation/demotivation scale.  He would love the community aspect of everyone pulling together like a giant group hug, its absence of fancy cars and fancy houses, and lack of worthless things like little cupcake shops that serve no appreciable social purpose.

Neo-socialism will dissuade the propogation of Discriminatoids:  devices, gadgets, and goodies that upper-crusters can afford, but lower-crusters cannot.  Discriminatoids like Ping golf putters, jet skis, Swiss watches, expresso machines, pure-bred chocolate Labs, man caves, back scratchers, and heated toilet seats will be heavily excise-taxed in the new world order.  A heated toilet seat that may sell for $39 in today’s market will cost $439 in the Neo world, which should quickly dry-up demand.  By doing this, all citizens will feel the same degree of cold cheek when they sit…for the betterment of society.

Neo-socialism and Obamanomics…a match made in heaven.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the new ideas on world order.

Obamanomics Lesson 6: Punish the hard workers

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October 29th, 2011 Posted 1:34 pm

In Obamanomic theory, success-through-hard-work can only be logically achieved by exploiting the unsuccessful.  No one can obtain profit unless he screws the other guy.  And the “other guy” in most cases is just too dumb to avoid the screwing on his own.  That’s where the government comes in…to come to the rescue and balance things out…protect the underprivileged, undermotivated, undereducated, underenergized segment of the population.

Obamanomists like to call it “sharing the wealth” or contributing your fair share…words that were carefully picked by Linguistic Experts, who shuttered when they heard the original terminology for this aspect of the theory:  shaving a couple layers of skin off your a$$.   The idea of sharing resonates well among the 94% of people who are not very rich.  They point to billionaires and Hollywood movie stars who lament that they’re not getting taxed enough now.  Of course, when common people suggest to these erudites that they go ahead and slip another mil or two in their IRS envelope, the uber-rich respond that their CPAs won’t let them because it would foul up their bookkeeping too much, and endanger their professional stature.

But there is not enough of these uber-rich idiots to make a dent in the national debt, so the sharing burden must then extend to the kinda/sorta rich, the comfy-but-not-really-rich, and the making-good-dough-but-got-two-kids-in-college segments.  These, unfortunately, are the people who worked hard, got extra education, put in long hours to move ahead, not realizing that their savings would be “shared away” in the Obamanomics world.  If they had only known, they could have kicked back and jumped on the mediocrity train many years ago.  They could have joined the crowd going to that all-you-can-drink brewery tour during Finals week in college, rather than studying Thermodynamics with a half pot of coffee reduction.  They could have blown off that senior management project presentation in order to go to little Suzie’s piano recital dress rehearsal.  They could have taken a few extra “personal days” to sit on the back porch with a couple Natty Lights, watch the grass turn brown, and listen to Merle Haggard’s greatest hits.  Too late now.

In Obamanomic theory, these so-called hard workers have always been given the upper hand.  They were smarter because they had rich parents who could afford Dr. Seuss books to read to them when they were toddlers.  They could afford to pay kids to take their SAT tests for them which allowed them to get into college.  They got private lessons from experts on how to cheat on exams without being caught, using the snapshot glance technique.  They were able to buy nice, high-powered cameras that they surreptitiously used to blackmail their bosses to garner promotions.  They participated in elaborate Ponzi schemes to increase their wealth, baling out just before getting caught.  Upper hand…all the way through life…golden opportunities that most other people were never given access to.

Obamanomics can level out these inequities and provide the less-privileged people advantages…just as if they had their own little Ponzi schemes and/or risque pictures.  It’s called caring and sharing.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sharing lesson types.

Obamanomics Lesson 5: Improving the entitlement supply chain

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October 20th, 2011 Posted 1:23 am

Recently, the President was rumored to have said, in an off-the-record moment, a paraphrase of Kennedy’s famous inaugural speech line:  “Ask not what your country can do.  Ask what’s taking so long to get your friggin’ handouts this month.”  There was allegedly some polite laughter at this line, but most knew there was a ring of truth in the paraphrase.  In today’s day and age, it simply should not take so darn long, or be so difficult to get your entitlements….entitlements that you have earned by dedicated couchmanship.  Obamanomics is committed to getting your welfare checks, food stamps, government-sponsored boondoggles, earmarks, free school lunch tickets, kickbacks, and other sleazy handouts to each and every designated recipient quicker and more efficiently.  Here are some of the details of the new initiatives:

– Direct deposit of entitlement checks so no more messy lines and/or embarrassing questions about whether you are really trying to find a job, or have any intentions of taking any kind of initiative to get off the dole in this lifetime or any other lifetime.  It avoids the unhealthy confrontations that can often drive the lifelong goldbrick into deeper destitution.

– Automated grocery delivery services to your door so you don’t have to wait in endless checkout lines and endure the sneers of cash-paying customers who seem abhorred by your buying $100 worth of cupcakes, mountain dew, twinkies, and nacho chips with the food stamps.  One new service named “Snax for Lax” will focus on speedy delivery of all flavors of fresh potato chips to the entitlee, promising to minimize the percentage of “chip dust” frequently caused from chip bag mishandling.

– “Earmark Express” program that gets those earmark dollars into the hands of shovel-ready project contractors twice as fast as before, with less paperwork and the annoying scrutiny over how the money is spent.  The program will also eliminate the bothersome competitive bidding process, which has proven to slow down the whole process of getting those shovel-ready jobs executed.

– Frequent Sponger Program.  This will give extra reward points such as flatscreen TV’s, ipads, frozen turkeys, and round trips to casino boats for people who siphon-off extra monies from taxpayers above/beyond normal thresholds.  Frequent Sponger Rewards cards are free, and can be obtained at most unemployment offices, post offices, and soup kitchens.

These are just some of the dimensions of the new Entitlement Supply Chain improvement plan.  Obamanomics fully accepts the premise that some people, in fact many people, are just not meant to be workers.  It’s not their fault…they were born with genetic lazy streaks, chronic space-outedness, learning dis-interests, tired blood, and/or attention deficits that have made them quite worthless to employers.  They can actually pose a danger to coworkers due to their inherent bumbling carelessness and their propensity toward running into walls.  Research studies have concluded time and time again that these people are best suited to be perched on couches or worn-out Lazy Boy recliners for the good of society, and kept away from any sort of high-productivity work environment.  Obamanomics realizes that society cannot disparage these poor, unfortunate potatoes, as they are often called, but instead must find ways to make them feel good about themselves, feel safe, feel comfortable, so that they don’t slip into lives of desperation and crime.  Many programs are established to do just that, such as the new “Lazy History Month”, celebrating 78 of history’s most famous slouches, including the creator of the increasingly popular Slouch Pride Parade, which is held annually on Un-Labor Day.  The streamlining of entitlement payouts is just another pride builder.

The bottom line is a renewed, well-oiled machine for fast/efficient delivery of the entitlement packages will boost the entire society.  And when fully implemented, the program is certain to be the envy of any welfare state worldwide.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even though you would swear they are real.

Obamanomics Lesson 4: Universal Food Stamps

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October 15th, 2011 Posted 1:28 pm

As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps.  After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat?  And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.

All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day.  However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”.  Examples of common food:  burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies.  Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs).  TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.

Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct.  Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free.  The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door.  Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands.  Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang.  The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers.  And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.

The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party.  The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.

Obamanomics Lesson 3: Drive heavy manufacturing to 3rd world countries

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October 4th, 2011 Posted 10:03 pm

In the theory of Obamanomics, heavy industry is just plain undesirable.  Steel mills, paper mills, Febreeze plants, breweries, textile mills, auto plants are just ugly, stinky pockmarks on the landscape.  They cough up nasty micro-particles that kill fish and dogs.  They look so much better when they have been bulldozed, and replaced with nicely landscaped strip malls with free parking.  These old-fashioned edifices need to be moved to other spots on the globe where the inhabitants don’t know any better, and are stupid enough to actually welcome them with incentives.  Let ’em have ’em.  In fact, we will provide our own incentives to help them pack in a new program called “Pack and Blow”.  The destinkification of the nation will be applauded by not just enviro-whackos, but all citizens seeking a better something-or-other.

To help drive them out, Obamanomics has a foolproof strategy.  It starts with legislating some new “get tough” rules on the environmental front.  The government will partner with some liberal-leaning, research universities to concoct studies on the adverse health impacts of any kind of process emission…any kind os substance that could conceivably come out of a pipe or stack.  They will conduct thousands of government-sponsored laboratory studies subjecting test animals to concentrations 100 thousand times higher than normal, and watching them croak.  Pictures and video will be taken showing the disgusting deterioration of these previously lively creatures as their lungs fill up with various nasty gook.  When enough data has been gathered, final reports will be edited to properly slant the findings to support the conclusions sought.  Splashy liberal media coverage will be on hand as the government enacts new regs that are beyond tough, and clearly economically unachievable…obvious to even the dumbest CEO of a black smoke company.  All will watch gleefully as these companies spin around like tops trying to defend their right to spew nasty pollutants that will do such harm to kids, grammaws, and their pooches.  Protestors will be staged outside corporate offices wearing gas masks and wielding signs of babies wearing gas masks.  It will be great comedy under a pretense of seriousness.

The second step in the heavy industry purge plan is to invoke some new changes in national Labor rules.  This will start by requiring that all employees who take Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) absence get their full salary while away.  The current FMLA law is fairly punishing to companies as is, with plenty of goldbricks finding any excuse under the sun to lay out of work.  But making this goldbricking fully compensable will spur even more deadbeat workers to make their sore backs and grampaw’s hemmoroid condition a reason to shirk work.  Why work if you’re getting paid to stay home and watch soaps?  People will catch-on, absenteeism will skyrocket.

The next element is to step up OSHA wall-to-wall inspection audits of all manufacturing plants.  It has been proven that bringing in an army of OSHA inspectors for a month to any manufacturing plant will discover a long laundry list of alleged violations, which can (and should) result in hefty fines.  Followups every 6 months with more violations and fines will eventually persuade companies to shutter the facilities.  If, however, a facility is stubborn to closure, it may be necessary to step up the followup inspections to every 3 months…that should probably put them over the edge.  But in the rarest of cases, the ultra-stubborn manufacturers who just cannot see the light, it may be necessary to threaten them with criminal prosecution for “Willful” violations.  Any good OSHA inspector worth his/her salt should be able to connect the dots to take these followup inspection results, and create a Willful scenario of some sort.  Government lawyers will be dispatched to quickly develop the prosecution paths.  The fear of a little jail time will most certainly do the trick.

Replacing a smoke-belching manufacturing plant with a new modern strip mall probably creates more jobs than it loses, on balance.  Each small store in the strip mall will create 10-20 fresh new jobs.  A large anchor store might add 50-100 clean jobs…jobs where employees can come to work in dressy new fashions, rather than dungarees and stained tee-shirts.  It’s better for society in so many ways.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the lessons in economics.

Obamanomics Lesson #2: Spending Carpe Diem

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September 24th, 2011 Posted 2:35 pm

The second lesson of Obamanomics is Spending Carpe Diem…focus on today, not tomorrow or all that future generation crap, when it comes to government spending.  After all, no one knows what will happen in the future.  For all we know, there could be nuke wars, health pandemics, or other global catastrophies.  Why tighten our belts too much now?  How sad would it be to scrimp, save, sacrifice, and economize now, only to then have a nuclear holocaust that made all that tightening meaningless and irrelevant.  Carpe diem is the answer.  Here are some of the specific elements of Spending carpe diem:

1. Stop measuring and reporting Budget deficits, trade deficits, and National Debt numbers.  These figures just get people rattled, needlessly so since they can do nothing about them.  Make these numbers “need to know” high-security clearance available only, mostly just accessible to Financial Ultra-geeks sworn to secrecy.

2. Ramp up all government spending on new bridges to nowhere, new interstate highways that can save 3-4 minutes on a 200-mile trip, new ditches needing dug, new painting of rusty stuff.  Expand these programs until we run out of bodies to do the work, even after importing all the illegal aliens who want to come here.

3. Get rid of all that Debt ceiling raising approval malarky.  It is undeniably a totally worthless process:  a bunch of knucklehead congresspeople pretending to be managing something that they’re not really managing.  Seriously?  Why expend energy on anything so meaningless?  Wheelspinning takes much too much work.  Raise it to infinity and forget about it.

4. Don’t fret about the kids/grandkids factor anymore.  Let them figure it out on their own when they get there.  Don’t spoil them with a cushy world that has all their problems solved.  Just makes them lazy.  Our forefathers had to fight to survive, eek out a living, solve major problems like all the manure buildup on muddy city streets; there’s very little manure on streets nowadays.  What other societal problems will the kids have to work on?  They’ll figure it out.

5. Give increases, perqs, and new benefits to all government civil servants.  They are, after all, servants of the people.  And even though they are servants, they almost never get a tip.  No 15% of the check, or 18% for parties of 5 or more.  All they get is a base wage, maybe some free coffee, doughnuts, a parking spot, and a couple dozen holidays per year.  We need to show them that we appreciate them.  No better way than boosting their salaries 20-25%.  It will make them happier, and certainly more productive as they push their endless piles of paperwork, file stuff by the traincar load, and unravel or re-ravel red tape.  And the raises will boost their demeanor as they don new smiling faces while dealing with citizens trying to get licenses, permits,and food stamps…no more of gruff old Bertha snapping heads off because their paperwork is filed incorrectly.

6. Expand all regulations and tighten all enforcement to provide jobs to permit writers, lawyers, and enforcement goons.  And, accompanying that will be new bulging administrative staffs to help these new government officials with various wiping functions.

7. Require every legal, semi-legal, and non-legal document to be notarized.  Make Notary Publics full time positions to increase jobs.  Establish some Notary-specialized colleges that offer advanced degrees in the art/science of notarizing.  Establish a new cabinet-level position, Secretary of Notarization Controls to ensure that non-notarized documents become a thing of the past.

The Spending Carpe Diem approach will reduce the stress and strain on stock markets worldwide.  With no data to get flustered about, markets can go back to just worrying about the success or patheticness of their respective business sectors.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the economic lessons.

Obamanomics: Lesson 1, The trickle-up theory

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September 18th, 2011 Posted 1:34 pm

Bizarreville will feature a series of economic lessons which will attempt to illustrate the principles of Obamanomics in order to better educate the public on how these elements will stir the economy to fast, sustainable growth for the short term and long term.  The first lesson is the Trickle-up theory.

First, we must debunk the preposterous trickle-down theory.  This flawed theory believed that tax benefits given to the high-end of the paying spectrum would incent these business leaders to invest the windfalls into expanding their businesses, creating more economic growth, new jobs, new research and development into product and service improvements.  Of course, as anyone can see, the truth is that the rich guys just squander the wealth on larger neo-xanadu’s, barns full of classic Oldsmobiles, ridiculous amounts of philanthropy that generate no wealth, 48-dollar aged steak entrees at their exclusive snooty clubs, and vacations at Bertha’s Vineyard.

A better theory is the Trickle-up theory.  This idea starts with giving big tax breaks to people who pay no tax.  Unquestionably, these dollars will immediately go into consumer spending for twinkies, bar tabs, Lotto tickets, premium brand cigarettes, Natty Lights, grazings at the golden corral troughs, and jaunts to ripoff casino boats…the foundations of sustainable economic growth.  But, more importantly, these immediate actions will then have ripple effects that will generate even higher economic activity:

– Increases in junk food consumption will generate rises in obesity, spurring escalated activity in weight-loss plans, and new clothing purchases as the old XL sizes no longer fit and must be replaced with 3XL.  Stretch pants that have gone beyond stretch limits will need to be discarded and upsized.

– Associated increases in medical treatment spending as heart disease, lung cancer, and diabetes rise.  Pharmaceutical R&D  spending will increase to find new cures for new epidemic-level ills and new surefire weight loss pills.

– Job growth, as the need for new cops rises to handle increasing drug trade, and WalMart fights between customers for that last flowery size 22 blouse or chintzy video game.

– Weapons and ammunition sales increases as people want additional personal protection from drug thugs and parking place stealers.

– Expanded garage sales, to redeploy newly outgrown clothing.

– Exciting upgrades to trailer homes, by purchase of new curtains, indoor/outdoor carpeting for living rooms, and cheesy landscape artwork for their simulated paneling walls…the latter spawning a new generation of low-end artists who previously had struggled getting real jobs due to lack of motivation and/or lack of desire to wake up early in the morning.

The new flurry of economic activity will prompt creation of new, innovative discount store concepts.  These new retailers will find new ways to merchandise bargain basement goods to a group seeking the ultimate discount on flimsy stuff they didn’t even know they needed.  Some discount chains may conceivably even add check-out cashiers to ease the mile-long check-out lines…although this is considered by many analysts to be wishful thinking.

The trickle-up theory is a more practical concept in that assumptions do not need to be made in terms of how the recipients will act on their new benefits.  The tricklers will spend them immediately, as their past practice has proven…no ifs, ands, maybes, or wait and sees.  Historical data has proven this behavior to be true:  that there will be no stash-aways into some future college fund, or rainy-day fund.  It will be spent, and spent quickly…and begin the leveraging effect of widespread economic activity that will produce jobs.  The trickle-up theory is one that more and more wise people are glomming onto, and represents a foundation of new progressive thought.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including economic lessons.