bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘liberal agenda’

The Lib Congress electronic translator

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March 14th, 2010 Posted 1:23 pm

translatorThe fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

-We need more jobs                            -We need new Health care
 
-Lower taxes for everyone to              -Raise taxes only on people making an
 help the economy really grow            income. More rebates for people who
                                                             pay no tax at all.
 
-Less government intrusion into        -Need to get Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity
 our daily lives                                      off the air. They are too subversive, and
                                                             keep talking about our Founding fathers,
                                                             Ronald Reagan, and other old farts.
 
-Need a lot more jobs now.  Jobs,       -Need speedier implementation of Health
 jobs, jobs, jobs.  Get it???                    Care.  It’s the Health Care, Stupid!!
 
-Unemployment is at a 50-year          -Bastard companies are exporting jobs
 high. What are you doing about it?     to China to get that cheap labor. Need
                                                              to punish them more or just nationalize
 
-People are defaulting on their             -Greedy bankers are screwing the  
 mortgages and losing homes                common man. Need to hang them out
                                                                to dry, and force banks to stay open
                                                                on Holidays, as punishment.
 
-We like our current Health Care         -Nasty health insurance companies are
 plan. Don’t F#&! with it                        screwing us. We poor souls don’t
                                                               know any better, but you’ll save us
 
-I need you to start listening to me,   -You’re a handsome devil. Weren’t you
 really listening to me                           on the latest cover of GQ?

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

The “Progressive” short leash for old Rover

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March 1st, 2010 Posted 1:31 am

Introducing an exciting new product from your friends at Bumco Products Inc:  The “Progressive” short leash for your pooch.  It’s ideal to prevent old Rover from having too darn much freedom, and roaming through the whole yard sniffing your flowers, chasing little critters, and defecating all over tarnation.  It makes cleanup a snap.

dogThe short leash is precisely 3 feet long and made of the sturdiest leather that will snap little Scooter’s neck if he momentarily forgets about this rein.  It comes in 6 different colors so that the dog owner can change it often to make it seem a bit different (of course, your color-blind dog will not know too much difference).  A sequined leash is available at extra cost for true style setters.

The Progressive is a bold product entry that has been extensively market tested.  Some may ask why Bumco is releasing the product when all the market research suggested it is one of the 10 stupidest ideas of all time?  The courageous leadership at Bumco World Headquarters are progressive, forward-thinkers who truly believe they are much smarter than the idiots in the research surveys and focus groups.  They plan to advertise, advertise, and then advertise a little more until people are so sick and tired of the badgering that they just go buy it.  It is certainly a bold marketing strategy that has never been successful in the history of mankind…but there is always a first time for everything, and this may just be that time.

Bumco is also in the final stages of development of an even shorter leash, measuring a mere 2 feet, 6 inches…tentatively named the “Progressive Plus”.  This product, when used with Big Dogs, will prevent them from even raising their heads up completely, but will still allow them to do normal functions like eat and piss.  Some have asked if the ultimate objective is to keep shortening until the dog’s nose is pressed up against the anchor stake…but Bumco responds, “Of course not.”

The product will initially be only offered on-line, since all the Bizarreville pet stores have expressed a reluctance to carry the Progressive line at this time.

Evan Bayh Bye

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February 17th, 2010 Posted 10:35 pm

Senator Evan Bayh from Indiana announced his plans to retire from the Senate, sending a shock wave across the Democratic side of the aisle.  At one time he was a formidable presidential candidate, and on a short list of contenders for Obama’s VP slot.  But his biggest flaw was that he was the voice of reason and common sense, traits that simply could not be tolerated, nor reconciled with the Giga-Lib agenda.bayh

Bayh said that he was sick and tired of sucking up to the knuckleheads on the Left, whom he claims “seem to have left the Planet Earth to explore brave new worlds”.  He indicated he is also fed up with the chicken s#!# in the Senate when just trying to do simple stuff.  “You need to schedule a caucus to cut a fart around here.”

The crowning blow was when he decided to vote for the whacky Obamacare health bill, against his better judgement and intuition…then found himself vomitting over the stool later that evening.  He said it reminded him of the time he drank a quart of Ripple wine followed by a quart of Schlitz Malt Liquor while back in college. 

But he also said that the nonsense about Cap & Tax, the faux Jobs bill, and the secret plans to takeover the Breakfast Cereal industry…supposedly because Corn Flakes just aren’t crunchy enough anymore… was more than Bayh could take.  “Does this kookiness ever have an end?” Bayh questioned, rhetorically.

Bayh also indicated that he had seen a doctor who had diagnosed him with Demagogue Fatigue Syndrome.  This is a little known affliction which can crop up when a politician has just heard enough BS to the point his ears start to turn brown.  The only cure is to get far away from Washington, DC.

Democratic party leadership had no official comment beyond saying that he was whole on his coffee dues, and always paid his Super Bowl office pool bets on time.  But privately, Dem insiders said that they look forward to putting forth a first-class candidate, Oliver Spunkle.  Spunkle is a professor who teaches Marxism and Crocheting at Indiana University, is a staunch vegetarian, has never held a real job, and still wets the bed.  “We think Indiana voters will vote for him because of his affiliation with IU and because he had played basketball at his small-town Indiana high school,” the insider commented.

Opponents point out that Spunkle played on a team that went 0-20 his senior year, only had 6 players on the whole team, and Spunkle rode the bench.  But of course that was before he became a vegetarian.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

New TV series: The Grumpler

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February 14th, 2010 Posted 2:45 pm

The Bizarreville TV Network is proud to be piloting a new TV series next week, called The Grumpler.  Modeled after the successful “The Bachelor” program, the new series will feature the grumpiest liberal congressman.  Casting will find one who is most upset about not not getting their statist/socialist government-control agenda passed…one who is genuinely ornery and about ready to go postal over the farting around in the Obamacare passage or other feet-dragging in government takeover of the economy.grumpler

The TV series will then bring 25 hookers onto the show to find new, creative ways to cheer him up.  He will then start narrowing down the field, week by week.  But the secret to the show is that he will actually be looking for the contestant who aggravates him the most in her feeble attempt to change his surly mood.  Any pro who makes him smile or laugh, as unlikely as that seems, would most likely be ushered onto the nearest limo for her trip home.

Elmer Smudd, the Executive Producer, figures the hookers will catch on to the “secret” pretty quickly, and may soon do all they can do to piss him off.  Smudd thinks this transition will be hilarious to their target audience, comprised of men and women who think 99% of all TV programming is pure crap (pretty big target market as it turns out).  Obscenities are likely to be flying, but will all be bleeped out so as not to offend the kids who have never heard that kind of language before.

Rather than a traditional rose ceremony, the lib congressman will cut off the top of the rose and give the thorny stem to the lucky girls who will continue, and move on to next week’s challenge.  He’ll keep the top for himself.

Each week’s show will feature new intriguing venues that are disgusting, revolting, reprehensible in their own right to help create the right mood.  Boring football games on cold rainy days, PBS pledge drive studios, Chuck E. Cheese, Mount Trashmore landfills, economic debriefing rooms, and book readings at book fairs will be among the chosen destinations.

The Winner will get to become the congressman’s Top Aide until the congressman gets thrown out of office, either by election, by sheer incompetence, or by impeachment.  The losing hookers will not leave empty handed.  Each will be given a new wardrobe designed by Streetwise Sleaze of Hollywood, the leader in upscale trashiness, and a one year’s supply of Tootsie Pops.

Smudd thinks the show will be a hit.  He looks forward to casting The Grumplette for next season’s shows.