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Cheese ball sanctions

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February 3rd, 2010 Posted 3:41 pm

iranIran’s continued expansion of their nuclear program has elevated world concern, and once again brought up the subject of various economic sanctions to send a clear message.  The hope would be that these tough-minded sanctions, unlike the ones tried in Cuba for 50-plus years, would stimulate the Iranian people to pressure President Ahmadinejad to make directional shifts in nuclear strategy.  Secretary of State Clinton has been on a tour trying to get China and others to get on the sanction bandwagon, but thus far has had little success.

So, the US may be going it alone.  A task force has been assembled to identify saction items that would deliver a clear, strong message.  The list of sanctions is bold, and includes:  Cheese Balls in Sams Club mega-size buckets, White Castle frozen 12-packs, rabies shots, Bud Light, Ron Jon surfer shirts, Mickey Mouse watches, extra strength deodorant, flip flops, and Malt-o-Meal.

Earlier, there had been talk about sanctioning gasoline, but it was dismissed because Iran could just go to Venezuela or Russia to get that.  “But you can’t get Malt-o-Meal or White Castles from the Rooskies,” smirked a task force member.  “No sir.  We want to deliver a firm kick in the you-know-what so that they can wake up and smell the nachos.”

The task force believes Ahmadinejad will take notice because, allegedly, he is a serious Cheese Ball fanatic.  Rumor has it he will often just sit in front of his TV watching a soccer match, and polish off an entire Sams-size bucket by himself.  His previous doctor had told him to be careful how much of that crap he ate, because of its high fat content and lack of nutritional value.  But Ahmadinejad accused him of being a stinking infidel, and promptly shot him on the spot.  His new doctor takes a more pragmatic approach, says Cheese Balls are good for you, and has suggested that the president even have a second bucket if the mood suits him.

The sanctions are hoped to bring new spirit to Iran’s dissidents who could theoretically pressure Ahmadinejad to back down on the nukes.  But Iran’s president has already shown how he deals with dissidents.  One had the audacity to call him ‘Cheese Ball Willie’ in jest…Iran special forces ended up severing his unit, framing it along with a couple cheese balls, and displaying it at the new Tehran Fine Arts Museum.


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